Suicide

I know why I am depressed too and knowing that didn't help me in anyway. Living for me is literally a torture every day.

>Suicide is clearly a very natural part of life, people do it every single fucking day.
So is abuse, rape and murder. What a shitty argument.

>Living for me is literally a torture every day.
Because your subconscious hate is directed at yourself. Grab hold of the hatred and direct it back at itself. Also learn it's tricks learn how it works how it tries to get to you. I find mine uses my persona (the social self) against me. It tries to make me think of my self as what I am in relation to others but in truth that is only a small fraction of my Self. And it is a compromise that I make with the world because I want to be loved and to have friends and to survive and so I have a persona but in reality it isn't me. Living for yourself means loving yourself and hating your shadow. Hate the hatred and evil in you that others planted against you. Don't worry about your future right now just focus on fighting that voice in your mind. I know it is hard to figure out user but please keep trying.

I don't hate myself, though. I just don't like living. Been thinking like that since kid, hasn't changed. I don't have anything to look forward to and I don't see a point living because idk I have to. I have no friends, failing uni, never worked a day in my life, etc.

That is hatred, it is your subconscious hating itself. It may not manifest in an obvious way that is what makes it so difficult, why depression is so hard to get over.

Also those things you described are part of your persona. Failing Uni, never having worked, that is what you are in relation to others it is not you it is a lie. I know in our social media run world it seems everyone now fully identifies themselves as their persona but it is only a part of you and it is an act you play to participate with others. Even as a child you played and pretended it is how your mind grew. Forget about those things and just think about what you really are, see the beauty in yourself.

Death happens, I don't think it needs justification, just like life doesn't.

Remember that the government is evil and that by exploiting what it's decided to entitle you to helps the system collapse sooner which it damn well needs to before life can stop being so awful for most people.

I appreciate the words. But yeah, I might just have to end it at this point, I think it's better than the alternative. I don't want to be some loser leech, locked up in some mental hospital drugged up for the rest of my life. Which is looking like a distinct possibility to me. I've seen it myself when I was in mental hospital - there are people who spend the rest of their lives drugged up and dependent on the system. Is that a good life? No. You know how some people kill themselves when they're terminally ill? Because they realise that the rest of their life will just be shit, will strip them of their dignity, and will have them on tons of drugs they hate? This situation might be similar. Although the difference is that my situation is my fault, since I didn't just get a fucking job.

>I don't want to be some loser leech, locked up in some mental hospital drugged up for the rest of my life.
user that speaks to the horrible shitty fucking psychiatric system far far more than it speaks about you. You do not deserve that and the people who are stuck there for life don't either it is because psychiatry is a fucked system. I was in a psych ward as well and I felt the subconscious hatred and disdain for mentally ill people there, the psychiatrist that let me out was completely expressionless. He did not give a single fuck about what he did, all the pain people experience there and this jackass just sits there emotionless FUCK that guy.

>Although the difference is that my situation is my fault, since I didn't just get a fucking job.
No it isn't getting a job requires people to give you a chance. Did they give you a fair chance? Or did they judge you based on your struggles? Don't blame yourself for everything user you are not responsible for everything in your life you live in a world full of people that have to be there for you too. All of the responsiblilty doesn't lie solely on you.

Selfish? On one's family, maybe. But then I have to have a long hard think about whether I can actually ever succeed in life, have a family, etc. If I can't then it won't matter if I die now or in 50 years' time - either way my parents won't get any grandkids. So it makes no difference - except for the fact that if I die now, I'll save the taxpayer a lot of money, because at the moment I'm using up government benefits.

Those things affect innocent people. So obviously I have no right to do any of those things, and would never do them. But suicide is me making a decision about my life. It might make my parents unhappy, sure. But I would only do it if I felt that there's no possible way that I will be able to get back on track and one day have a family. If getting back on track is impossible, then it won't make a difference whether I kill myself now or die in 50 years' time, because either way, my parents won't be getting any grandkids. So from a purely objective perspective it genuinely won't matter if I die now or later.

When I was working and paying my taxes, I became much more opinionated about where I wanted government money to go - because I realised it was MY money that I was earning by busting my ass at work every day. And I am sure many other working people are the same. Many of them will almost certainly be thinking, even if they don't admit it, that they'd rather their tax money doesn't get spent on people who will literally just drain money for years and never give anything back to the system.

I was close to suicide when I started using heroin.. it literally saved my life and gave me reason to live. I stopped caring about everything and threw my lot into drugs. Start taking opiates and benzos and you might find out life is alright after all. It’s cheap; you can still find u-47700 and somthing like Clonazolam online. Guarentee to change your life so that you don’t give a good flying fuck. That said, things were worse when I got finished with the addiction, but I had an amazing wife to get clean with me and work through all the shit we destroyed. It’s worth a try! If all that fails, just kill yourself after! Problem solved

Realised I should respond to the posts that I haven't yet responded to in this thread.

Well there you go.

No, I haven't. Instead I've just been fucking unemployed for years at this point. My life sort of spiralled away somehow. Not really sure how. I fucked up.

Yeah I think it probably should be. With safeguards of course, but yeah.

Yeah I've thought that sort of thing too. And ultimately for me it's a decision between the life I think I'm likely to have from this point (shit, and possibly having to take psychiatric zombifying medication, which takes away your own fucking control over your own fucking life, just to keep myself from being forcibly locked up in a mental hospital again) and, y'know, deciding that I don't want that life.

It's your life, if you don't want to live it then well that's your choice to make. I'd like to be able to enjoy my life but am incapable of happiness. I feel intense dread, all the time, over everything. It's not a life worth living.
My greatest desire is die in my sleep. But dying definitely isn't going to be that easy either unfortunately.

My perspective on the psych system is this. The doctors I came across, in my country's system, were fine. I do think they're trying to help people. But I just think that some people are in situations where maybe they cannot be helped. Or actually let's put it another way - maybe they could be helped, if people gave them coaching to get back into work. THAT'S what people need. Not fucking drugs. They need JOBS. So they actually have a chance of earning a living, living independently, and perhaps one day getting a partner and having a family. If society really does want to help, that would be the thing to do. Try and get people into jobs as soon as possible, as soon as their mental problems are first spotted. The longer that people are out of jobs and out of society, the worse their lives get, and the lower their chances of getting back on track become. I bet a doctor would say "some of these people are far too ill to work jobs", and for many of the old-timers, that's almost certainly true. But that's because they've spent years out of society, which has made them give up any sort of hope that they can ever fit back in and make a success of themselves. So the early-intervention, get people back into work ASAP model is probably the best thing. But this model would probably be more expensive than throwing drugs at people. And besides, I don't really have any right to ask society to do these things for me. It's up to society what they want to do. But if you actually want to help people, that's the only way to do it.

I'll answer the point about jobs in another post because of the character limit.

I want to tell you that you're wrong, but frankly I'm close enough to it myself that I've got nothing to say really.

>No it isn't getting a job requires people to give you a chance. Did they give you a fair chance? Or did they judge you based on your struggles? Don't blame yourself for everything user you are not responsible for everything in your life you live in a world full of people that have to be there for you too. All of the responsiblilty doesn't lie solely on you.
Well I quit my last job without having another lined up, which was irresponsible. I was just frustrated. It was really fucking stupid and I shouldn't have done it. Then I sort of didn't know what to do next. Which was another mistake. I ended up moving out of my houseshare where I was renting a room and going back to my mum's, because without an income I didn't want to burn through my savings for rent (although actually looking back, maybe I should have until I got a new job). I started applying for new jobs and I did have a couple of interviews, a couple of months after I quit my last job. They were with good companies too. Didn't get the jobs though. And I dunno, I guess I got into a hole. Went on Jow Forums every day. Applied for some jobs but didn't ever really get anything back. Lost confidence I guess. After two years of unemployment I went a bit nuts because I was angry and frustrated. Got locked up in a mental hospital for the first time in my life. Then the last couple years I've been in and out. It's now over four years since I quit my job. So yeah. I'm fucking screwed really. I should accept responsibility for my stupid actions and jump in front of a train, honestly.

Interesting. I've not once heard of heroin improving someone's life. That's quite unusual. If you're doing well in life now then that's good.

Yeah I think you're right. I never used to think like this - I always thought I would fight for a better life, always, until someone defeats me. In fact maybe I should start thinking like that again. But I just keep thinking that I'm 28, I've been out of work since 24 when I quit my job, and also I've noticed that I'm already getting physically older. After I got out of the mental hospital the last time I was locked up, I got a gym membership, and I have gone a bit. Like once a week on average. But I've noticed I'm not as strong or youthful as when I was 23 - 24 and going to the gym. I think it's what they would call fast twitch muscle fibres or something. I could train and I would still get bigger, sure, but I will never be able to compete with kids younger than me ever again. And this is a really depressing thought. Because the last time I was in a job, I was at peak age, I guess. At that age, you are at the peak to turn your body into anything. But now I'm already past that peak and my body will get weaker with every year. Depressing. By the way I'm scrawny as fuck but I always wanted to get fitter. But now I know that I've basically thrown that potential down the fucking toilet.

>I'd like to be able to enjoy my life but am incapable of happiness. I feel intense dread, all the time
That sounds pretty insane. Can't say I've had that. Do you know why? Did you not have good times as a child at least? For me, I did definitely have some good times as a kid (and some less good ones). So for me it's easy to identify the things that have made me unhappy, and those that made me happy.

>My perspective on the psych system is this. The doctors I came across, in my country's system, were fine. I do think they're trying to help peopl
That's why I said subconscious disdain. On the surface many of the nurses seemed kind but underneath they didn't care. But you are right not everyone is evil in the system it is more of the system itself being bad.
I don't disagree with you about Jobs however there is more to happiness than having a job but yes my job has been extremely helpful in allowing me to gain independence. I oo think they should focus on things like that. When I went to therapy I wanted help finding friends, I never really got any of that just lessons about thinking positively.

user regardless of any mistakes you made first of all you owned up to them which is great. But even so you should not kill yourself because you can't get a job at the moment. I think you probably could get some kind of job and make a living but you need to find someone who will trust in you. I don't think you need to carry total responsibility either. Our society should be more helpful to people who are struggling mentally. Is there anything you can do to get a job? Aren't there agencies that help with that? Something you could at least balance with the rest of your life?

Sorry to hear it mate. Life is shite I guess - at least it can be. I guess we have to decide whether to keep fighting to make a life for ourselves or whether no amount of fighting will be able to change the situation. I don't know, I'm still deliberating over this myself. I think I probably should keep trying to fight. Because why not, I've got nothing to lose and everything to gain. I definitely have made a huge mistake in my life by quitting my last job and then finding myself in a pit of indecision. Stupidest fucking thing I ever did. But maybe now I just need to fight to live, and fight for a future. I won't tell you what to do but maybe you should think about if there's any way you can try and make a good future for yourself. Hope you do manage to work it out man.

I have severe depression and anxiety. Even as a kid I struggled with mental health issues, though definitely better off as a kid over now.
Anhedonia is the technical term for the reduced capacity or inability to feel pleasure and it's probably the hardest symptom to deal with. That combined with constant anxiety is unpleasant and exhausting. Don't really know what else to do about it at this point.
Good luck to you, hope you can feel better about life eventually.

I wish you all the best, but I'm pretty sure I'm done. Life seems like a pointless, stupid joke to me. Honestly I don't even feel sad or any of that other shit that used to accompany my suicidal thoughts. Nowdays it's just a casual, sober mindset about how pointless and futile existence is. As far as I can tell even if things were going great it would still be pointless.
I know it will hurt my family and I really don't want to. But realistically that changes nothing in a broader sense.

you can allways start a new llife in another city or country. To much debt. Go to other country and get fake passports there.

>On the surface many of the nurses seemed kind but underneath they didn't care.
I found many of the healthcare assistants to be really genuinely cool people who really did try to get to know you and they really did seem to care. A couple I didn't get on with - in one place there was a guy I thought was a cunt because he clearly didn't give a shit about any of the patients, and in another place there was a guy who tried to restrain me which I thought was unnecessary (I was agitated, but I really believe him trying to restrain me was unnecessary - thankfully I was stronger than he expected and he couldn't get me down to the ground even though he tried, lmao). But there were some who were really cool.
>the system itself being bad
What do you think makes it bad? I guess I just see it as a necessary evil. Or rather an inevitable evil. It is what it is. I really wanted to abscond several times but I knew that they'd just send the fucking police after me so, yeah, it is what it is.
>I don't disagree with you about Jobs however there is more to happiness than having a job but yes my job has been extremely helpful in allowing me to gain independence.
It is by far from the only thing to life, but it is the most basic thing in life. It's the thing you need before you think about anything else, really. It's the most basic standard of functioning in human society. It gives you the money you need to live independently.
>When I went to therapy I wanted help finding friends, I never really got any of that just lessons about thinking positively.
Fair. If you want to make friends, try and chat with your work colleagues, but also you could try making friends through interests. E.g. join a gym class, or a cycling club, or try and start a band if you're musical, or whatever. There are groups out there for every interest. Also if you're still friends with people from school or any other job then you could contact them.

I'll answer next points in another post.

>Our society should be more helpful to people who are struggling mentally
To be honest I'm grateful I got any help at all. Many societies in the world lock up those who have mental troubles in prison-like environments. The stigma can be way worse in those countries. And even in developed nations they used to lobotomise people and all that shit.
>Is there anything you can do to get a job?
Yeah I could, sort of torn at the moment though. I contacted my old boss for a reference (after health system people recommended that I should). I didn't ask him for a job, I thought I wouldn't do that straight away, but he actually offered that I could work back there if I wanted to. So that's a pretty good opportunity I think. But it requires moving back to the city where I did that job before, and my mum keeps saying I shouldn't do that because I might go nuts again, etc. But I probably should just fucking do it. I am 28 fucking years old after all.

>I found many of the healthcare assistants to be really genuinely cool people
Alright well I guess I look at it with a negative lense there was a very cool psychiatric nurse there who helped me get out.

>What do you think makes it bad?
Use of force to correct people that committed zero crimes (although even being a crime may not make something bad). It is oppressive at it's core.

>It is by far from the only thing to life, but it is the most basic thing in life.
Yes I don't really disagree but it could be hard to maintain a job while hating existence.

>f you want to make friends, try and chat with your work colleagues,
Thanks user yeah I am trying to make friends now on my own it has worked fairly well.

>Many societies in the world lock up those who have mental troubles in prison-like environments.
The fact that other people have it worse doesn't make what happens here better. That kind of thinking just ends up dismissing all pain. I hear this thought process a lot because our society really pushes this shit on people, hide your pain because hey at least you aren't poor and starving but it doesn't matter whether you want to run from it or not your subconscious will remember your pain.

>But I probably should just fucking do it. I am 28 fucking years old after all.
Well that is great news you have a job offer if you feel comfortable moving there that sounds like a good idea but did you like the job or even just like how it fit into your life? I do think the fact you have an offer means things are not hopeless for you.

>Anhedonia
So you don't feel pleasure from video games? Or watching a TV show you like? Or socialising? Or reading books (which maybe aren't necessarily that pleasurable, but interesting, in my view)? Or exercising? I would have thought that most people can find something that they enjoy... but maybe I'm wrong. There are mental health conditions that I must admit I don't really understand. Schizophrenia would be another one, I don't understand how people hear voices that aren't there, for instance. Anyway that sucks. I guess all I could suggest is trying to find something you enjoy... if that's possible.

>how pointless and futile existence is
In my view, the point of all living things is, ultimately, to spread their genes. Some people don't seem to like that view - especially those who have decided they don't want children. But I think it's true - based on the evidence we see in the world. Every organism is trying to propagate themselves. Life is just a fight to propagate your genes, really.
>As far as I can tell even if things were going great it would still be pointless.
I would definitely disagree... I think when people's lives are going semi-decently then they are motivated to succeed and they don't see things as pointless. So you might want to consider that if things were a bit better then you might feel very motivated to seize life.

Of course it's all up to you. Your life is your own. Like you said to me: I would tell you to keep hope but I'm thinking about topping myself too, lol. I'm going to try and stay positive for the next few days though personally; I contacted mental health services last week (I'm known to them because they locked me up a couple times) because I realised I was going down in mood and I needed to either do something or make suicide plans. So I'm seeing someone on Tuesday. Just waiting til then and I'll ask this guy what he thinks I should do. So you could consider contacting your own local mental health services if you wanted. It sucks resorting to that, but if society's offering it, may as well see what they have to say at the very least.

I’ve been clean roughly 3 years, but I’ve been getting a nagging urge to kill myself and my one co worker recently so I just got some more. Relapse is imminent when i get home in about a week from now. Wish me luck

>In my view, the point of all living things is, ultimately, to spread their genes
It seems to be to some extent, but it's also part of why I believe life is pointless. If all we're doing is keeping life going for the sake of itself, it seems to me like existence is just going through the motions like mindless drones until we're all dead. But that's only one facet; it'd take me all day to make a proper attempt at explaining myself and I'd likely miss a few things, anyway.
>I think when people's lives are going semi-decently then they are motivated to succeed and they don't see things as pointless.
At this stage that isn't even a factor for me. Like I said, very long story.

Debt is not my problem personally.

Yeah true the use of force fucking sucks, I agree with you there, and yes you could definitely say it's unjustified. But I guess they think that if they save some people's lives and get them back on track then it's worth it. I can see where they're coming from. But yeah maybe we should just respect people's own decisions.
>Yes I don't really disagree but it could be hard to maintain a job while hating existence.
True maybe I need to get my fucking head straight before jumping back into work.
>Thanks user yeah I am trying to make friends now on my own it has worked fairly well.
Good to hear it user.
>The fact that other people have it worse doesn't make what happens here better.
In my country, the UK, I didn't have much to complain about with our mental health services. Apart from the fact that they locked me up in the first place. I was pretty angry about that when it first happened. But the system itself was okay, I guess. I didn't see any staff acting inappropriately. And I got comfy rooms in every place I stayed in - apart from one, actually, which had a shit room with graffiti. The others were good though.
>hide your pain because hey at least you aren't poor and starving
I think society is definitely shifting on that idea. In the UK there are a lot of mental health campaigns to get people talking. I usually don't disclose any problems I'm having until I'm right at the edge of sanity. At that point I think to myself, yeah maybe I should call mental health services again otherwise I might jump in front of a train and I may as well see what they have to offer first.

>whether you want to run from it or not your subconscious will remember your pain
I guess ultimately all of us have to defeat the pain. If it's pain that was caused by others, then obviously you should be blaming them instead of yourself. But yeah, ultimately we all have to defeat these pains really. But obviously there are mental health services out there for assistance if the situation is extremely bad.
>did you like the job
It was okay. When I quit I was hoping to do something else. But I haven't. And I just need a damn job really. That old job could at least give me a future. And it's got a lot of opportunity to progress, if I stick my head down. I mean it would take a lot of time and effort to progress, but it's probably possible. And at this point it might be my best option.

Man, don't throw it all down the drain. Fight for a good life, don't throw it all away by digging another pit for yourself.

I can see what you mean I know not everyone in the system is bad and maybe it is helpful for some people but I felt like it was not helpful for me and when I pointed that out they just got more forceful and listened to me less. It was like they didn't care about anything I said.

I hope things work out for you user please don't give up on life I think you are a smart person you have a lot of potential. Good luck.

>it seems to me like existence is just going through the motions like mindless drones until we're all dead
We're not drones. Humans are the most creative and advanced animals on the planet; although even the other animals are not drones. They do what they want to do. But in the case of humans, we have so much to look forward to: conquering the solar system, for example. Then maybe one day interstellar travel. And a long time from now, maybe intergalactic travel. Getting to Mars, in the near term, should be pretty fucking cool. So firstly I don't think existence is pointless for any organism; all organisms are fighting to propagate themselves as much as possible, and also I guess to try and dominate their environment, because that's what gives their genes the best chance for proliferation. But then also for humans, yes humans have the same motivations, but we're also capable of cool shit like going to different planets.
>At this stage that isn't even a factor for me. Like I said, very long story.
Sorry to hear that you think that. Hopefully you might not see things as pointless soon. Anyway I've definitely gotta go to bed, but good talking to you. Obviously what life decisions you make are up to you but might as well see if mental health services have anything to offer before making the most permanent decision of them all.

Fair enough. Yeah it can feel like that. I think I've forgotten how angry I was when I was first locked up and how I didn't want to do anything they said. In total I've been locked up for months on end. It was only the third time I was locked up that I actually took their shitty drugs because I just wanted to be out as soon as possible because I thought "being here is achieving nothing so I have to get out".

Thanks for the words, you too, good to talk to you. I should definitely go to bed at this point. Good chat though. I'll probably check this thread tomorrow but in any case, good luck.

Thanks, but I don't see the point in professional help. I don't see how they can suddenly stop life from being pointless. It was nice of you to try and I really do hope that you make a proper go of life, but it just isn't for me.