I’ve been dating a girl for a month now (we haven’t had sex yet by my own choice). We are both in our late twenties. I like her a lot and have been getting comfortable and I was feeling like I was ready to get intimate with her. One thing that is important to me is the past. I know the past has lasting affects on the future. So I always ask about sex partners. So I told her I wanted to talk about it. She said that was fine. I admitted to her that I’ve only had 2 partners before. One was a ONS when I was 18 (terrible experience and never again had a ONS or any sort of casual sex ever again), and the other was my first gf which I got at 25. She smiled and said that is great! she actually seemed pleased by that desu. So then I asked her and she casually replied with “I had 9 partners”. She probably instantly saw a negative reaction on my face so she just started telling me how “it’s not a big deal. That close to the average for our generation anyways”. She explained to me that she only had a few boyfriends. But the rest were FwB because she was “too busy to have a relationship while studying for her degree, but still needed physical intimacy”.
After she said that, we got into a fight because I told her basically that, that is bullshit. I had a ONS as a said when I was 18. I learned immediately that it is a bad thing and didn’t do it again. I still felt sexual desire and all. But I have morals and stuck to them.
Anyways, she wants to meet later and talk. I think I’m going to break up with her. I actually feel kind of disgusted and i’m glad that we haven’t had sex yet. Am I wrong here?
Everyone's entitled to their preferences, if you consider it a dealbreaker that's fine. But it was dumb of you to throw a tantrum and start a fight over it. She didn't actually do anything wrong, she answered your question honestly and you immediately threw it in her face. Even if you don't approve of her sexual history as a potential girlfriend, that's not a cool way to treat people. You should've kept your cool and handled this with a little more class.
I didn’t start a tantrum. I never yelled at her
>After she said that, we got into a fight because I told her basically that, that is bullshit. I had a ONS as a said when I was 18. I learned immediately that it is a bad thing and didn’t do it again. I still felt sexual desire and all. But I have morals and stuck to them. Maybe you didn't raise your voice, but you just described a tantrum right there
I define tantrum as an actual fit.
We just had an argument. She got upset when I said that I didn’t like the fact she had so much casual sex
user is right. Seems like you asked for an honest answer and were upset by what you were told and you let it be known.
Here's a bit of truth. Not everyone has the same sexual boundaries. I was raised as a prude and very sheltered by my parents as far as sex goes. I never even got the "sex talk". My mom just said "you know what sex is right?" And proceeded to sit down with my sister and read her a book about it and discuss.
My first sexual interaction was after dating a girl and texting into the late night day in day out as a teenager. When we finally got to sex, it was still a tough experience because we didn't know what we were doing and it took at least 3 separate dates of trying before we successfully did it.
Nowadays, as a lonely 30 year old with no true friends, I find companionship and intimacy by having short dating relationships with different women. We talk honestly about each other's present and never the past. It is too much work to text day in day out getting to know someone when you know you primarily want sex. So some people just give it up easier than others. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with us, mentally. It's just how our lives are.
The last woman I slept with, I'm sure has had more than 9 partners. She's freaking hot as hell. But she has a kid now, so she has to get laid but can't bring every guy around her kid. Which is fine. I would like a LTR, but those signs are easy to read when someone is telling you they can't give you that.
You seem like you want a LTR with this woman, so you have your work cut out for you. Stick to your guns and don't sleep with her until you know it's right and it's what you want. It may take a year before it's right. If you want to build your relationship before you have sex, that is your choice
But play it cool. When someone tells you the truth, respect that and show kindness if you really want the girl
wrong in what way? you are a jerk with no experience sure, but it's not wrong to break up when you don't want be together.
I'm somewhat surprised she fell into your trap in her late 20's. I learned long ago men only want to have me swear I hated every second of every sexual contact before meeting them and impose their view of morality even after they themselves had sexual contact with other females.
So OP. Since you believe you are morally superior and expressed your condemnation of her you should walk away. But you won't because you want to attack her again
Not op, just passing by. What do you tell partners who ask? Do you never bring up either of your pasts if they don't? Doesn't it get hard telling a story about fun on vacation or something and also trying to omit your partner at the time?
You’re just butthurt and insecure she fucked more guys before she met you. Also 9 in late 20s isn’t bad. I know some girls with 25+ at 20
I speak of the trip not the person unless I went with a bf but I no longer feel compelled to share intimate details I experienced long before I met someone else. That is not hard to do. Now if a man wants to interrogate me I know immediately no answer will be the correct answer for they have pre judged and believe they should impose the penalty. I do not want anything more to do with someone like that in my life.
I just honestly keep my stories vague. I don't really have any great stories about the ONS anyway. I dont mind bringing up exes cause I only had one or two who mattered and if a new woman can't bear to hear about some chick from years back who I never contact, then she's either God herself or she's not gonna work out.
>Risking the chance of dating God in human form Literally the gayest thing a man can do.
I said "either"...with the operative choice being she's obviously not god because mindfuck
Ah, thx, was wondering because I'm a late in life dater and when a woman mentioned she had briefly dated a cop I asked something like "lol what was that like" we smelled weed on the way up to hers near the elevator so it made me think of it. She deflected pretty well saying, "he's not around any more" and I just changed the subject. Wonder if she was worried for same reasons you mentioned. I guess my policy is mostly, don't ask don't tell. I think in my heart I do have that same feeling as OP but for me it's mostly insecurity like she'll have had way better and in the middle of the night wish it was him there not me.
A serious question. Why do guys continue to call a woman in her late 20's to mid 30's a girl? Is it because a guy hasn't matured enough to consider themselves a man?
Let me tell you how stupid guys are. I started dating a guy my sophomore year of college and invited him to my parents home for holidays thinking he might be the one. My parents graciously gave him a guest room (my old room) and I stayed with my sister in hers. The morning after our first night he was acting distant and avoiding me and thought he was being respectful of my parents home. However, we went to the store together and he launched into a nasty rant about me being a liar and slut and all because he saw a picture of an ex bf and I kissing which was on a shelf in my bedroom in my parents home. Needless to say the budding relationship did not survive that trip.
Sub conscious habit. Just always did it without thinking about it to match word choice of those around me until it was first pointed out to me
I think most guys don't get a fucking clue until like 30 years old
>Why do guys continue to call a woman in her late 20's to mid 30's a girl? People just use the words interchangeably and don't think twice about it. There honestly isn't any deeper meaning behind it
I don’t blame you for getting mad, a guy with your standards and morals would probably just need to date younger chicks (18-21) who would be more likely to be a virgin or had around 1 or 2 boyfriends.
Keep in mind most women start fucking around 15-16 years old though, so finding an 18 year old virgin will be a lot harder than it should but that’s just how the dating/sexual climate is now. My general rule is to never take a woman with more than 5 confirmed sexual partners seriously. This might not seem fair as I’ve been with 50+ women myself, but it wasn’t by choice. These women hide their crazy so good you think they are the one and a few months down the line they turn out to be psychotic whores so you’re forced to dump them and start over, and I like to try it before I buy it so yeah I’m a serial monogamist to that end.
My suggestion is lower your expectations slightly. If you want a younger chick expect her to be virgin or have 5 sexual partners, older than 25+ she should only have 5-10 sexual partners just to give slack but she better be one damn hell of a house keeper to make up for being a easy slut.
It takes some maturing on our side too in order to learn to resolve any past relationship issues before entering an new relationship. By that I mean any longing or hating has since been dealt with and I have no attachment anymore to a guy from the past and my new guy gets all me. No late night longing to worry about user
Lets review user. >I’ve been dating a girl for a month now So you two are not in an exclusive relationship with each other? >(we haven’t had sex yet by my own choice). So she has offered more or less to have sex with you, and you've turn her down? >One thing that is important to me is the past. You mean you like holding it against people? > So I always ask about sex partners. So I told her I wanted to talk about it. She said that was fine. I admitted to her that I’ve only had 2 partners before. Why would you disclose your number first? > One was a ONS when I was 18 (terrible experience and never again had a ONS or any sort of casual sex ever again), and the other was my first gf which I got at 25. I'm not surprised. >She smiled and said that is great! she actually seemed pleased by that desu. Cause you disclosed first. Her numbers can easily be adjusted later. >So then I asked her and she casually replied with “I had 9 partners”. She's a woman in her late 20s. Do the real math. >She probably instantly saw a negative reaction on my face so she just started telling me how “it’s not a big deal. You've had warning signs up until this point with her willingness to have sex earlier while dating, and not in a committed relationship. Why would this shock you now? >That close to the average for our generation anyways Yes, and her age and gender. It's probably actually higher. >She explained to me that she only had a few boyfriends. But the rest were FwB because she was “too busy to have a relationship while studying for her degree, but still needed physical intimacy Notice what she left out user? One night stands. >After she said that, we got into a fight because I told her basically that, that is bullshit. She said something that made you get into a useless argument. >I think I’m going to break up with her. So you are in an exclusive relationship with her or just dating?
(continued from >21271223) >I actually feel kind of disgusted I think you may feel disgusted cause you discovered something you already suspected. >Am I wrong here? Yes, I think you're in the wrong here but not for the same reasons. You've implied you could've had sex with this woman much sooner but decided not to, and continued to date her, not in an exclusive longer committed relationship. By your own set of standards, that should hav been a red flag from the beginning. Instead, you disclose your sexual history first, then ask for hers and are all shocked when she probably low balled you. If you're going to break up with her, break up with her. But don't try to act shocked, and come off as morally superior, and hypocritical when you date a woman for less than a month that wants to have sex with you.
I'm 23 and seeing an 18 year old girl who have had 5 partners, but never had an orgasm. I'm a virgin and don't think too much about it at all. Who cares about the past, when she is super into you?
I can only assume you come from a very traditional past or is insecure about something (small pp or something, idk). Morals and all is ok and important, but you have to realise that YOU are the one with abnormal expectancies at your age. I swear you will enjoy life more if you start to not give too many fucks. She's with you now, isn't she?
Honestly, grow up and apologize to her for calling it bullshit or break up with her and find the 1/100 girl that meets your stupid criteria.
>You seem like you want a LTR with this woman, so you have your work cut out for you. Stick to your guns and don't sleep with her until you know it's right and it's what you want. It may take a year before it's right. If you want to build your relationship before you have sex, that is your choice
I said in my OP I’m probably going to break up with her. I can’t date a girl who was a slut
We are exclusive
Yes she wanted to during week 2, but I declined and said I wanted to wait
Because i’m Honest
You guys are in your late twenties, most women around that age are gonna have high partner counts.
>I said in my OP I’m probably going to break up with her. I can’t date a girl who was a slut >Yes she wanted to during week 2, but I declined and said I wanted to wait >Because i’m Honest No, you're not. Cause if you were, you would have broken up with her at week two.
For a girl in her late 20s 9 isn’t that many.
>so much For a (presumably) attractive girl in her late 20s, those are rookie numbers. If it matters that much, break up, but people are all basically whores these days
I didn’t know she was a slut at week 2 >people are all basically whores these days It’s attitude like that that only make these things worse
It's not an attitude, it's a fact. Either deal with it or radically adjust your dating pool
Young adults have less sexual partners than previous generations. This is the fact that incels so desperately want to deny.
Incels more want to deny that the world doesn't work exactly like a cherrypicked OKCupid study made up of emotionally stunted women and desperate, horny men
And before someone starts posting graphs and that copypasta about attraction, everyone knows being more attractive is better.
Comfy if true
>I didn’t know she was a slut at week 2 >I’ve been dating a girl for a month (we haven’t had sex yet by my own choice) What part of this do you not understand user? By your own admissions, she wanted to have sex with you less than 30 days of dating. Then you call her a slut for admitting to having 9 past sex partners by her late 20s? Hahaha GTFO.
And why is being insecure bad?
it is true but like I said it took me awhile to be patient enough to resolve everything before jumping too soon into another relationship. Not every one can or will do that however you should be able to tell if there is any emotional baggage we carry about some guy from the past. I'll say this, its very liberating when I can hear an ex's name or see a pic and feel no regret.
Wouldn't you at least still look back comparatively though like, new guy doesn't chew with his mouth open I love that, but also he's shorter or too hairy, and I preferred the other way.
As someone that's seriously looking for LTRs and marriage, I'm suspicious of people that think ONS and/or FWB are okay or have a history of serial short-term monogamy. People just aren't prepared for commitment.
But now's a stupid time to try and break up OP. Yeah you've got a red flag but part of relationships is meeting people halfway and keeping water under the bridge. If you don't put in effort to make things work out then you don't deserve a partner either.
>Am I wrong here?
No. You've got your views and recognise that you're not compatible with her. It's better to end it now than get in deeper.
You aren't wrong but it's also virtually impossible to find a decent girl who doesn't have a body count in the double digits, they just don't exist Make your peace however you can, but don't rush to throw this one away over ideals you'll never be able to achieve
usually a girls behavior tells me if shes a virgin or not also age somewhat depends on it as well
dating a 19 year old girl and touched her on her knee under table and she got flustered and frozze up like a statue didnt know what to do and then I realized and backed off still seeing each other but finals right now
The thing is my first gf didn’t have a high count. She never had casual sex. Only 2 boyfriends before me I don’t expect a virgin. Just not a slut
>>”I’ve had 9 partners”
You can bet she has had a lot more than 9 partners. Especially when you revealed your count first. Triple her score.
She probably sees you as “settle-down, good provider” material, not an exciting chad but “safe”. She has calculated (she programmed her sex life in college) that she should do the house-and-marriage thing before she gets too old.
Once married she can always get divorced with alimony/child-support/marital assets or have occasional “flings” on vacations.
Most of the women I know in their early twenties have had 1 to 3 sexual partners, myself at 2, but I also don't necessarily care about hookup or party culture. That being said, if a man I was interested in openly asked me for an actual number, I wouldn't be naive, I'd grill him on why he needs to know and probably have a blowout then and there. I have little time for judgemental prudes, they're insufferable.
Being a prude is better than a slut. At least one of them decided to take care of themself
it's natural I think I view all women as girls even hardened grandmas I dont feel like that'll change