>Be me >Viking chieftan, Chad Chadernes >Just got done with a fun day with the boys, raping, pillaging, getting loot >Fellow viking named Incelymous comes up to me >Only midget warrior in the tribe >Too fucked up on mushrooms and mead to really care >"Uuuhmmm, hey, Chad?" >'Yes Incelymous?' >Notice how the sun reflects off his head, dude is like 25 Lunar rotations old lmfao >"I was just wondering, if there were any women in the village you hadn't bred with yet?" >Run down the list of women in the village in my head >'Nope, they all bear my seed.' >"What about Brumhilda?" >'Brumhilda?' >"Y-yeah. You know, the fishermans daughter." >wtf >'She's not even old enough to breed yet!' >"I know that! But there aren't any virgins left cause you keep taking them all! And every time we go on a raid, you've already taken all the women before I even get to them! It's not fair!" >Motherfucker went on one raid in his entire life, just sat in the boat the whole time reading picture tomes >'I can give you tips on raping and pillaging if you want.' >"NO! I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP! YOU JUST NEED TO STOP BEING SO GREEDY!" >Okaydolt.tome >Asks me if he can just pay the women to have sex with him instead >Tell him no
>Couple days go by >Catch a glimpse of Incelymous approaching a village woman, Bertha >Honestly not sure if Bertha is a woman, or just a bear wearing human skin, but we let her stay in the village >Got too drunk and bred her once out of boredom >Incelymous talks to her for a bit >Honestly didn't think he had the stones to talk to a woman, feeling really proud of him >See him pull a handful of coins out of his purse and thrust them at her >About to unleash the fury of Odin on this motherfucker >Bertha starts laughing >Her laugh sounds like a Thordamned avalanche, and she can't control it >The village quakes with her laughter >Watch Incelymous slowly slink away, tears streaming down his cheeks MFW
>Incelymous comes up to me again a couple sun cycles later >Tells me all about how he's sick of my shit, blah blah blah >Pretty sure he said something about how he heard about a foreign country where the women are infatuated with Vikings >Whatever, give him a shitty rowboat and tell him to go ahead >Realize after he leaves that if he actually suceeds and brings back some half-nord kid he's gonna be made cause I won't let his kid breed >Whatever, not like he's gonna do anything about it >Almost an entire moon cycle goes by >See Incelymous's row boat washed up on shore >There's a visible trail going from his boat, looks like he was dragging something >Follow it for shits and giggles >Trails leads up to a cave in the mountains >As I draw closer to the cave, I notice discarded chicken bones fucking everywhere >Some strange beast must be lurking about, draw my trusty ax >Enter the cave mouth >Only light is one fucking candle, but the horrors beyond the mouth of the cave still haunt me
>See Incelymous hunched over a large sack of potatoes, furiously thrusting into it >No, it's not just one potato sack, it's multiple, all strung together to look like a human >Huge oversized eyes drawn onto the face with charcoal >See my old alcohol jugs I'd been looking for strewn about the cave leaking some strange green liquid >Inappropriate drawings adorn the caves walls >He sees me >Lets out a fucking inhuman cry that pierces my ears >I'm too shocked to even go berserker on his ass >The strangest part, is that he seems to be wearing the ears of some kind of dead animal, and he's dressed like a woman >Suddenly a pigeon comes flying into the room, and lands on the floor >Somethings tied to it's leg >"NO! DON'T--" >I swipe the note off the pigeons leg and open it before he can speak >He tries to charge me, but trips over his dress >Skim over the note >It's talking about how Christendom was the best thing to ever happen to us, and how we need to preserve the Nordic race >MFW
>See Incelymous one day >Literally cannot look him in the eyes anymore >Notice something odd though >Is he... Muscular? >Always been a lard ass, but it seems like he's shed some of his fat finally >Decide to stalk him one day after I get done with my daily dose of rape and pillage with the boys >Incelymous goes out into the field, and lifts millstones all day >Watched him train nonstop for almost an entire day >Perfect form, and he's actually lifting quite a bit >Maybe I'll invite him to go rape and pillage with us sometime
>A few sun cycles later >See Incelymous approach Brumhilda >She's a little bit older now, so it's not too creepy I guess >Get my ax ready just in case >Eavesdrop on their conversation >Brumhilda suggests they go into the forest alone >Incelymous has finally done it, what a lad >"Actually, going into the forest alone is just basically asking for the Gods to smite you, that's their territory." >What what >See Brumhilda suggest they find somewhere more private like the granary >Incelymous still has a-- >"We're not supposed to go in there though, only the rationer is supposed to go in." >I swear a witch must have cast a spell of retardation on the man >Brumhilda awkwardly makes an excuse and walks away
>See Incelymous at the tavern later on, downing mead left and right >Try to cheer him up >'Don't worry, Lad. I've lost my chance at breeding plenty of times! You just have to learn to control your tongue a bit! Joden didn't breed Brumhilda the first time he tried either.' >"Joden... Bred Brumhilda?" >'Aye, not just Joden, but also Woden, and Snoden, and--' >Incelymous lets out an inhuman shriek >Must have been a spell of ear piercing >He runs out of the tavern, tears streaming down his face >Couple sun cycles later, find a tome in the middle of the village >Literally over two hundred sheets of paper detailing why women are whores
>Chilling and pillaging one day >Merchant ship comes into town, tons of slaves and shit to trade >Merchant is kind of creepy, he looks like a raven and won't stop rubbing his hands, but whatever >Buy slaves from him, they do good, they're really strong >Merchant keeps coming back, but stops selling slaves, he sets up shop in the village >Take a loan from him every now and then when I don't get enough coin from pillaging >Incelymous keeps ranting about how he's trying to destroy our race and shit, tell Incelymous to shut the hel up.
>Many moon rotations pass >Merchant tells us his family is a little uncomfortable with all our chanting and animal sacrifices >No problem merchant-bro >We tone it down a bit >Merchant tells us that he feels bad for the slaves he sold, wants to make things right >I'm a little apprehensive, but hey, we don't really NEED the slaves, why not let them pillage with the rest of us? >Slaves are fantastic warriors, they're naturals at raping and pillaging >Maybe a little bit too good >They start raping and pillaging our town >Tell the merchant that I respect him, but I think I'm going to take my slaves back >Merchant says it's no different from when we get rowdy >Sure, whatever
>Brumhilda has been pregnant for a bit now, finally bears a son >The son... Looks like a slave >Joden is furious, goes Berserk, kills like twenty darks >Merchant reads us the riot act on how it's "Inhumane to treat them like that" and "Just raise the son as your own" >Joden doesn't agree, we banish him from the village >I wed Brumhilda raise the kid like my own for the sake of Merchant-bro >Not gonna lie, the kid looks like an orc, but hey, he'll make a fine warrior!
HOLY SHIT, INCELYMOUS WAS RIGHT! THIS IS EXACTLY WHATS HAPPENING RN!
Grayson Reed
>Many lunar rotations pass >Kid does not make a fine warrior >Make up some excuse about how the Gods don't want me to be with Brumhilda, and ditch her >Merchant bro is basically chief of the village, just because he owns most of our coins at this point >Not allowed to rape and pillage anymore, since it's unethical. But anything for merchant-bro. >Town is huge, I get to remarry and have tons of kids >Incelymous won't stop ranting about how evil merchant-bro is, goes to the town square every. fucking. day. >Everyone collectively just ignores him >The halflings are kind of cool I guess, never really showed much interest in raping and pillaging outside of our own village though >Halflings like to tap drums and do fast chants too, so it's almost Nordic? Right?
>Incelymous comes up to me one day >Odins beard he's old and scraggly looking >I crack open a jug of purified wolf's blood, and listen to him >Something about our race being endangered, and how our culture is being destroyed >"Soon there won't be any purebred vikings left!" >Point out the fact that Incelymous is half Dutch himself >Point out the fact that I have nine children who are purely comprised of my ancestors seed >Incelymous does his stupid shrieking spell, but my ears aren't what they used to be, I can barely hear it >Incelymous storms away angrily
>Be me >Year is 2019 >Swede kid, family immigrated to America a long time ago >It's pretty cool I guess, kind of wish I lived in the middle ages where I could rape and pillage though >Still, plenty of videogames to play about vikings, I listen to death metal all the time, so I'm basically a viking right? >One day, my dad dies >He was always really proud of our heritage, made sure to marry a Swedish woman to keep the lineage going >Digging through some of his old things >Lots of artifacts and relics from our ancestors >Find something odd >It's a jug, with a few words scrawled on it, looks like they were written in charcoal >Tears of Incelymous >All the artifacts my dad has have been passed down through our family for generations >Think of my dad, think of my ancestors >Think about my Swedish GF here in the states, and how my kids will have that heritage to enjoy as well >I smile, get a little bit choked up thinking of my dad >I pop the cork off of the jug, and raise it high >"This ones for you dad. Hope we can drink together again in Valhalla." >Whatever's in the jug is probably worth a lot of money or some shit, but I don't care, I just want a spiritual moment with my ancestors >Drink from it >The sweet yet salty liquid goes smoothly down my throat. It tastes delicious.
