IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE CLINICAL DEPRESSION IS REAL, THERE IS NO HELP YOU CAN OFFER SO DON'T BOTHER
I refuse medication. They make me feel as though I'm watching my life from a distance and the side-effects are not acceptable.
I have a 156 IQ. I know that IQ is an indication, not a hard/fast rule, but since I started kindergarten I couldn't relate to any of the kids throughout the school, regardless of age. I could talk with teachers and I was often referred to as a "little old man" because I talked like some of the wise-cracking charming old guys, but I've been alienated by my peers my whole life. I'm proud of my intelligence, but I'm not smug about it in the least.
I'm diagnosed bipolar. I've been suicidal since I was 13. Literally the only thing that keeps me from taking myself out is the fear of the other side. Everything across the world and from Near-Death Experiences points to ONE single rule: if you try to take this (heaven or whatever it is) you will be denied.
So I'm stuck.
I need real help here. I need somebody I can cry to. I need a plan to make this existence at least not as excruciating as it has been for the past 16 years. I'm now 29.
I keep losing. Every time somebody tells me I'm good at something, or every time I set a realistic goal, I fail. I have learned to aim pretty low and achieve tiny goals, but even those are impossible for me. The universe is fucking with me. If I drop something, it disappears into the one single storm drain for miles around. If I try to exit gracefully, I slip and everybody laughs. If I try to "be myself" people move away.
I'm not some lib, furry, or faggot. Everybody at work commends me and says I'm a good guy but I have to put on my professional mask to earn that praise. They invite me out but then get weirded out whenever I tell them I don't drink, then they slowly back away.
I'm a loving person. I have too much love for this world to contain. After being with a girl for 4 years, the day before I decided to pop the question, she turned cold and with a blank stare said that she can't put up with her family hating me any more. She left and never once looked back.
This is what I mean about losing. I swear it has to be somebody out to get me because as SOON as the finish line is in site, all my work is ripped away from me by outside forces. A motorcycle crash, a car crash, a break-up FORCED on us by abusive parents, a person dying the day after I meet them and make the first and only friend I've ever had. I swear that every single time I say to myself "Thank God I have ___" it just vanishes. I'm cursed. Every time. Know how I know? Because there's nothing I have in life right now that I value. Everything that I'm willing to give away is what I have, and everything that I'm grateful for goes away, or gets destroyed, or stolen, or walks away from me.
Shit people that don't understand depression say:
"It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem" Right, because nobody is alone forever. I would believe that except for the number of old people in their 80's and such that never found what they were looking for and die alone.
"Just be yourself, above all else" That's worked so far. Sometimes I wish I could have a lobotomy to make me like everybody else and just drink beer, watch football, and pop out a bunch of babies just cuz.
"You're not putting yourself out there, get out more" OK what happened to "be YOUR self"? Because MY self likes machines and puzzles and creating. I don't go to the movies, I don't have "fun". My "fun" is in sharing a passion like cinematography, music appreciation, history, sciences. Thing is, the other people that like this are cringey ass tatted up liberals with cats and side-shaves and pussies that smell like they just wiped down a bar urinal with their roast flaps.
"You should give people a chance" I do judge people the moment I meet them, but I do NOT write people off. I have enough self-control and empathy to be able to learn about a person and hear their concerns and passions without being selfish. Often, it's THEM writing me off because I can't relate to their drinking stories or who's going to the super bowl.
"There's someone out there for you" Statistically unlikely. I've been patient enough to date people below my intelligence, and people equal to me have settled down with somebody in their teens and early 20's. Not only that, but realistically that perfect person is working in a recording studio, or being paid to edit videos, or runs a restaurant and is "settling" for the guy that comforts her even if they can't relate. At this rate, if I ever end up with anybody they'll be in their 30's, stretched out, lost their body count, and has a few dwindling eggs that taste colors and communicates through minecraft.
"These things take time" Great, so I'll be 60 when my first kid turns 18. Wowee
Lol bro depression isnt real just get over it
"You're being cynical" I can't delude myself. I don't focus on the negative, I focus on what is real, repeatable and true. People always give me shit because I make predictions which turn out to be correct, but rather than praise my intuition they A. shame me because I "jinx'd" it or B. say that REGARDLESS of the accuracy of my predictions, I'm an asshole for believing such a thing. You see this? How am I the crazy one here? I was at a party and somebody I knew introduced me to somebody. Later that night I told the person I knew that the new girl was "going to turn out to be trouble" and "just look for warning signs". A few weeks later she was depressed, crying, talking about how she deals drugs and her dad abuses her and desperately throwing herself at the person that introduced us. How did he react when I tried to (humbly*) say "I told you so"? He starts berating me for having no faith in people and not seeing the good in people. OK, let's skew the white-blood-cell count for our patients because they're nice and we don't want them to die of the illness. That'll solve it, right?
"You're so handsome, it would be easy to find the right girl" Looks wouldn't mean anything to somebody like me. And if I "did" have looks, why has nobody under the age of 35 ever said so? Even my GF of four-years couldn't compliment me ONCE. If I'm out with a group of people, they try to be helpful or a wingman. They will say "that girl is so checking you out over there" and it will lead to an organic encounter wherein she will begin talking passionately about how she enjoys this/that and how funny I am etc, but when it comes time I will say something like "well if you've never been to a ___ I was planning on going with some friends next week. I could call you some time" which is followed by her demeaning laughter, hasty exit, or "I have a boyfriend so...".
"You should take a class/join a group that suits your interests" I should pay for a class, which I don't enjoy for starters, that may last 2-6 weeks and then what? Within the first week I'll have vetted any potential women (IF there ever were, and there never have been) and then suffer the remainder of the class without a refund. I guess I could use more debt and disappointment. The interest groups I would join are 100% comprised of liberals. I have never before found any such group which shares my interest but is not a bunch of hippies with body paint. I appreciate music of ALL types...except liberal arts. I despise the Beatles, Queen, Led Zeppelin, Hendrix and every single music group is focused almost solely on praising those faggots.
"You have to make yourself happy before you can make anyone else happy" You need friends to be happy to make friends to be happy to make friends to be happy... I enjoy entertaining crowds and I can always make a room of people laugh. Every time I have had to do something in front of a crowd, I've had the best response of any other person in that event. But when I reach out to people individually at said event/gathering, they give me praise, say I'm funny and we should hang out and then ghost. All I've had my whole life are people saying one thing and doing the contrary. How should that make me feel that I can't even get my hopes up when somebody says they WANT my company?
"You need a pet" I can't share my passion for creativity, science and the beauty in the world with an animal. Secondly, I can not with a good conscience restrain an animal from their natural habitat. Finally, I am a neat person and even a few pet hairs is enough to cause anxiety. The idea that I have to be home in time to feed, walk, or check on something completely helpless is a factor in anxiety as well. After what I've experienced in life, I predict that the second I let a pet into my heart it will die tragically or disappear somehow.
--What I want to be when I grow up--
My dream since I was 13 was to be a performer. Singing, acting, rapping. I'm good at all of these, but with my job I'm restrained from even having a chance to THINK about where to begin. People tell me "if you really want it, you'll MAKE time". Right-o, I'll get right on adding a couple hours to the clocks. I live to work right now. I have no time for ANYTHING else. Even if I met somebody that wanted to date, I'd never make our schedules work. I'm a manager and my whole division depends on me, I can't even get to the fucking DMV to register my god damn car or get it inspected or get the oil changed. I'm tired of living to work, at some point I should have a living but no job will allow this. When I was homeless, I was closest to happiness I can recall. But I needed a companion and a family, so I needed a job. I've crawled my way up for years and had somebody beside me at one point to help me cross the finish line with her, only to show me that all my efforts can be worthless no matter how hard I try. I've seriously considered quitting my job, selling everything I own, and getting back on the street. But my dilemma is that while I would be free of stress, I wouldn't have even the most remote chance of ever having a life after that. No chance of starting over in my 30's, no chance of having a family while I have nothing of my own...
Society is the cruelest thing ever inflicted on man-kind.
I'll give your vent 7/10. It's personal, and actually has good writing. It also seems like you put a lot of time in it. Love the part aboit suicide/death too. The only thing I'm really missing is more blaming the outside world, that'd spice it up a little and get more (you)'s.
By Apep, no body is reading all that shit.
No one cares about your IQ. Everyone loses. Sorry your GF dumped you, now get over it. No one is out to get you, you just got fucked by the great cosmic joke that is life. Wallow a bit longer in self-pity and fear and then get it together.
Nevermind, I was too quick with my reply. See and .
Here's a tip though, you actually DONT need friends to be happy.
There's no way I can believe this. I'm an expressive person.
The only time I feel alive is whenever I share my lyrics with somebody and they are in awe. I know that writing is what I was born to do, but I would have to give up EVERYTHING to focus on that, all for a minuscule chance that something comes of it. Statistically, in the real world it won't lead to anything.
That, however, is where I feel light and love in my life. Poetry, singing, expression.
The downside is that anybody that can relate to this has tattoos that looks like they passed out in somebody's bathroom at a party and everybody took turns drawing on them with markers. They smoke, they smell, they're easily triggered, they are "fur parents" and wish they could kill God. They believe they are their own God. It turns my stomach.
>There's no way I can believe this. I'm an expressive person. Well okay that's fine. Ariana grande probably has thousands of real close friends because she's such a great person. Sorry to break it to you but you have your head up your ass so far you don't even recognize the smell of shit.
Everyone on this rock comes alone and goes alone, and you seem to think you have a monopoly on understanding this. Guess what? You dont. Try laughing about yourself and your situation at least once every day, and then increase that until all you can do is laugh about your own idiocy. Congratulations, people will now like you!
You're not familiar with Bipolar disorder, I see.
Firstly, your example of a big-name performer is more relevant than you might think. The "x" factor that makes performers is described as disorders like depression, bipolar and personality disorders. Normal people do not make great performers.
Second, bipolar has two extreme ends. When I'm in my outgoing, super confident "bring on the world" swings, everybody laughs and has a good time but can't last more than a few minutes with me because they can't keep up. Yes they like it and I've bedded 16 girls in my life without the help of Tinder and shit, but finding anybody to relate to expression and creating is fighting the odds.
>You're not familiar with Bipolar disorder, I see. You saw wrong, my own mother and grandmother suffer from it. Or more accurately, they have shit behavior and personality 99% of the time, and when the 1% bubbles up on a blue moon they expect the world to love them for 'who they really are'. Guess what? 99% is a lot and your 1% doesn't make up for it. People with bipolar aren't the victims, the victims are their family members, coworkers and 'friends', because unlike bipolar they actually form bonds with people and are hurt when they don't do well. I hope you 'get better', but I doubt it. Good luck.
>I'll be 60 when my first kid turns 18 Overly optimistic. > I focus on what is real Yes. Like you are cursed and the universe is out to get you. >jinx'd Why pick and choose what garbage to believe in? It is scientifically feasible that you are jinxing things. >why has nobody under the age of 35 ever said so? They were raised in the same silly world as the rest of the people of that age. >100% comprised of liberals How about guns? Don't join a group just go to shows. There is history, mechanics, ballistics, farm girls. >we should hang out and then ghost Common behavior. It takes two to not follow through. >whole division depends on me, Fake reality. >I'm tired of living to work, Maybe you're trying to tell yourself something. >blah blah You're smart. Put money to work so you don't have to. >society. Smoke and mirrors. Use as required. >I would have to give up EVERYTHING That's a pretty weak way to excuse your failures. > Bipolar disorder Hog wash. You can set behaviors in writing and do it by the book. Feelings never hurt anyone.
This shit makes some damn sense.
Who are you and who sent you?
Yeah, you're just what I needed.
> I focus on what is real >Yes. Like you are cursed and the universe is out to get you. I don't "actually" believe things are actively/consciously intervening. A psych study showed that animals and humans will not interact in competition if they cannot win a certain percentage of rounds. I try to find where I am winning and stick to that. I don't focus solely on the negative. In the end, objectively, I'm losing too often. When I talk to my psych, he often tries to prod "winning" scenarios out of me. Every time he tries to build up on a success, I correct him with the bleak reality. I'm not trying to shut things down or self-deprecate, I'm just not the kind of person that could EVER fool myself to make me feel better.
It's why I don't feel physically attractive. Nobody under 35 ever says I'm cute or acts like they see something in me. So when somebody says I should meet their granddaughter and they introduce us, (I'm summing up multiple real scenarios I've experienced) she is completely disinterested and even at times has a look of being repulsed. But oh they love to keep telling me "You're an attractive young guy". I have confidence, but I'm not fooling myself that I could pull chicks with a smile. It's the confidence that gets me laid.
>we should hang out and then ghost >Common behavior. It takes two to not follow through.
I get blocked, deleted, left on read, ignored...ghosted bro. I try, but I give it a few days and then only poke in now and then so I don't seem eager.
>I'm tired of living to work, >Maybe you're trying to tell yourself something. Well who has made a living without working?
Robert Keyosaki, the richest man in Babylon, Warren Buffet. To name a few its called Financial Independence kid. Use that knowledge and succeed. Im giving you more info then what I started with.
>look at these successful gamblers that staked everything >disregards the exponentially greater majority of gamblers that lost everything
>recognizes one name and assumes that they are all the same.
You have the soul of a slave. Read Richest man in Babylon and free yoursef slave.
Original me. It is no gamble to grow money with index funds. That's another subject.
You can't rape the willing. I'm sure that you know that all this existence doesn't even exist. That's what makes it wonderful. You can change the past and future by changing your own perspective. Like literally. Idk about tattooed people who think they are god but he couldn't create us if we didn't create him. It is within you. If mountains are in the way, move them. Take comfort in knowing that you're only going to do whatever you are supposed to do. What's the point? Whatever you want it to be.
You know what fuck it. I’ll give you another one for free. You said you wanted to be a preformer right? Read As A Man Thinkith. That should set you on the path of success as well. Follow the books don’t think “Ah this won’t work. “ If you think that you will fail. Good luck slave.
Anybody else have some advice here? I’m speaking with my counselor but he’s one of the people repeating the stupid motivational posters as if I’m going to jump up and say “hang in there?! I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY!”
You say you’re smart but dumb to think you are “cursed”. If you reflect back dispassionately you will see a lot has “gone your way”. Or do you honestly think your life is the worst?
You’re smart but so what. I’m smarter than you and you need to get connections where you can. That’s just life.
You complain about not liking certain bands, don’t like pet hair, etc. sounds like the chief barrier to your happiness is not the world but your own mental rigidity.
Why don’t you use some of those iq points are relaxing tut standards? Or are you too dumb to do that
Lucky you got two or three guys to read. Just man up and quit being a puss. Don't be a pussy. Best advice I ever got.
>be yourself >don’t say you dislike what you dislike
I don’t go around bitching about other people’s tastes, but I certainly keep them at arm’s distance because of how Godless and repulsive they are.
>bipolar >refusing medication Control your diet to an absolute. Experiment with herbal remedies. Seek therapy.
Hey, you're going to be okay. It sounds like you're in a lot of pain. I think it sounds wonderful that you've got so much to share, being able to talk about your interests like cinematography, the beauty of the world, your writings, all that is very important. You've got to let go of this idea that you're better somehow, or that you're worse. Just unapologetically be yourself, and eventually someone will flock towards you. Try to be kind, understanding, and if you don't know how to, try to learn. I can imagine it must've been hard to relate to other kids your age when you were younger, but that doesn't mean you should cast everyone aside. There's beauty in other people, even if you think they're idiots, even if you think you're too good for them. You don't need friends to make yourself happy, there's a lot of you blaming yourself and others for any shortcomings you might have, stop doing that. Other people are trying to get by just as much as you are. If you can't learn to stop doing it, seek out therapy, maybe internal family systems therapy would help you. There's a lot more work you could do, it sounds like you're a good person at heart so it would be a waste to give up.
I loved reading this because I strive for somebody to read my heart and tell me that I'm good.
I love everybody in this world, entirely. I pray that everybody come home after this life. That doesn't mean I have to be around them all, though.
I don't for a second treat anybody like I'm better than them, nor do I try to make people feel inadequate or that I'm better at something. I actually feel ashamed to hurt anybody like that.
I still believe I can't be happy without friends. I have to share every thought that comes to mind. It's a compulsion. I believe I'm striving to find somebody that reciprocates, relates and transfigures my thoughts. I long for somebody that harmonizes with my emotions and passions. Take my words and put them to melody and we are both happier.
Joy shared between two people is doubled. Pain shared between two people is halved.