so how do I get a gf if I'm shy AND awkward?
please help, I'm so lonely
So how do I get a gf if I'm shy AND awkward?
so how do I get a gf if I'm shy AND awkward?
One, prepare for your shyness and socially awkward behaviour to be interpreted as creepy.
Act. Or go to gym
Those are the two absolute main factors to eradicate to be in a relationship.
I mean, I've learnt it the hard way. But hey, it's never too late to change.
I got to live my first true relationship at age 24.
I suffered rather severe social anxiety when I was little, plus I looked like a mess through my teens and when I fixed that I was too socially retarded to pick up the hints when I was still 20.
Most of the introversion, I've also learnt, is daughter of the lack of self-esteem, which I'd guess happens to you. Does it?
Do things you don't like in order to achieve something greater that you do like.
What do you mean act? I can't really just pretend to not be an awkward loner. Also I do go to the gym, at least I used to, but I'll start back up again soon, so there's that.
this is really sad to read, I don't wanna be lonely I'm not gonna make it much longer. and yes I have horrible self-esteem, not sure what came first though.
huh, do what? and why call me a dumbass?
It is, and it's tough. I mean, take it as a positive message: it took me forever to fix myself, I did it almost completely on my own, through introspection and rejection. If I could, so can you!
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", they say. Essentially, if you can't be around men of any background without suffering in the inside because you feel awkward, it's going to be very hard (unless you meet her online first - not that crazy nowadays).
But if you want to do it personally with some chick you've seen somewhere (uni, work, wherever you like to go) being able to keep a fluent conversation and not be nervous all the time is an absolute must.
Do you have someone you like, or you'd want to be together to feel life is better because you have someone beside you?
Begg them/tell them how pretty they are on social media
can you be more specific how you fixed yourself?
I just want someone that will make me happy and not so lonely and sad all the time.
You need to be happy first, that's the secret
Just hang out with a shy awkward girl but try to be a friend first. Don't be creepy you'll scare her away.
>You need to be happy first
That mindset is generally what spurs off a lot of cases of depression we have now. And is generally an egotistical and selfish approach.
My case? I became the silly guy-type. The one that cracks bad jokes based on the situation.
I also parody myself a lot. If you can laugh at your own failures in a non-depressing way, you'll both feel less hurt and make people like you in a way.
When you go a level further and joke about how bad are your jokes, you'll definitely get a few laughs, and everyone likes that.
You've got to get a feel for it, though. Otherwise it'd be awkward anyway.
I.E. I'm celiac, diabetic, short-sighted, have heart problems, an abusive father and have bad luck most of the time.
Depressing? Yes, it is - so instead of crying about it and sharing how pitiful I felt, I developed a pretty dark and quick sense of humor.
Sure, it's not for everybody, but those who get a kick out of it have a good time around me.
The "love" I recieved that way also boosted my self-esteem.
Then again, that's how I handled it. Your case could be entirely different.
There's got to be things you're good at. Something you can take pride on. No matter your ego tells you there's none - there HAS to be something in you.
It's your job to think about what that might be.
Also, I've been lonely most of my life so I understand how you feel, but, as said, a relationship -needs- you to be good to yourself prior to being good to others.
(Again, guessing) your self criticism will move others away (not to mention women in general) rather that appealing them to help you.
Try to feel better about yourself by doing things and gaining courage to do more and do it better. Then the company will come, and with the company, the girl you wish for.
One last tip: mentalize yourself to not let rejection harm you. It hurts, but it's unavoidable and part of the progress of getting to know people.
First is to stop being such a negative depressed whiner.
ignore this, you will come across as pityable at best. if you don't demonstrate self-respect no-one else will respect you
t. lived like this all through high school then found out no-one cared about me
I have problems too, but I am not going to stoop this low just to be approved by others
I got a crazy idea that just might work. Get a shirt with the words "Shy and Awkward but working on it" printed on it. Then when you talk to girls they will know you are shy and awkward and not just a creepy motherfucker. There are also a number of women who actually like shy and awkward guys (depending on if your awkwardness can be construed in a cute way).
Honestly what have you got to lose?
>jestermaxxing for pussy
user I seriously hope you don't do this
You don't want it bad enough.
The chance of a girl saying yes to you asking her out in person is extremely high.
Just go straight up to them and tell them you like them. Females appreciate being straightforward.
does this actually work? I sorta tried this once and she just kinda laughed at me not in a rude way but in a dismissive way like wtf get away from me.
>What do you mean act? I can't really just pretend to not be an awkward loner.
Yeah, you can. Fake it until you make it.
Don't look for a girlfriend. Don't even look for friends.
Look for activities. Join a club, join a team, join a gym, take a class, do volunteer work, etc
Put yourself in situations where you are DOING something alongside others. Chatting about what you're doing will come naturally, and because you're focused on the doing, your shyness won't interfere.
Eventually someone will say "Lets all go for a drink/coffee/snack afterwards" and suddenly you're hanging out with friends.
And some will be female or know females, and you'll meet them, and hit it off with one, and.....
>Gym fixing social issues
Stop perpetuating this lie
What I mean is, if i could just fake not being awkward then i wouldn't even be awkward at all because then it would just be a choice
Hm, this is good advice but what activities should I do? Im in college so there's lots of clubs but no one really talks to me when I go only a little even if i try to start the convo. Any tips?
Don't expect them to talk to you instantly. Get involved in the DOING for its own sake. The rest will follow
Ok that makes sense. What clubs/activities did you join that this worked for?
The most important thing is stop thinking that you are shy or awkward.
but the only thing making me sad is no gf, if I had gf i would be very happy
Ah yes, because a fat autist who doesn't go out has more chances at getting a girlfriend than a fit autist who at least is showing some effort to improve.
Women find those things cute and endearing
>but the only thing making me sad is no gf, if I had gf i would be very happy
No, a gf would not make you happy, and the fact that you think she would is one of the reasons for your unhappiness. A gf is not a pet or an anime waifu that exists to pander to your wishes. She is a complete human being, with her own life, problems, goals and desires. A healthy relationship can only exist between two functional humans and you are not one of those.
So if you actually really want to stop being lonely, you have to work on becoming a real human bean. That is hard and takes effort and time, but all good things in life are like that. Follow what said.
>Hm, this is good advice but what activities should I do? Im in college so there's lots of clubs but no one really talks to me when I go only a little even if i try to start the convo. Any tips?
Do the things you find genuinely interesting. If you only go for hitting on girls, it will be very obvious and people will think you are a creep. Also, social skills are skills. You get better by practicing. So expect a lot of failure and awkwardness at first, you just have to get through it. Failure is okay if you learn from it.
Wrong. A gf would take all my worries away since the only thing i worry about is how lonely I am. So therefore a gf would make me happy, something like a best friend would too ig
Also all the clubs I've joined so far have been male dominated, ill keep looking though
Only if you're already attractive/above 6'2
>only thing i worry about is how lonely I am
You are missing my point. You obviously have no idea how actual real-life relationships work, so you would not be able to maintain a healthy one. Sane high-quality women will spot that in an instant and avoid you like plague, so the only women you could possibly attract would be highly damaged ones that would make your life hell. But what do I know, I only thought like you for years.
>You obviously have no idea how actual real-life relationships work
can you explain how they work then? I thought you would just talk to each, hang out sometimes, and have sex. What am I missing?
find environment youre more comfortable with.
>can you explain how they work then?
Not in a post or even an entire thread. This shit is complicated man, it can take years to figure out. I started at 24 and it took me almost until 30 to get somewhere. Most people get it badly wrong and their relationships crash and burn and sometimes ruin their lives. As a start, you can look at Models by Mark Manson. I disagree with that book on several points, but it does a good job of explaining how neediness and desperation are supremely unattractive. Also, look at his blog, there's good stuff in there.
>I thought you would just talk to each, hang out sometimes, and have sex.
Yes, those are things that you typically do with your gf, but there is A LOT more to it than just this.
>What am I missing?
Pretty much everything that actually makes a relationship work. You take two different people with different personalities, preferences, goals, flaws, insecurities and so on, and make them live a life together. That takes a lot of effort even if they are very compatible. Magical movie love stories do not exist. I can guarantee you that even if an attractive girl magically became your girlfriend and wanted to fuck you every day, you'd want to run away from her in three months if she had an incompatible personality.
I'm a shy and awkward girl, so meeting a guy of the same caliber would be great. the problem is when both are shy then there is no action happening
would you really want a shy and awkward bf or someone more competent?
also do guys ever approach you?
Are you sure you're not just ugly? Are your standards too high? Cuz honestly, even when I was a fucking retarded 21 y.o. fresh out of college, no car, roommates, gamer dipshitass, I still got gfs once a year for a couple of months or so. And, it's pretty easy bagging a 5 or 6 once in a while.
they could still be competent even if they are shy. they do, just not the ones I want.
so how did you do it?
I'm a 5 myself, I'll approach pretty much any girl unless they are very overweight, though keep in mind my irl social skills are very bad
so you just want a shy bf not an awkward one?
and which type of guy do you want?
Try to be social and exposed anyway. Some girls think it's cute. The shy awkward angle got me 3 GFS in highschool, the third I dated for 5 years.
Current gf found it cute, too.
It's endearing to some chicks. They think they have you all flustered and tongue tied and it makes them feel affirmed. And people are attracted to people who make them feel good.
Im generally socially pretty good I just lose all my social skills when talking to pretty girls. It's worked out fine.
why are you so vague, just tell me what else in a relationship you need besides just hanging out
Extremely silly question; lest they're horrendous, most women just have to sit somewhere and exist to get attention. And, just like said, that's all they need to do (other than rejecting candidates) until someone they like waltzes in their life.
People constantly tell me that women are attracted to men without them acting, but I have never seen them take the initiative - I work with a 60+ people crew, I keep a career, I play a team sport and I go out at night from time to time. Yet, nada.
huh, I try to talk to girls too but they don't really see it as cute, Idk they just never really pay attention to me or see me as anything serious. Also, are you really attractive because that could make a big difference?
>why are you so vague, just tell me what else is there to being a surgeon besides cutting people open and sewing them up
I told you, this stuff is complicated. Just look at all the threads here about relationship problems. Crazies, cheating, "she doesn't love me anymore", all sorts of shit. Look at the people around you, they fight and break up all the time. Look at your parents. There's a good chance their relationship wasn't so good either if you're asking for advice here. Trust me, there is no quick and easy fix for you.
I grew into my body, I'm very attractive when I clean up (which I don't. I shower daily but I don't do a whole lot for appearance) but in highschool, no. Pizza faced, fat, short. Was called ugly on many occasions.. I had a unique sense of humour, so when I managed to stammer out a joke the girl who was into that humour would be taken aback, and I was also generally known as a nice guy, which removed creep vibes. Which is also a huge. If you're awkward you can't also be seen as creepy. It's all in the face and the impression. If you're dead eyed and just stand around people, you look like a murderer.
I've come across this way a lot, too. It's really hit and miss when you're shy and awkward. But it's also kind of the whole point I'm making here: somell hate it somell like it.
>I talk to girls
How though? Are you straight up approaching them at inappropriate times and just laying down awkward small talk or pickup lines? I had friends in general and was around the crowd and join conversations I knew I could keep up with.
I just say hi to them at like gatherings and other things that happen at college, I don't usually approach them its more like they are just around me and then I try to say something, I don't use pickup lines or anything like that though, I think that would just be even more awkward. I don't really have much friends either though so I dunno and group conversations don't really work for me at all.
Different fag who traced your conversation up and, yeah man. You have no idea how relationships work. And yeah it's complicated. So you eliminate the loneliness problem, then realise it isn't your once concern just something you fixed on. Then every other problem becomes amplified. Also turns out she's naggy, or you get bored with her, or annoyed by her and so on...
I'll leave you with a parable I'll water down for space:
A man walks into an apothecary looking for a love potion. He greets the owner, but his eye is caught by a clear potion in an ornate vial with a price of $10,000.
"What does this potion do!?" He asks.
The apothecary replies "this is the greatest poison known to man. It has no flavour, or odour. It kills the victim when they go to sleep after having taken it and leaves no trace any man can detect. It will look as though the victim died peacefully in their sleep. But enough about that, I'm sure you arent here for that. What can I help you with?"
"I'm looking for a love potion."
The apothecary smiles and retrieves a red potion from under the table.
"Ah yes, I have just what you desire. This potion will make any woman fall deeply madly in love with you. She will attend to your every desire. She will listen deeply to you. She will call you her best and only friend forever. If you should be unfaithful, she will not leave you or spite you, but she will be deeply hurt and saddened and only work harder to please you. She will comfort you when you are sad, and tend to you when you are sick. Should you die before her she will live as a chaste widow the rest of her days."
The man is pleased with what he hears. "Yes! This is true love. I must have it, I must have her! Surely this potion must be expensive but I will pay any price!"
Tl;Dr. You don't know what love is kid. You're fantasizing and overidealising. In more than just love one should never look to some out of reach thing as the solution to all their problems.
>I don't have many friends
That's kind of the start of it man. You kind of need a social life..
but no one likes me because I'm shy and awkward
Find your people. Go to a board game meetup or some shit with nerdy people. They're pretty open. And a lot of them aren't awkward.
yea I don't really fit in with the nerds maybe some of them, I don't really fit in with anyone actually, still trying and looking though but I have never in my life met "my people"
>just display your weaknesses, bro
Are you going to tell OP to cry in front of girls next?
Go strike up a conversation with a random worker at some supermarket or grocery store. Practice talking in general. Don't be afraid to.talk about anything you like because kek willing if things go well you will talk about everything anyways
Let's have one last post:
Guys, OP wants a magic wand solution to a problem he's clearly not willing to fix or even recognize.
Hey OP, unless you fix your awkwardness, you're not going to land a girl. Ever.
And you're too young or too dumb, but in either case
a) People have given you very useful advice to do so - the awkwardness goes away easier the more social contact you have
b) Love is way more complex than just hanging out. Anything that involves human relationships is. You'll get to find this if you actively try to socialize. Same applies for the girl.
Any recommendations of hobbies to get involved in to meet people?
I'm a 27 year old loser and at this point I would honestly appreciate even just having a circle of friends; a girlfriend can wait, if it'd be nice to lose my virginity now, I acknowledge that's still a few years off.
You sound too reliant on a girlfriend. You need to realize that even if you get a girl, you're probably going to lose her.
I'm 20 and my girlfriend of 5 years just left me 2 weeks ago. I expected to marry this girl lol, just realize that yeah you should try to get a relationship, but don't let your happiness revolve around only that person. You need to be comfortable with living in your own skin, this is something I'm trying to fix as well.
I'm lonely as fuck right now, almost scared I won't ever find another girl. But what I'm trying to do now is expand my social circles, dress nicer, hang out with people more, and just try to be happy without my ex. Then eventually, I'm going to try to approach cute girls the old fashion way because tinder isn't doing shit for me lol.
I wish you luck on your search, but again, don't let 100% of your happiness revolve around another person. Otherwise you will be a mess like me when you lose her.
im not a mess now and I have no gf
Doesn't sound like it. Or you don't want a gf.
I do want a gf really bad though. Does being an awkward loner count as a mess?
The only thing I worry about is my loneliness everything else in life I have figured out and am on a good path.
Hard to believe you want a gf when you do absolutely nothing that would get you one.
I go to social events and group activities and talk to girls when I have the chance. What else am I missing?
Dating apps? Really dont want to do that sorry.
Like i said though my shyness and awkwardness prevents me from successfully taking and i don't think thats going to change because its ingrained in me
So in other words you don't want to get a gf and instead you want excuses and validation for your whining.
No it's BS, don't be super direct with females and blurt out that you like them.
None of it actually matters.
Look, we males tend to think that females must be conquered; unfortunately though, that's bullshit.
Females are the one who choose, and will always be. When they choose, they communicate that clearly through body language.
Every women has different tastes in men; however, every women communicate similarly that they have chosen you. Therefore, what you definitely need to know is [spoiler]how to read body language[\spoiler]. Women are like children, once you know how to read them, and, once they're into you, you'll always have them on the palm of your hands. (And they love it)
Furthermore, for them to be into you, you need to improve your health, your charisma, and your wealth. IT'S A MUST.
F*ck spoiler tag, got wrong again!
What? Please explain more
>how do i get a gf
>Like this, or this, or this
>noooo i dont want to do anything that would get me a gf
Stop watching anime faggot and maybe you’ll get someone
>The chance of a girl saying yes to you asking her out in person is extremely high.
Yes but you mostly just get hopes up until she sends you message that she wont go anywhere with you. It happened to me everytime.
What am i not doing?, you guys just told me to not be awkward.
You told me to be more social also and im working on that
what does that have to do with it? My friend watches anime and he has a gf, so that advice doesn't really make sense
They are trying, user. At least it is not like my friends and family that will tell me to get a girlfriend and when asked how they just repeat that i should get girlfriend or tell me to message some random girl on facebook.
>The only thing I worry about is my loneliness everything else in life I have figured out and am on a good path.
No you haven't and no you are not. Several people here already told you that, yet you continue to disregard their advice. It is literally impossible for you to have your shit together while being so completely ignorant of how human relationships work. Educate yourself on that before anything else.
>Dating apps? Really dont want to do that sorry.
Why, because it might actually lead to something and you are deathly afraid of that? Of course it's easier to whine on a Siberian husky breeding forum than actually do something.
>my shyness and awkwardness prevents me from successfully taking and i don't think thats going to change because its ingrained in me
Boo hoo woe is me. This is victim mentality that leads to inceldom. Your awkwardness is a result of your life choices. You can fix it with enough effort, except you don't want to because it is hard work. Take some responsibility for your life bucko.
Why are you so vague tell me specifically how to fix my awkwardness and how relationships work or stop being so condescending
So far I have just been told to be more social, which I am working on. And about relationships people have just said "its complicated" and nothing else which doesn't help at all.
Also i don't use dating apps because that would just be weird im on a college campus there's girls all around me already, and i wouldn't want to date a girl who uses one.
It depends on the woman.
In high school I dated a woman where that was the case. All she wanted was to have sex and play video games. It was perfect until she wanted some thrills and flirted with guys online. This was fine, she was still only fucking me. She got crushes on my irl friends. This was fine, she didn't do anything with them. It was her withdrawing sex for a month and trying to meet up with a guy she met on WoW that forced the breakup. She didn't tell me about it, I caught her and asked her about it like "yeah, this guy I met last month is coming to visit overnight for 2 or 3 weeks, that's cool right, just don't come over while he's here" so I said fuck this and left.
Another woman and I had a good setup until "the conversation" happened like "are we bf/gf, what do you wanna do in the future, where do you want to move, how many kids will we have, who will be your best man at our wedding," etc. Totally fucked the dynamic.
More recently I had a nice long term relationship that was very intimate and loving, but was torn apart by various issues - mostly her not respecting my advice which led to her having money and status problems and me refusing to bail her out because we aren't married (why would I pay for your house when you were supposed to get one with me, etc.)
The older you get it the worse it becomes with divorcees and single moms and people with jobs that take them away from you for most of the time, etc. Had a girl we really hit it off but she worked afternoons I worked day shift so we'd only see each other when she got home at 11pm at night and I had to sleep by 1am to get in at 8am. Weekdsys were basically blown. Weekend days were good but no one wants to be a weekend-only girlfriend.
>tell me how to solve my problems
>just so I can ignore all those solutions
>i dont actually want to solve my problems
This is the only real advice in the thread.
And these things can't be bought directly.
But every woman has her threshold.
So are people in this thread saying i have to prepare for each and every one of these scenarios in order to have a relationship?
That doesn't make any sense to me, obviously conflict might arise but ill just deal with it as it comes
They are trying to warn you that it is odten more complicated than the simplistic dinner/drinks/sex view you posted earlier.
It's way WAY more complicated than can be described here. I pointed you at some reading in but you ignored it. Besides, you seem to want a quick and easy fix. My advice to you is along the lines of
>There are never any quick and easy fixes for anything worthwhile in life
Which is something you don't want to hear, so you're 95% likely to disregard it. Why should I bother writing a wall of text then?
>Also i don't use dating apps because that would just be weird im on a college campus there's girls all around me already, and i wouldn't want to date a girl who uses one.
Oh, so you will arbitrarily exclude a huge number of women just because they use a convenient tool for meeting people you wouldn't have met otherwise. Because you are too good for that or something. Your way of thinking about this is really fucked. You remind me of a Swedish autist who made threads very much like yours some time ago. Are you him again by any chance?
you don't have to write a wall of text just like bullet points would be fine.
I don't want a quick and easy fix I just want advice which for some reason you are refusing to give me, a post like this is really good because it's clear advice and theyre not messing with me and acting all superior and stuff.
So try again if you actually want to help me or just leave the thread I don't understand what youre trying to achieve being condescending and vague and assuming so many things about me.
Dude, it is not possible. You want a checklist or walkthrough for living your life. Such a thing cannot exist. The only way to learn is practice. You cannot make a checklist for interacting with people, they are way too complicated. It is precisely your unwillingness to accept this that is your main problem.
What says is indeed good advice, as I already said. I am not going to expand on that because that would be redundant. Instead I am telling you other important things to have in mind (God knows why, since apparently I'm wasting my time). How about you stop being so defensive and consider the possibility that people giving advice here understand this shit better than you and are genuinely trying to help you. I am not messing with you at all, every single word I wrote is in my opinion useful advice.
There is no way - we're all fucked. Normal people don't need to explicitly try to get into a relationship.