I'm 26M, she's 27F. We've been dating for more than a year and I think we might have incompatible values and expectations of life.
I'm 100% on board with moving in, marriage, family, working and earning money to support that. Not at this moment but in a few years when we're both financially and emotionally ready. Atm I work a corporate job and have lived alone for the past 4 years supporting myself, trying my damn hardest to not be a man baby. I've become a bit "hardy" because of it and I'm very success and goal oriented, a lot of times to a fault where I come off as having a stick up my ass and harsh to others.
My girlfriend is ambivalent about kids, not an outright no, but hasn't decided yet. She's not as motivated as me, and still lives with her mom working a shitty retail part time job. She's a college graduate like me. She has an educated family like mine. But she doesn't care about that "heteronormative" (ugh) life that much despite saying she loves me. Her life goals were "meh whatever I don't know yet". She's the type to quit her job (another garbage job) on a whim to travel to a different country and have fallback plan because her mom and dad will coddle her. This reflects her worldview.
I want to take my relationship seriously, and I want to take my potential family seriously and my life seriously. I can't help but feel that her lack of drive and her laid back lifestyle is going to fuck me over, its already annoying me. And the extreme anti-patriarchy shit doesn't help either. I don't want to dominate everyone I just want to be a decent man to my woman and hopefully a good father figure for my family ffs
>"heteronormative" Did she literally say that word?
Sounds like you are currently dealing with a sjw type Coddled by boomer parent in a middleclass coaxed into naivete for the world "outside" If you are willing to work obscenely slow you might 'redpill' her out of it with a high chance of failing since you are a toxic masculinity male from the patriarchy
The easiest solution is to find a girl from a humble background that knows the true value of labor and sacrifice and share your time with her And leave your exgf to become the wineaunt catlady she is destined to become
Yes she did.
>dealing with the sjw type Meh. She is. I didn't want to bring that to light because I'm not an sjw, but I'm not a MRA red piller type either. And this is Jow Forums, so now the floodgates are opened.
This is what came to my mind when I read your post.
Why are you with a person like that? Seems like you've started to become independent and competent at least 4 years ago, but you've been dating her for just over a year. Why did you choose her?
I ask this because it sounds like you have someone who will just drag you down, whether intentionally or unintentionally. I don't know if "incompatible" is the word, it just sounds like you got with someone who doesn't even have any values that you can respect, doesn't wanna try, and doesn't care
Reread what you wrote. You wrote 3 paragraphs complaining about her. You probably spent several minutes doing this. Do you really want that to be your life? And it's only been a year. Imagine this after 5 years. You even said "I can't help but feel that her lack of drive and her laid back lifestyle is going to fuck me over, its already annoying me."
How do you think your life will look like if you risk staying with this person, in hopes of changing them?
How do you think your life could look like if you risked dropping them and finding someone better?
>Why are you with a person like that? Seems like you've started to become independent and competent at least 4 years ago, but you've been dating her for just over a year. Why did you choose her?
To be honest with you, I feel I was bait and switched. When we first met and started dating she had her own place and had a job that, while it wasn't good or something she enjoyed, paid her bills and enabled her to support herself.
Everything about her that I'm not a fan of atm came to light like 8 months in the relationship. Her personality hasn't changed in my eyes though.
Have you talked to her about it?
Numerous times, with maybe a little progress. She truly hated that job, and had her parents to fall back on so I was understanding. I get it, work sucks, this shit isn't easy and I know very well what it's like to fall on your ass.
Then that "temporary stay at my moms house while I get on my feet" turned into a year long+ stint. Ive gone out of my way to help her with her resume and job / grad apps that she was interested in, but honestly I just feel she's going through the motions so that I'll see that she's "trying". She actually cried at the thought of writing a cover letter because of anxiety. Now she has another part time job, but during the day if I ask what she did she'll just say she baked and watched reality TV or some shit, and that she "looked at programs to apply to".
I've tried very very hard to understand her and not be judgemental, but it's getting increasingly difficult, especially when I'm balancing my own shit of working, paying my own bills and tending to my own life.
And it's also definitely caused me to respect her less. Not that she's not as successful as me or anyone else, but that she appears to be totally content being comfy not paying rent but then simultaneously goes on lefty rants about representation, socialism etc., especially to a guy who would be fucked if I ever lost my job in this expensive fucking city
Your entire story here, in this thread, is exactly what happened to me recently- down to the age difference. The bait and switch and everything. We're getting divorced now. Do not marry her. She is just going to pretend to want what you want if you try and 'convince' her. She is likely depressed or worse as a result of her coddled upbringing- it explains her directionless life. She needs to change and she probably won't if you stay with her.
You've been with her for more than a year, everything about her you're not a fan of atm came to light 8 months ago, and the "temporary stay at moms house while I get on my feet" turned into a year long + stint. It looks like this has been lasting throughout most of your relationship.
I'm really happy that you got your shit together and you have the drive and motivation to keep improving. It is really a great think to hear that someone is figuring things out and looking positively at life. I'm glad what you're doing user and you should be proud of yourself. Keep doing what you're doing.
I want to ask you what do you think you should do about this? What do you think are the some potential solutions and what would be their positive and negative consequences? Writing it out may help you because it helps me a lot.
Obviously, you don't have to do it here if it's too private. You can open up Word and write out how you feel and the issues, and try to at least guess some potential solutions. At the very least it'll make the situation more organized and clearer.
>I want to ask you what do you think you should do about this? What do you think are the some potential solutions and what would be their positive and negative consequences? Writing it out may help you because it helps me a lot.
I have one solution that I come back to over and over again, and it's relocating. Im not from the current area where we're living, but she is. She's born and raised here, lived in the same house her entire life, went to college here, the whole nine yards. I've moved around in 5-6 year intervals my entire life, so while I have no problem creating a network of friends and a life wherever I've ended up, I'm still not afraid to uproot.
I just can't help but think that if we movedto another state or something we could actually live an adult life together and she'd basically be forced to fend for herself in some capacity cause the metaphorical comfort blanket won't be there. It's probably a dumb idea but the thought has definitely crossed my mind if I got a high enough paying job somewhere else and gave her the ultimatum of "either I go or we go"
Dont. She will be dependent on you for substitute safety blanket And you wont be able to say no because you made her go.
Honestly. If she was your high school sweetheart you wouldn’t be doubting her ego or social life. Cause once you marry and establish that setting. Friends go out the door. No more date nights. And I mean that outta respect for the children you may bare. Keep all that in mind the next time your out with friends and seethe look on her face. Good luck.
I'm confused by the meaning of your post desu
She may turn into a lazy person given that you are willing to do all these things for marriage etc. that if she is already showing signs of carelessness or respective carefree attitude of whatever she wants to do. Then prepare for a life of chores’. Good luck.
Yes you are obviously incompatible. A marriage isn’t going to fix her habits or world view. So you better make sure it’s all taken care of before you so something you might regret. Sadly strong successful women like strong successful men, so you might have to deal with some of the patriarchal shaming. But it’s a small price to pay for a healthy and steady family unit.
>yes she did She sounds awful desu
Well there goes that plan
I've got nothing else but to give her more time
if you describe your self as having "values" and she doesn't share your retardation I'd say split. however many successful relationships are unconventional as long as you care more about each other than standing for something you can make it work. It will be hella easy to just pick up some corny churchy for you.
Break up, she already disappoints you. I bet you donteven like her fashion style.
>I'm 26M, she's 27F. >I'm 100% on board with moving in, marriage, family, working and earning money to support that. >My girlfriend is ambivalent about kids, not an outright no, but hasn't decided yet. She's not undecided. Most girls know if they want to be a mom or not at a young age, and are very sure about it at age 12-14. The fact she's 27 and you want to start a family in a few years is going to be a lot more difficult in conceiving. You'll also run the risk of lots of other syndromes caused by her low quality eggs. >She has an educated family like mine So are both of you educated, or just your families? What kind of education did she and her parents have? >She's the type to quit her job (another garbage job) on a whim to travel to a different country and have fallback plan because her mom and dad will coddle her. This reflects her worldview. This is a huge red flag. She's showing no independence, no loyalty, no life goals, live in the moment, no accountability, and probably being a sponsored roastie (by her parents or someone else we don't know).
>So are both of you educated, or just your families? What kind of education did she and her parents have?
Both of us have bachelor's degrees. Our families, parents included, are all professionally educated professionals in law, medicine, engineering, higher business etc.
What is this?
Yikes. Get the fuck out of there man. "Do you want kids" was a date #1 question until I got married. If you're 27 and don't know what you want out of life you might just be unmotivated
>Both of us have bachelor's degrees. Our families, parents included, are all professionally educated professionals in law, medicine, engineering, higher business etc. So both of you have bachelors while everyone else in your families have levels of education? Does she has a degree in law, medicine, engineering, higher business? Cause it doesn't really sound like it. >What is this? Woman who gets paid to basically have sex. Whether she's doing it on her parent's dime, or she's some guy's sugar baby is a different story. Could be a combination too. Parents give a small stipend, and she does whatever to make the difference up.
>Does she has a degree in law, medicine, engineering, higher business? Cause it doesn't really sound like it.
Nope. And I don't really care about either of us being a hardcore surgeon or a type A executive or some shit. That's the other end of the "success" spectrum that I want nothing to do with desu
>Nope. And I don't really care about either of us being a hardcore surgeon or a type A executive or some shit. That's the other end of the "success" spectrum that I want nothing to do with desu So her degree is either useless or being underutilized, and was basically another vacation for her?
She didn't have the easiest time in college and honestly neither did I. I've done "better" than her post-college in spite of it but I'm not "STEM or bust" levels of intense
She travels by herself? 150% chance you got cucked