>Be me >Viking chieftan, Chad Chadernes >Just got done with a fun day with the boys, raping, pillaging, getting loot >Fellow viking named Incelymous comes up to me >Only midget warrior in the tribe >Too fucked up on mushrooms and mead to really care >"Uuuhmmm, hey, Chad?" >'Yes Incelymous?' >Notice how the sun reflects off his head, dude is like 25 Lunar rotations old lmfao >"I was just wondering, if there were any women in the village you hadn't bred with yet?" >Run down the list of women in the village in my head >'Nope, they all bear my seed.' >"What about Brumhilda?" >'Brumhilda?' >"Y-yeah. You know, the fishermans daughter." >wtf >'She's not even old enough to breed yet!' >"I know that! But there aren't any virgins left cause you keep taking them all! And every time we go on a raid, you've already taken all the women before I even get to them! It's not fair!" >Motherfucker went on one raid in his entire life, just sat in the boat the whole time reading picture tomes >'I can give you tips on raping and pillaging if you want.' >"NO! I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP! YOU JUST NEED TO STOP BEING SO GREEDY!" >Okaydolt.tome >Asks me if he can just pay the women to have sex with him instead >Tell him no
>Couple days go by >Catch a glimpse of Incelymous approaching a village woman, Bertha >Honestly not sure if Bertha is a woman, or just a bear wearing human skin, but we let her stay in the village >Got too drunk and bred her once out of boredom >Incelymous talks to her for a bit >Honestly didn't think he had the stones to talk to a woman, feeling really proud of him >See him pull a handful of coins out of his purse and thrust them at her >About to unleash the fury of Odin on this motherfucker >Bertha starts laughing >Her laugh sounds like a Thordamned avalanche, and she can't control it >The village quakes with her laughter >Watch Incelymous slowly slink away, tears streaming down his cheeks MFW
>Incelymous comes up to me again a couple sun cycles later >Tells me all about how he's sick of my shit, blah blah blah >Pretty sure he said something about how he heard about a foreign country where the women are infatuated with Vikings >Whatever, give him a shitty rowboat and tell him to go ahead >Realize after he leaves that if he actually suceeds and brings back some half-nord kid he's gonna be made cause I won't let his kid breed >Whatever, not like he's gonna do anything about it >Almost an entire moon cycle goes by >See Incelymous's row boat washed up on shore >There's a visible trail going from his boat, looks like he was dragging something >Follow it for shits and giggles >Trails leads up to a cave in the mountains >As I draw closer to the cave, I notice discarded chicken bones fucking everywhere >Some strange beast must be lurking about, draw my trusty ax >Enter the cave mouth >Only light is one fucking candle, but the horrors beyond the mouth of the cave still haunt me
>See Incelymous hunched over a large sack of potatoes, furiously thrusting into it >No, it's not just one potato sack, it's multiple, all strung together to look like a human >Huge oversized eyes drawn onto the face with charcoal >See my old alcohol jugs I'd been looking for strewn about the cave leaking some strange green liquid >Inappropriate drawings adorn the caves walls >He sees me >Lets out a fucking inhuman cry that pierces my ears >I'm too shocked to even go berserker on his ass >The strangest part, is that he seems to be wearing the ears of some kind of dead animal, and he's dressed like a woman >Suddenly a pigeon comes flying into the room, and lands on the floor >Somethings tied to it's leg >"NO! DON'T--" >I swipe the note off the pigeons leg and open it before he can speak >He tries to charge me, but trips over his dress >Skim over the note >It's talking about how Christendom was the best thing to ever happen to us, and how we need to preserve the Nordic race >MFW
>See Incelymous one day >Literally cannot look him in the eyes anymore >Notice something odd though >Is he... Muscular? >Always been a lard ass, but it seems like he's shed some of his fat finally >Decide to stalk him one day after I get done with my daily dose of rape and pillage with the boys >Incelymous goes out into the field, and lifts millstones all day >Watched him train nonstop for almost an entire day >Perfect form, and he's actually lifting quite a bit >Maybe I'll invite him to go rape and pillage with us sometime
>A few sun cycles later >See Incelymous approach Brumhilda >She's a little bit older now, so it's not too creepy I guess >Get my ax ready just in case >Eavesdrop on their conversation >Brumhilda suggests they go into the forest alone >Incelymous has finally done it, what a lad >"Actually, going into the forest alone is just basically asking for the Gods to smite you, that's their territory." >What what >See Brumhilda suggest they find somewhere more private like the granary >Incelymous still has a-- >"We're not supposed to go in there though, only the rationer is supposed to go in." >I swear a witch must have cast a spell of retardation on the man >Brumhilda awkwardly makes an excuse and walks away
>See Incelymous at the tavern later on, downing mead left and right >Try to cheer him up >'Don't worry, Lad. I've lost my chance at breeding plenty of times! You just have to learn to control your tongue a bit! Joden didn't breed Brumhilda the first time he tried either.' >"Joden... Bred Brumhilda?" >'Aye, not just Joden, but also Woden, and Snoden, and--' >Incelymous lets out an inhuman shriek >Must have been a spell of ear piercing >He runs out of the tavern, tears streaming down his face >Couple sun cycles later, find a tome in the middle of the village >Literally over two hundred sheets of paper detailing why women are whores
