I recently found out that my mother has been sleeping with my eldest brother since I was like 12. He's a step brother, so it's not THAT bad, but I was raised with him as my actual brother so I feel so disgusted.
I feel doubly ashamed of my mother because my brother's father, her (now ex) second husband, was a horrible man. He was very physically abusive. Her first husband, my father, was a pedophile and he sexually abused me when I was a little girl.
She knows about this, though she once said that she regretted confronting him over the child porn of me that she'd found on his laptop because he tried to strangle her over it and that whole debacle "ruined her chances of getting her degree" since she was in school at the time.
Anyways, she knows that incest is a very sore topic with me and yet she still just casually dropped that bomb on me and got upset when *I* got upset over it. He is coming to visit for the first time in 4 years and the only thing I can think about is how they're probably going to have sex.
I just want to throw up and idk, cry. He doesn't speak to his father anymore because of what he did to my mom (he ALSO tried to kill her, but that was just plain old domestic violence) but he looks just like him, and it hurts me to see him now. This is only the second time since they've gotten divorced that he's come to visit.
His dad was only physically abusive to me, though, so I feel like I shouldn't really complain. Honestly, though my father never hit me, what he did was much worse. The worst thing my step father ever did in that regard was just regular shit, coming in when I was bathing, exposing himself, making me get into the hot tub naked w him, spanking me bare-assed. But he never actually did anything so do I really have room to complain?
Whatever. I'm just rambling now. I'm just so sad. I thought that at least part of my life could be normal and not sexually fucked up but I guess I was wrong. God, I'm so fucking sad.