Any other anons had to deal with it or know people who have? I've seen therapists but I'm unwilling to deal with medications (part of the reason I got to this point was blindly trying prescription meds) and so far just talking about it hasn't helped. I just don't know what else to do/ where to go to
In short >Tried to kill myself several times at age 15 due to extreme neglect as a child >Extremely over medicated as child from ages 6-15, bullied, emotionally neglected by parents , sometimes actively physically abused by said parents and people around me >Develop severe mental illness as you'd expect >Psychotic depression, violent tendencies, conduct disorder, also alcoholism to numb it all >done with the psychosis, substance abuse, and sociopathic shit now >now it's just what's left over from it all >Flashbacks, paranoia , hyper awareness, etc the whole deal I'm getting really tired about randomly having intrusive , reality breaking memories about the past. I just want the past to stay in the past. The absolute mistrust and misanthropy I feel everyday is just getting harder and harder to bear. I'm so tired of reliving psychotic breaks and suicides at intervals I never choose. It hurts so much. I thought I was getting better recently but it just never seems to go away. Does it ever get better? Are there any ways to manage these residual feelings and move on with my life?
Unironically, ecstasy. You learn to love people again. It takes time though.
>Tyrone told me mean things at school, now I have ptsd
I'm not willing to take drugs. I've tried weed and shrooms by the same advice and neither have given me results. Ecstasy is mildly hallucinogenic and as someone who has suffered through some psychosis I'm not interested in it.
I'm not taking that risk, I shouldn't have tried with shrooms either as all it did was make me feel intense hatred No, my father would choke me out when I he got mad and I was often threatened or beaten as school. Had no one to talk to, sort of abused prescription drugs (amphetamines, lots of amphetamines) so I would stop feeling things.
bitch please. try getting some regular exercise. try meditation. try the church. don't try hard drugs. fuck. you gotta be in the right state of mind to use drugs. it seems to me that you are using your experiences as an excuse to do drugs. Try fixing yourself a bit first. Work on your self once you get the ball rolling then try some weed. or whatever you choose
Already done weed, and while I was so fucked up I started varsity in my hs soccer team for all 4 years. Still am in good shape, working out or getting drunk are the only times I feel okay with myself anymore.
I'm far past such simplistic self improvement regimes. I've tried them. I got in shape, I prayed, in fact for a long time while I was having psychotic episodes / dealing with years of neglect and abuse I prayed daily. Never had a prayer answered. I lost my faith for a long time and was filled with hatred you can scarcely imagine. I lost everything, including my mind and heart to psychosis and sociopathy
Psychedelics have WILDLY ranging effects.
Mescaline gives you infinite mental legos 4-ACO-...something gives you empathy to an extreme where you cry over the suffering of all history AMT makes you feel like shit for the first couple hours and then it blends in with any other drug for a super cool ride
Ecstasy makes it supremely easier to ditch life PTSD garbage and to just connect with people.
Bullshit. You're just like any other burned out degenerate I have to put up with on a daily basis talking out of his ass about times he's perma-fried himself without realizing it.
Ditching life? Why would I ditch it? I have only 1 life and now that I'm sane enough to know it I'm doing NOTHING to leave it behind. I don't want to destroy my brain so that I no longer have memories. I want to learn how to accept my past, not forget it even happened due to brain damage
Dumbass you think your the only one who had a tough life. stop making excuses to not try and try again. or try something new. I've tried EMDR cbt the other one . I've tried drugs. you need to come to terms with it yourself. you need to work on your self. if you can't do that then have doomed your self. life is a struggle. Don't give up on yourself
1. You don't fucking know me. 2. You assume that taking psychedelics = brain damage because a bunch of retarded hippies took them EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY and got fried. Which is fucking amazing because the tolerance goes so fucking high that you have to be absolutely fucking desperate to take it 2 days in a row 3. It's about the dosage.
>I want to learn how to accept my past
Well, has not using psychedelics worked? Has your great non-degenerate powers of cognition unraveled your torment?
Here's my perspective: I've tried them 100s of times. They were cool and gave me head space to rethink some things. But they were mostly just a fun time (1x a week at most). The tragedies of life taught me a lot more without the groovy parts of psychedelics.
> I don't want to destroy my brain
What dumb shit are you reading? You take a medium dosage (go to fucking Erowid or various forums), put yourself in a cool place, and do whatever.
>Dumbass you think your the only one who had a tough life No, I just doubt you had a history of psychosis before you took hallucinogens you absolute retard. Yeah, at my age I'm not risking the development of schizophrenia because you were too autistic to find any other way of coping with your past.
You had PTSD? You had psychotic episodes? You were a sociopath? No , do tell me about yourself and how drugs improves your life
>It's about dosage Doctors told me that for years. Never mattered. Only made my life worse. You are absolutely no different from them and no I don't trust hallucinogens to tread PTSD - in fact psilocybin has actively made it worse. Drugs affect different people different there is not a universal to these kinds drugs. I don't trust them at all
> Drugs affect different people different there is not a universal to these kinds drugs.
Hey, you're wiser than most people. But seriously, give Ecstasy a try. Just a try in a very safe area. If you need a "ABORT" button, bring a couple of benzos which knocks you out the trip within 5-10 minutes.
I did have a history of psychosis I do have PTSD. I don't believe drugs are the answer. I'm telling you that you need to work on your self. maybe with the help of a therapist. but that is your decision. also just because you can't keep your story straight don't get angry at me
What you are going through is complex childhood trauma or C-PTSD.
What causes this is a child goes through well-understood phases of development. When they undergo severe, prolonged, sustained truama, it interrupts development and maldevelops the brain. Literally, putting a child through this causes the structure of the brain itself to not develop properly.
Your mind is stuck in fight or flight, and you're going through a HELL of a lot of bad shit up there. I've been in the same place.
Finding freedom has an 8-part series you will find useful as well.
See C-PTSD On reddit; they are an invaluable source of information.
For me, and I went through a very severe bout which started before I could remember. It took 15 years to get to the point the anxiety, flashbacks, catatonia (when you have a flash back you tense up, for me it was my arm) was all gone and I'm still dealing with it. C-PTSD is a new area of study that only came about around 2013, so it was too late to help me out. I got out via cognitive restructuring exercises. It will take time, years, to get over this as your brain has to re-develop itself. What's important is to find someone who is good at therapy and to spend lots of time understanding abusers and trauma and observing your situation and understanding it.
>If you want it of the ecstasy high just pop benzos ... Think I'll pass on that
Therapists don't help, and thus far everyone around me has only proven my misanthropic and paranoid tendencies. No one is honest, I live in nothing but a recurrent sea of lies.
>... Think I'll pass on that
Well one benzo at one time isn't going to kill you. What kills you is being dependent on benzos to the point where physical withdrawals are deadly...
But I'll respect your decision. But please, consider it. That's all.
I'm surprised, honestly. That first video has done nothing but accurately describe me for it's length so far. I wasn't expecting anything easy but at least there is something
Well... I have a coworker I trust who could help me get but I'm still hesitant towards it. Trying psilocybin did nothing but make me feel hateful while I was told it would do nothing but allow introspection or calm me.
Even then I might not do it
Who told you weed is good for your symptoms? All it does is make paranoid people more paranoid
Why so much gaslighting on advice board
At the time people just I thought I was lingering on bad memories and depressed, not suffering from PTSD. Weed affects people differently depending on strain and person and isn't consistent so I tried different strains for awhile.CBD helped a little bit but none of it really solved anything
You don't want help, you want pity. You're refusing any reasonable advice. Go fuck yourself, you look perfectly healthy then.
>If you don't want to pop ecstasy and benzos or go to therapy again after it showed no results, then you clearly just want attention >Go fuck yourself Topkek, I don't care about your pity. Franky, I've struggled with absolutely hating people for most of my life. For good reasons, too. Why would I have any reason to want pity from people I actively hate and thought myself better than?
>I actively hate and thought myself better than? *Hated , past tense
I'm at the very least not a totally sociopathic misanthrope anymore
You're a pretty fucked up case user. I can't imagine what I would do in your place but I can only suggest stuff. You need to accept your past and what has happened, you need to understand that it's not your fault and you had no power over it and that you must focus only on the things you have power over. Read some more spiritual and self-help books. I recommend "The subtle art of not giving a fuck" and "Siddharta". MDMA (pure) also helped me to deal with my depression and shrooms (2gr dried) helped me realize things about life and how everything will be ok. But you need to be careful with those, with great power comes great responsibility. I also recommend going to the gym and/or doing yoga/hiking.
All of this will take time (2-3 years or more) but it will get better if you try.
Shrooms makes everything feel worse and I'm staying the hell away from hallucinogens desu.
Shrooms will amplify your inner state, If you fell like shit you'll feel like shit 10-100 times as strong. But they can be useful once you stabilize yourself, to answer any questions you still have.