My parents constantly talk about how ungrateful I am for everything that I got from them, and yet they don't know that...

My parents constantly talk about how ungrateful I am for everything that I got from them, and yet they don't know that, they just say it whenever they're mad. They have never specified how they exactly imagine I would show my gratitude and I don't know what I'm expected to do. Say thanks every day?? How did you show gratitude to your parents?
>inb4 get a job and move out
The interview is on Thursday.

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That is every parent.

Okay and how does every son/daughter deal with it?

This is bullshit, don't project your bad experiences onto everyone and make them think that their parents doing emotionally abusive things is normal.

If they only say it when they're mad, it is very likely not actually about gratitude, and it may not even really be about you. It could simply be your parents being insecure or it could be an attempt to leverage you using guilt. Do you have an example scenario? Do both of them do it, and do they say it in an angry way (attempting to make you feel shame) or in a sad way (attempting to make you compensate/reassure them)?

>Do you have an example scenario?
There was an important religious event at our church and (since they work there) we were all involved. Me and my brother were doing our jobs as always, and mom was doing hers which is cleaning. Apparently she got really tired which we didn't notice, so it's our fault for not coming to help her. Therefore we are ungrateful. Note that this happens every year and we all know our positions already, it's nothing new for me and my brother to do this particular job.
>Do both of them do it
>do they say it in an angry way (attempting to make you feel shame) or in a sad way (attempting to make you compensate/reassure them)?
The former.

I don't have bad experience. It is amusing that you are doing the thing that you tell me not to do.
I imagine you are sufficiently going out of the way to show appreciation. The natural order is to mature and have a fuller understanding when you are older. It is your parents acting like bitches, really. There is no way you can appreciate it until you understand it. You use a good example. Working is easier than people whine about but all the tedious insurance, banking, billing, sacrifice of ones happiness for the greater good and scheduling things and such. Seems like no big deal when you are not doing it. But yeah, like Said: but from a less shitty point of view. They are humans and have their own underlying issue. Have patience and understanding while they are irrational.

Stop being a bitch and do stuff to help them, do something that shows you thought about what they want/need like doing the dishes without being asked or what expecting a thanks from them.

>the former
They’re trying to shame you into understanding their point of view.
It’s dumb, but you need to empathize with their position, what would you do if you were a parent and your kid was doing what you are?

Have you tried talking to your mom about this when she isn't upset? It sounds like she was having a difficult time and wasn't communicating that she needed help. Do you think it's possible she was doing something to clearly communicate that you were overlooking? She probably feels like she was making it and that you weren't responding, when she was really doing small things like sighing/taking breaks etc that would feel like a lot to her and look like virtually nothing to the people around her.

It's hard to say from here if it's a bad pattern that has yet to be broken or if it's malicious, but at least from your example it just seems like poor emotional skill from your mother.

Creating a person and then holding against them how much you have them is absurd. You literally never chose to be born and every child costs their parents. If they weren't ready to give they should've used a condom instead of having a child.
My advice: become independent ASAP so you don't have to put up with any "you owe us"-bullshit.

I understand the efforts they make, I really do. I do sympathize with them. I think I am simply the type of person that doesn't show much emotion, and this applies to many things, including my relationships and friendships.
>what would you do if you were a parent and your kid was doing what you are?
Considering the shit I used to get in trouble with back in high school, I'd be glad now that all of that's over.
She didn't even mention it until now, and that was about a week ago so I don't remember exactly. It's possible that she did the sighing thing because she often does that, and I do help her whenever I notice it. Nevertheless, I don't like being blamed and called insensitive, ungrateful, lazy piece of shit just for not working beyond what's expected of me.

It doesn't sound like she's being fair at all, but in the future it might be worthwhile to bring it up the next day in a conversational way. or maybe in a more general way. Something I had to do with one of my family members (admittedly after i moved out) was start asking them how to better identify what was bothering them, and also letting them know when their signals weren't working. If she responds well to that, then you can assume it's an issue of simply not learning how to properly communicate. Unfortunately this type of behavior comes from their own parents doing it to them, and you should make sure that you don't mirror small elements of this behavior in your own actions since it's often totally unconcious.

Your perspective is little more than an opinion. Plenty of people regard children as property, or as meant to serve them into adulthood. even if they don't, people are largely blind to their own flaws until it becomes hindsight. if you don't find yourself in that position, you're almost certainly missing something. it still would be beneficial to OP to learn to deal with his situation productively in the meantime- avoidance isn't a longterm solution, he'll definitely encounter more people doing these things. and even with a job you need a fair overhead to cover initial rent costs and depending on where he lives the expense could be pretty massive.

Ever say "Thanks"? Ever look at some friend or news story of a failure and say "I was lucky to have you guys or that could have been me"? Ever just say a random "I love you"?

Uh no, not really, and I don't see how a normal person could act like that.

I call them idiots and fuckups to their faces sometimes if they really piss me off

Do nothing. They are just guilt tripping you because they are shit parents.

That is EXACTLY what normal people do. And not realizing that may be part of your problem

It sounds like your familial relationships are generally not very healthy. It's definitely normal. I tell my parents and siblings that I love them all the time and that we're all lucky to have one another.

My parents never said this to me.

That’s a dumb way to guilt your kid though. It’s not like the kid had a choice to exist, becoming a parent and making those sacrifices was a choice the parents made. They had a responsibility to provide you with basic things. Also, they are the ones who were supposed to raise you right and teach you to be appreciative and independent and all that. If you didn’t turn out that way, it’s in large part their fault that you turned out that way

What the fuck are you talking about who tells random people they love them?
Also what does that even have to do with this thread LOL

These. Most parents will never admit it, but the three simplest things to life, in order, are:
1. Raising daughters
2. Raising sons
3. Finding your partner to make these daughters and sons with

Become as independent from them as quickly as you can.

they're not saying to tell random people ''i love you'', they're saying that these types of interactions might help their parents feel that he has gratitude for them.

this "you're ungrateful" argument is the most go-to premade shit most mothers have
your father is weak and repeating what your mother says, or else he's an actual bitch and uses manipulative techniques instead of bold appeals to reason
it works mostly because it relies on something which is hold as dogma by the great majority of people: life is the most precious thing you posses
and since they are the ones who technically give you life, as you are alive because of them, it's a full-round tool to not let you respond back
but we can look through its bullshit if we deconstruct it part by part
first, the go-to response "i didn't ask you to have me" is actually a solid one
why are you supposed to be grateful for something which seems to not have any intrinsic value besides the one people try to assign it desperately?
after all, it is not anything else besides the very moment you're living right now: the past and future are illusions, images you create out of previous information
and how is this moment you are living, -your life-?
you are being emotionally bashed by your infuriated parents, with no way to avoid the source of your pain without earning any other retalation
and your parents, which are supposed to be your strong stone, wise and calm as guides should be, are not in any way of a sober character: acting out of a burst of emotion, trying to undermine your spirit by claims of shameful behavior, what are they supposed to gain by that? summission? their role, if they have in their hearts the desire of giving you what's best for you -a good and correct character-, what would be the purpose of being summited by a totally arbitrary reason? they do not desire to correct you, but to have a momentary feeling of control over someone which is supposed to be their inferior, and in some way, an extension of themselves, being their only hop-

>The interview is on Thursday.
nvm no problem man just wait it out
just don't buy more beer than food like we all do at first

Tell your parents that the net sum of human experience is overwhelmingly negative, and that they, in fact, are in debt to you for birthing you without consent. Self awareness was a fluke in evolution that ultimately leads to suffering and knowingly subjecting another sentient being to that suffering is morally wrong.

this will DEFINITELY solve your problem OP, incredible advice, do this immediately to fix everything.

based on his example it's pretty clear that they're just emotionally immature. people retain their flaws despite having children. you sound dramatic as fuck.

now that i read it again it does feels much more intense that it really is

>people retain their flaws despite having children
i know, but how do you justify it?
emotional manipulation is a serious flaw in a man's character, you can never trust a guy like that
and he's using that on his son
isn't he supposed to not let his flaws creep upon his son?

yes, he's angry, but it's still responsible for his mistakes because his son didn't really do anything that grave
would you absolve him for being drunk?

nigga schopenhauer was like 60 years previous to both world wars and if that argument didn't convince parents to stop bringing kids to live for food stamps in the middle of war it won't do it today
and if they are religious it's going to piss them off real bad

he just has to wait it out

It isn't a matter of judgement or absolving anyone of anything- it's an observation of reality. I don't see their behavior as justified, but these types of behaviors are frequently passed down for generations, with incrimental improvement over time because they're learned behaviors. Yes, parents shouldn't harm their children with their flaws, but flattening them into two dimensional boogeymen isn't going to solve the problem. All OP can do is attempt to work with his parents as people and try to guide them through their issues in a productive way, or wait it out and go no contact after achieving independence.

Part of my perspective is that I grew up with a family member who was very verbally abusive and who would throw fits and break things. After I moved out, I was able to massively improve my relationship with her and came to realize that she had been very neglected as a child and suffered from PTSD- what I interpreted as her stonewalling me was in actuality dissociation. It's important to realize that, despite definitely being the responsible party, emotionally immature adults still have room to grow. It can help as the victim of these people to realize this, because children (even when they grow up) have a high tendency to see themselves as the cause of the problem for their parents. It's not one size fits all- some people are truly beyond help. But I don't think it's useful to use broad strokes on a situation like this one, which truly looks more like immaturity or unresolved problems than outright cruelty or neglect.

>How did you show gratitude to your parents?
By helping out and not being a selfish self-centered little brat. How many times have you done something around the house without first being asked or told to?

ohh sorry man, it's just that i reached the 2k characters mark and i didn't do it to talk about being indulgent as being the key to living a calm life, and not taking a stand where he would put his parents in a negative light
i'm 100% with you in that regard

Just don’t fucking talk to them anymore. They’ll learn their lesson. Boomers are shocked when someone stands up to them. Shocked i tell u

I do it all the time.