I have a girlfriend and she was in an extremly abusive relationship prior to dating me. Her past life didn't realy bother me, because I love her just the way she is, but recently, she told me she had to confess something to me. At that time I was hospitalised and when I came home she reached me a booklet and told me to read what she had written inside, as it was to hard for her to speak it out loud.
I started reading, and that stuff was horrible. It were details, abou how her ex used to rape her in front of her at that time best friend and how he used underwear photos of her to bring her back to him everytime he abused her. After reading, I imediatly asked why she wanted me to know that, and she told me that she didn't realy enjoy our sex nore our sexual teasing lately, as she started having flashbacks of the time with her ex. So we made a deal that she tells me everytime I do something that gives her a flashback. As a test I did something she wrote in the booklet that would give her a flashback, but nothing, afterwards she said she didn't want to destroy that moment because I seemed to enjoy it.
Since then I haven't let her touch me no matter how horny, because I don't want her to have flashbacks as I want her to think abou me during sex not that fag of an ex.
So what is your advise, how should I deal with it, I need some helo, as I feel that I'm on the verge of a depression, so all advice is welcome.
She needs a specialist, user. Talk her into getting some therapy and refrain from sex until she feels better about it.
>Let her take the lead? She doesn't like having to lead, she feels uncomfortable when leading
How do you think should I do that, I already tried it, but she keeps on responding, that the events were way to terrible to talk about them with someone besides me, though she didn't tell it to my, but gave me that booklet in order not to speak about it,further she is extremly introvert by strangers
Gauge her reactions. My gf went through the same and took baby steps, you can clearly see when she is uncomfortable. When you notice it, stop immediately whatever you're doing even if you're about to cum and ask her if she's ok. You don't even need to notice it, just ask her if you think she might be having a moment. Try to do what she wrote, but in a loving and caring way. Took about a week like this to me and gf to fix her three years of abuses
Just be tell her the truth as tactfully as possible: that you understand how much it hurts, but she needs help beyond what you can give, that keeping things as they are will only hurt both of you un the long term, and that you'll be there every step of the way to give support, but she needs to do this.
Alright, so I should ask her for example during sex, if she is currently having a flashback, and that on a more or les regular base, and I should try to do the things with her she doesn't like?
Alright, I will try this, I'm gojng to meet her in a few hours, hoping I manag to talk about that theme
Oh and good to know I'm not the only one having these troubles
>As a test I did something she wrote in the booklet that would give her a flashback
WHY? Poor girl. Please, don't do this again. She seems so submissive to let you do anything to her, even if it makes her uncomfortable.
The opposite actually, it's very good. However, it must be always done with care and feelings behind
Yeah, exactly. But you must be extremely careful. In those moments her body should tense up, but she might express it in some other way. Communication is key, so be sure to care more about her well being than your pleasure
As I said, I did it in order to find out, wether she would tell me if something was going on, also I only did it shortly, about 5 seconds an with a lot of caution, as soon I felt that her body tensioned up, I stopped
Yep, I'm giving my best to be cautious, and for me it is selfexplaining that her wellbeing is far more important tgan my pleasure Problem with communication is, that she often doesn't want to talk, and that she tries to flee every conversation that could change something in our relation, allthough she knows that I love her just the way she is
Give her time. Focus only cuddling until she's the one who takes initiative. It's not something that heals overnight, and my case was extremely lucky
That is something I already did in the past when I noticed that her body stiffened all up(at that time I didn't know why), and she usualy shortly thereafter took the initiative and started again, problem being that I'm currently not sure wether it realy was, because she was so horny and wanted me, or if it was soly, to make me happy, you understand ?
That shit sounds so fishy, user. How exactly do you get raped in front of your best friend? Why didnt the friend get help? Was the friend physically forced to watch? Sounds like a kink. She got back together with a rapist just over some panty shots? Sounds to me like shes snm obsessed but doesnt want to admit it. I can tell the thought occurred to you too, judging by your "test". I had a girl that came out of an abusive situation too and I tried to be respectful about it, but found it odd that her favorite part of sex was me choking her. I may be wrong about all this, she may be a victim struggling to cope. Or, she may be a nympho thats going to jump back on her ex's dick if you go a month without porking her. I would recommend you stay vigilant, user.
It was most likely the latter. Right now, she probably sees herself as nothing more but a piece of meat
OP’s post contains more red flags’s than good old Moscow under Stalin’s rule.
Fuck no, no red flags, just a honest post by a 19 year old with a real problem
I know it sounds fishy, and i wrote a answer 2000 signs long to that on my pc but I cant sent the response, because of some connection error(would like to add image, but file to big, how can I reduce the file size ? ), so short version, that otger girl( her best friend at that time) was also that guys gf(unbeknown to my gf) and she saw it as some sick form of revenge because my gf tried to take her friend, so she helped fixing her to the bed and to throw her out of the house after the rapes. And the guy said he would post the pictures on our school facebook page(6000 followers which his about 1 percent of our nations population) so she did go back, because he promised to delete the pictures if he could keep on using her without the need of rape. The last time againwas rape, and there after she didn't go back and the picture was shatred among friend till i beat that guy up and he deleted it for a good(with letting me check if it was also deleted in the deleted pictures folder)
Oh and she doesnt like those things, like I strangled her and tgat was the only thing she cryed while I did it and told me to stop and to never do it again if I love her, but that was before I knew what happened and I though that I might had hurt her. Furter I'm sure she wont go back to that guy, I'm in the firefigther, just like him, and we had a meeting, I invited her, as I thought he wouldn't be there(surprise surprise he was there) and she didn't stop crying until we left 20 minutes after we arrived again not telling me why(found out when she gave me the book, it was in order to keep me from finding what happened, in order nit to ruin our relationship)
>”abusive previous relationship”, “rape stories”,”ptsd”, “trauma”. >no red flags
Sorry, I thought red flag meant that you thought it was a lie, sorry didn't know it means danger
Or warning, so what did you mean by saying my post was full of redflags?