The Gospel according to OP

Behold Jow Forums: for I shall present to you the tale of the greatest life ever lived.

The birth of John Moses Browning

1 The birth of John Moses Browning was on this wise: When as his mother Elizabith was espoused to Jonathan, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost of Steel.
2 Then, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, Jonathan, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Elizabith thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is the son of the Holy Ghost.
3 And she shall bring forth a son, and though shalt call his name JOHN: for he shall save people from their sins.

The coming of the wise men

2 Now then John was born in Utah in the days of Feinstein the King, behold, there came wise men from the east of Jerusalem.
2 And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Elizabith his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts: lead, black powder and walnut.
3 And being warned of God in a dream that they should not return to Feinstein, they departed into their own country another way.

The temptation in the wilderness

3 Then was John led up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the devil.
2 And when the tempter came to him, he said, if thou be the son of God, command that these stones be made aircraft grade aluminum and plastic: for they shall offer you the highest speed and lowest drag thereon.
3 Then saith John unto him, Get thee hence, James Yeager: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Steel, and it only shalt you serve.
4 For Angels of God then came down from the heavens and ministered upon him.

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John calls his disciples

4 And John, walking by the Land of the Burger, saw two brethren, Samuel Colt, and Eugene Stoner.
2 And going on to the Land of the Leaf from thence, he saw another brethren, Jean Garand. And going on to the Land of the Blyat, he saw two other brethren, Mikhail Kalashnikov, and Sergei Simonov. Lastly, he went on to the Land of the Roaches where he found another brethren, Paul Mauser.
3 And he saith unto them, Follow me, and I will make ye builders of wonders.
4 And John went about all the Land, teaching at the shooting ranges and preaching at the LGS.
5 And there followed him great multitudes of people.

The Beatitudes

5 And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him:
2 And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,
3 Blessed are the poorfags: for they see value in everything.
4 Blessed are the autists: for milsurp is theirs to hoard.
5 Blessed are the battle rifle enthusiasts: for they have most agreeable taste in calibers.
6 Blessed are the hasguns europeans: for they inhabit the last bastions of righteousness.
7 Blessed are the shotgun enthusiasts: for they actually enjoy shooting.
8 Blessed are the Rhodesians: for they have waged war against the whole world for their beliefs and short shorts.
9 Blessed are the French: for they have been great warriors most of their time, only to be ridiculed forevermore by the uneducated masses from a Land which merely sat away from danger.
10 Blessed are the Czechs: for they make most agreeable firearm designs and porn.
11 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
12 Blessed are ye, when soccer moms and fudds shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
13 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

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Miracles

6 For John created a great many miracles throughout his life, with whom the Holy Ghost was most pleased.
1 From his hands were borne the Winchester 1887, and the Winchester 1897, and the Winchester 1894, and the Model 8, and the Auto-5, and the Hi-Power, and the 1911, and the BAR, and the M1917, and the M1919, and the M2, among others.
2 And any follower of the Steel shall own at least one of John's miraculous designs, lest he causeth great offense and risketh be cast upon the fires of California.
3 And for years in the land of Israel went about John and his disciples.
4 Then behold, there came forth Tyronius and his band of thieves seeking harm upon John and his righteous flock.
5 For John forsook not his companions, and called upon the Lord to assist them.
6 Lo, thereafter like Angels came down from the heavens multitudes of firearms of all makes and creeds. John thereon called upon the Angels to dispense justice and so they did.
7 The first thief, hit with .22 LR, dropped dead instantly: for the bullet bounced around inside his head and caused great damage.
8 The second thief, hit with .45 ACP, was cast down upon the depths of Earth never to be seen again: for the stopping power was too much for a mere man.
9 The third thief, hit by .50 BMG, was dismembered: for the bullet hath missed him but the blast doth smote him with exceeding force.
10 The fourth thief, hit by 9mm, was unharmed: for he fled right away.
11 The fourth thief, hit by .223 and 7.62x39, was merely wounded: for he hath to be carried away by the remainder of his fellowship.
12 The band of thieves then was gone hence, for John and his followers were safe and sound thanks to the Grace of the Holy Spirit.

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The test of false prophets

7 Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves.
2 ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes or thorns, or figs of thistles?
3 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit: but a corrupt tree bringeth forth forgotten weapons and french rifles.
4 And it shall be known that multitudes followeth another corrupt tree called the kube of slaying: for it is idolatry.
5 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the eternal flames of California.

John foretells his death

8 And John going up to Jerusalem took the six disciples apart in the way, and said unto them,
2 Behold, we go up to Jerusalem: and the Son of man shall be betrayed unto the chief cowadoodites and the mallninjites, and they shall condemn him to death,
3 And shall deliver him to the Noguns to mock, and to scourge, and to kill him.

Cleansing of the temple

9 And John went into the temple of Steel, and cast out all them that trifled about politics.
2 And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of weapons: but ye have made it a den of morons.
3 And the triflers replied, kike shill cuck kys, and finally departed from the holy house.

The plot to kill John

10 And it came to pass, when John had finished all these sayings, he said unto his disciples,
2 Ye know that after two days is the feast of the range trip, and the Son of man is betrayed.
3 Then assembled together the chief cowadoodites, and the mallninjites, and the Noguns of the people, unto the palace of the high priest, who was called Gaston Glock.
4 And consulted that they might take John by subtilty, and kill him.

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The bargain of Eugene Stoner

11 Then one of the six, called Eugene Stoner, went unto the chief cowadoodites.
2 And said unto them, What will ye give me, and I will deliver him unto you? And they covenanted with him for an ACOG, a forward assist and a quad rail.
3 And from that time he sought opportunity to betray him.
4 And while John yet spake, lo, Eugene, one of the six, came, and with him a great multitude of katanas and Gucci ARs, from the chief cowadoodites and mallninjites.
5 And they that had laid hold on John led him away to Gaston Glock the high priest.
6 Then the high priest rent his 5.11 clothes, saying, He hath spoken blasphemy; what further need have we of witnesses? behold, now ye have heard this blasphemy.
7 What think ye? They answered and said, He is guilty of death.

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John before Paul Harrell

12 And John stood before the governor: and the governor asked him, saying, Art thou the King of the Weapons? And John said unto him, Thou sayest.
2 And they had then a notable prisoner, called Will Hayden, who hath neva been done befo.
3 Therefore when they were gathered together, Harrell said unto them, Whom will ye that I release unto you? Will Hayden, or John which is called Browning?
4 For he knew that for molestation Chris Hansen had delivered him.
5 The governor answered and said unto them, Whether of the twain will ye that I release unto you? They said, Hayden.
6 Harrell saith unto them, What shall I do then with John? They all say unto him, Let him be killed.
7 And the governor said, Why, what evil hath he done? But they cried out the more, saying, Let him be killed.
8 When Harrell saw that he could prevail nothing, but that rather a tumult was made, he took water, and washed his hands before the multitude, saying, I am innocent of the blood of this just person: you be the judge.
9 Then answered all the people, and said, His blood be on us, and on our children.
10 Then released he Hayden unto them: and when he had scourged John, he delivered him to be killed.
11 Then the soldiers of the governor took John into the common hall, and gathered unto him the whole band of soldiers.
12 And in his holster the soldiers lay a Glock 20, and saith to John, until thy death thou shalt carry it.
13 And about his life went John, until the next day his raiment caught upon the pistol's trigger which was devoid of a manual safety for some reason, and a 10mm bullet smote his manhood.
14 And John bled out, and Angels came down from the heavens to carry him up to rejoin his Father the Holy Ghost.

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I feel like I deserve one or two (You)s for this.

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You earned a (you) for effort user.

Thank you senpai

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