Retarded armed forces around the world

That's what you get for relying on conscription, redarts.

Conscripts don't sit in the MOD, dumbass

there's more.
I'm just too fucking depressed to write about all of it
anyway:
>be administering shitloads of properties for the armed forces
>start selling them to your friends not in the military, for next to nothing
>lease the same properties back, while paying astronomical prices

The most amazing thing about the Norwegian armed forces, is that even with all that mismanagement of funds, we're still not meeting NATO's 2% of GDP demand.

and now for a change, it's not corruption this time:

>environmentalism is all the rage
>armed forces decide to go green
>"you know, all that lead in the bullets must be bad for the environment"
>start implementing "environmental ammunition"
>no lead, just steel
>it sucks
>MG-3s start blowing up, so they go back to normal ammunition for them after a couple injured conscripts
>other guns wear out way too fast because of it
>25 000 HK-416s have to be repaired (keep in mind, this is practically the entire Norwegian armed forces, we're really small)
>no problem, because we're actually not going to fight any war anyway
>conscripts start getting sick
>a lot of them get sick
>and the one thing they all have in common, is they've been shooting with "environmental ammunition" lately
>turns out they all got metal fever, because the alloy in the environmental ammunition couldn't take the pressures during firing, and burnt zinc and copper got in the conscripts' lungs
>finally go back to lead ammunition

00:46
Does he say
"echo på skjermen her"

Don’t worry OP, every country’s military has stories of retard-level incompetence.
>Mexico
>SEDENA (Secratariat of National Defense) commissions design of new MRAP-style armored vehicle
>build vehicle on Ford chassis
>Ford chassis is not designed to be as top heavy as it is
>for 2 years many soldiers sitting on the turret die when their vehicles flip over while making fast, sharp turns
>SEDENA has to pull every vehicle from service
>SEDENA has to redesign the vehicles and start production again
It’s fine now, but it’s hard to believe the retards didn’t think about it first. That or they got a bribe to build on that chassis.

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and it's not just the top brass, the politicians, and the professional either:

>2011, Royal guard, Oslo
>decide to have an exercise, but don't tell the conscripts that there's an exercise beforehand
>raise the alarm
>soldiers think it's real (as is the exercise's intention)
>some hide under their beds
>others run away and try climbing the fences to get away
>others ignore the alarm
>some hide in the bathroom
>while some refuse to equip themselves

It's all rather embarrassing really.

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every country has some of these stories, this is true.

But keep in mind how small Norway is. And how small our armed forces are. It shouldn't be possible to have THIS many fucked up stories, when there's that few people involved.

We make arabs look like fucking Prussians in comparison.

i saw something about the australian army starting a huge forest fire that took several weeks to put out
also recall seeing something in the news paper some recruits fucked up like 2mil worth of equipment think it was a tank or something they lit on fire by accident

i think the fire burnt down alot of houses too

>this thread
Only the United States should be allowed to have a military, the rest of you are too stupid to have one.

australian military incompetence is rarely talked about due to the way the government works. fuck ups simply do not happen in australia, and if they do happen they didn't happen so they aren't talked about.

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>Be Russia
>Decide to try out that fancy new nuclear power stuff in your submarines
The rest is history

Sure sounds like it.

As a Swede this made me laugh.

On the other posts it seems our brother nations are retarded in the same ways when it comes to managing the armed forces.

I love you Norway

>implying the US is any better

>OH-58
>decent little 4 seat helicopter
>let's load the fuck out of it with weapons/cameras/computers without doing shit for the engine and transmission
>full fuel and ammo, 2 light pilots, already over gross weight
>try multiple times to replace it, shut down AIT to implement new ARH program just to scrap it
>years later, decide to just use some older Apaches in the role

Fires go out of control really easily in Australia. Not really incompetence.
Black Saturday, Ash Wednesday; fires kill most out of all natural disasters as I recall it.

Most of Norwegian surplus Bv206's have ended up in Finland. This where we can get into the bad joke that is Sisu-Nasu. Originally that was meant to be bv-206 with diesel engine Haggluns refused deliver, with two extra seats in rear car. Originally meant to powered with same GM engine as Humvee, that wasn't really available as US needed all those engines for humvees. At least fpr first batch. It lacks roll over prevention shit that was actually patented by swedes.

Ironically where the sale of US fighters to US user will end with Pentagon. Just saying, but US company trying to buy 'em was owned by guy who had pissed off both republican and democratic parties.

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To be fair, starting a fire in Australia is easier than offending a leftist.

I've only seen one forest fire personally. In western Norway. And this was also caused by our armed forces fucking up again.

I'm actually more impressed than disappointed by this though. Western Norway is constantly wet, and the area that burned didn't have much wind, because of the mountains. And they still managed to burn down an entire mountainside.

The FSK/HJK is quite respected amongst special forces though.

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Some of that doesn't sound retarded, it sounds illegal.

That picture made me fail no nut November.

austria gets a honorable mention

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nm229 was replaced with nm255, not ss109

>be us navy
>Get BTFOd by a tanker

Yeah, but 40 competent guys don't make up for the incompetence in every other area of our armed forces.

Thing is, the Norwegian armed forces do one thing well: they're adept at media relations. So every Norwegian will hear about our special forces, and how great they are, through all the media outlets. Which in turn makes a lot of us think the rest of our armed forces are great too, and at the few, if any areas where they're not great, it's because of lack of funds, and therefore the fault of politicians.

Don't get me wrong, the politicians are just as bad, or even worse, when it comes to decisions regarding our armed forces.

This sounds like a fuckup. All the Norwegian stories sound like a culture of corruption at best, or an organization built around complete and total ineptitude. I'm guessing it's more the former than the latter.

>Some of that doesn't sound retarded, it sounds illegal.

well, yeah. The Nigeria boat-guy got sentenced to four years and 8 months in prison last month. Getting four years in prison in Norway, without murdering someone, is a very rare thing. Even murdering someone can get you less time here.

But anyway. You only have to serve 2/3 of your sentence here. So he'll be out in 3 years. Not up for parole, not probation. Out.

Jesus norway, I'm sad to hear you guys have it bad too. I thought for sure we had it by far the worst compared to our neighboring countries.

Also. Regarding those frigates we now have only four of:
>too expensive to build in Norway
>let the spaniards do it
>production delayed
>they eventually gets produced, extremely delayed
>but now we have five frigates
>still no helicopters for them
>forget about doing any maintenance
>turns out ships need maintenance
>they also need spare parts
>totally forgot they need spare parts
>maintenance is expensive, so outsource it to a private company (starting to sense a trend here?)
>turns out that just makes it more expensive
>start cannibalizing frigates, to keep others operational
>the cannibalization starts before the last ship is delivered
>out of five frigates, only 1-2 are operational at any given time.
>while the rest are either cannibalized, or docked up, waiting for maintenance
>then we lost one of the operational ships

We're not alone when it comes to cannibalization for parts. Russia do that too. But they do it with already old as fuck ships, ready for the scrapyard, we do it with brand new ships.

Our recruitment ads look nice though.

It is now a goal of mine to have a dedicated Winter PTR-91.

TWELVE battles of the Isonzo

>be Russia
>invade country
>get sanctioned
fugg

This incident in particular was retarded and a smear on the reputation of the US Navy

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>be NATO/US mutts
>NATO/US mutt navy sinks
>NATO/US mutt navy cracks
>NATO/US mutt navy sinks
>NATO/US mutt navy cracks
>NATO/US mutt navy sinks
>HAHAHA LE CHINA QUALITY LOL CHINA BOAT WILL SINK BECAUSE CHINA QUALITY!
>doesnt fail at all
>NATO/US mutt navy sinks
>NATO/US mutt navy cracks
>NATO/US mutt navy sinks
>NATO/US mutt navy cracks
>HAHAHA LE RUSSIAN QUALITY! LOL RUSSIAN BOAT SUNK LOL RUSSIA
>NATO/US mutt navy sinks
>NATO/US mutt navy cracks
>NATO/US mutt navy sinks
>NATO/US mutt navy cracks
>NATO/US mutt navy sinks
>HAHAHA LE CHINA QUALITY LOL CHINA BOAT WILL SINK BECAUSE CHINA QUALITY!
>doesnt fail at all
>NATO/US mutt navy sinks
>NATO/US mutt navy cracks
>NATO/US mutt navy sinks
>NATO/US mutt navy cracks

It didn't look good, but what was the alternative? Opening fire on the Iranians? The American boat broke down and drifted into their water. They were picked up, questioned, and released. The only thing I think that was insulting was the female crew member had to cover her head, but that's how they live over there and there wasn't much room to reject what they wanted if there was to be release with little incident.

Philippines
>Dutercuck wants to be LE EBIN NEUTRAL MAN.
>Furthermor Dutercuck & gang got bootyblasted by western criticism of his admin.
>So he memed a lot during the first few years of his admin that he's going to get the Top Shit.
>From Russia & China.
>Fucking China, whom the Philippines has a territorial spat with.

>Chinks & Ivan gives Flipland stuff. Except not the cool shit Dutertcuck harped about.
>Its mostly small arms.
>The Armed Forces of the Philippines have absolutely nothing to do about said equipment because most of the shit they use is NATO so they fob it to police.
>A fucking shipment of 1960s Steel Helmets was involved at one point.

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this is where you make an example by putting the deserters in front of a firing squad for cowardice

>a meter + of gun in front of the mag
>rds
why?

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bundeswehr did the same.

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Got to say even the Bundeswehr looks good in comparison.

>Be German Airforce.
>Need new fighter/ interceptor because scary russian bears.
>See F104 Starfighter. Its really good at intercepting.
>decide to buy it
>suddently realise you also need a ground attack aircraft, tatical bomber because of nato
>load up a high wingload, high speed interceptor with heavy bombs and fueltanks
>run it at low altitude and low speed with high load
> rush pilot training
>loose 30% of aircraft in peace time.
>turns out they got bribed by LM

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In all honesty, the Mirage would have been the better fighter for the Germans and would have saved the lifes of many pilots.
The Starfighter was only good as high-speed/high-altitude interceptor while the Mirage III was better suited in all other roles and only marginally slower.

not being conciliatory towards the people laughing at you, for one. The incident was used as propaganda in Iran while our amazing administration lauded their kindness for releasing people that hadn't even intended to cross into their waters and the clear progress this marked in our relationship. The whole point of maintaining the ability to bomb shitholes into the stone age is the assumption that shitholes will treat you somewhat differently due to that fact

well. Originally it was only bought as an intercepter. But due tue financial constraints it was forced into a role it was never designed to fullfill. Mirrage would have been way better in the role it was ultimatly pressed in. However the delta wing could have been a problem at low speeds aswell. I think at that point dedicated jets for a ground and intercepting role would have been needed.

They were released, I’m not sure what you expected the Iranians to do

Look up Project 100,000 aka McNamara's Moron's
During the 60's when they desperately needed more troops for Vietnam and the draft was being dodged by everyone from NFL stars to Trump, they needed warm bodies. So basically the IQ absolute of 80 was dropped- along with minor physical ailments and other weight issues.
You could literally end up being deployed with potatoes

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That was absolutely embarrassing holy shit.

>Diss the previous administration for expensive arms deals (which was worth it).
>HURR RUSSIA WILL GIBE ME COOL STUFF.
>Its a bunch of AKs, old fucking trucks, and steel helmets.

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Be Bundeswehr
>decide as a politial move to transform the bundeswehr away from mandatory service to a professional army
>rush transitioning
>downsize way to quickly and slash military spending
>At the same time do more international action.
>neglect maintanance, stop pecurement of new hardware, Try to minimize costs.
>do not stock spare parts.
>America will do the work for us
>Purge Bundeswehr because of 1 rightwing extremest dude
>ruin all soldier relations
>guy who is warning about the state of the armed forces gets fired
> complain about g36 accuracy, loose lawsuit
> no subs operational because no spare parts
> A400 way over buget not operational
> Puma severe readyness rates and QC
> Drone project canceled because it cant get qualifications to fly in germany. Rent drones from Isreal.
>spend money instead on new uniforms for pregnant women.

there are so many more examples to list. Personally i know 4 guys who left because the climate went beyond bad.

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>meanwhile Taiwan is getting F-16Vs and attack helicopters
>meanwhile Australia is getting F-35s, EA-18Gs, Poseidons and SM-6 equipped destroyers
kek

The Luftwaffe had more than 900 Starfighters - for sure they could have reduced the number of interceptors and put a dedicated bomber/ground attack jet in service.
I've read that besides bribes the USA promised the German MoD access to nuclear weapons which the French were not willing to do - so they bought Starfighters.

>I will never surrender of my own free will. If in command, I will never surrender the members of my command while they still have the means to resist.

I nominate Egypt and their Unit 777

You alright there Chang?

Ural 4320, for when you need a whole platoon IED'd into orbit with the least effort on behalf of the enemy

yeah americans really wanted more nuclear weapons in geramany for faster response times. and as a strong deturrent against russia. Especially tactial nukes to fight off the russians crossing the border. I grew up in the Fulda gap. Its amazing that im not a glowing zombi. During the cold war you could hear the deers walking into the east german landmines. Sometimes you would drive over manhole covers. In wartime they would house nuclear mines to destroy the tanks rolling west.

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I nominate the USS Vincennes
> be brand new guided missile cruiser
> having fun in the Persian Gulf
> pick up plane on radar coming from an Iranian airport
> transponder of plane indicate it's a civilian airliner, flying in a commercial air corridor
> my combat system tells me the plane is climbing and squawking civilian Mode III frequency
> nevertheless shit my pants, assume it's an Iranian F-14 in an attack dive and fire SM-2
> shoot down plane, kill 290 civilians
> US denies any wrongdoing but pays 60 mil. 8 years afterwards
> Vincennes crew gets awarded ribbons and medals

you forgot
>repeatedly call out the plane on military frequencies using ground speeds without clarifying that you're using ground speeds
>skip over commercial airline planning listing containing a civilian aircraft scheduled to fly at that altitude at that speed at that time because "lol too dark"

Off topic....But how are those sand niggers treating you guys these days?

did you ever hear the tale of the russain sub fleets?

K-8, 1960: suffered a loss-of-coolant accident; substantial radioactivity released.
K-14, 1961: the reactor compartment was replaced due to unspecified "breakdown of reactor protection systems".
K-19, 1961: suffered a loss-of-coolant accident resulting in 8 deaths and more than 30 other people being over-exposed to radiation.
K-11, 1965: both reactors were damaged during refueling while lifting the reactor vessel heads; reactor compartments scuttled off the east coast of Novaya Zemlya in the Kara Sea in 1966.
K-27, 1968: experienced reactor core damage to one of its liquid metal (lead-bismuth) cooled VT-1 reactors, resulting in 9 fatalities and 83 other injuries; scuttled in the Kara Sea in 1982.
K-140, 1968: the reactor was damaged following an uncontrolled, automatic increase in power during shipyard work.
K-429, 1970: an uncontrolled start-up of the ship's reactor led to a fire and the release of radioactivity
K-116, 1970: suffered a loss-of-coolant accident in the port reactor; substantial radioactivity released.
K-64, 1972: the first Alfa-class liquid-metal cooled reactor failed; reactor compartment scrapped.
K-222, 1980: the Papa-class submarine had a reactor accident during maintenance in the shipyard while the ship's naval crew had left for lunch.
K-123, 1982: the Alfa-class submarine reactor core damaged by liquid-metal coolant leak; the sub was forced out of commission for eight years.
K-431, 1985: a reactor accident while refueling resulted in 10 fatalities and 49 other people suffered radiation injuries
K-219, 1986: suffered an explosion and fire in a missile tube, eventually leading to a reactor accident; a 20-year-old enlisted seaman, Sergei Preminin, sacrificed his life to secure one of the onboard reactors. The submarine sank three days later.
K-192, 1989 (reclassified from K-131): suffered a loss-of-coolant accident due to a break in the starboard reactor loop.

K-27: The only Project 645 submarine (a variant of the Project 627 November-class submarine, with liquid metal cooled reactors), K-27 was decommissioned in 1979. On September 6, 1982, the Soviet Navy scuttled it in shallow water (108 ft (33 m)) in the Kara Sea after sealing the reactor compartment.This sinking in shallow water was contrary to the recommendation of the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA).
K-8: A Project 627 November-class submarine was lost on April 11, 1970 while being towed in rough seas following a fire on board. The submarine's crew was initially evacuated to a surface vessel, but 52 re-boarded the surfaced submarine for a towing operation. All 52 sailors died when the submarine flooded and sank, for total losses of 60 crew when counting the 8 who perished on April 8 in the initial fire.[1] Location: Bay of Biscay, 490 kilometres (260 nmi) northwest of Spain in the North Atlantic Ocean.
K-219: A Project 667A Yankee I-class sub was damaged by a fire in a missile tube and explosion on October 3, 1986. It then sank suddenly while being towed after all surviving crewmen had transferred off. Six crew members were killed. Location: 950 kilometres (510 nmi) east of Bermuda in the North Atlantic Ocean.
K-278 Komsomolets: The only Mike-class sub built sank due to a raging fire April 7, 1989. All but five crewmen evacuated prior to sinking. A total of 42 crew died, many from smoke inhalation and exposure to the cold waters of the Barents Sea, while 27 crew members survived.

K-429: A Project 670A Charlie I-class sub sank twice, once at sea from flooding during a test dive, then two years later, from flooding at her moorings. A total of 16 crew lost their lives in the first incident. Raised after each sinking, K-429 was decommissioned two years after the second incident.
K-141 Kursk: The Oscar II-class sub sank in the Barents Sea on August 12, 2000 after an explosion in the torpedo compartment. See Kursk submarine disaster. All 118 men on board were lost. All except the bow section was salvaged.
K-159: Left to rust for 14 years after being decommissioned, this Soviet-era November-class submarine sank in the Barents Sea on August 28, 2003, when a storm ripped away the pontoons necessary to keep it afloat under tow. Of the ten man salvage crew on board, nine men died in the accident.

and finally, my personal favorite

1995 – A nuclear submarine had its electricity cut by an electricity company at a naval base due to unpaid bills. The submarine's cooling system ceased to function and the reactor "came close to meltdown".

Ancap as fuck

>due to unpaid bills
I guess the 'by god I'll kill us all' phone call didn't work out :(

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If you still are here how do you know all these?
what is your profession

Oh yikes, how does the best military in Africa has such a bad special forces unit

anyone screencap the Norway stories for future reference?

LE SCREENCAP XD
I can't wait to see them reposted with worse compression every time for the next decade

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2mil is nothing on a tank.

We had a week long exercise where we killed 9 abrams engines. Each to replace is 2-7mil depending on how much can be salvaged from the previous engine.

Story from belgium.

"a technician was working on an F-16 when he accidentally activated the six-barrels 20mm Vulcan M61A-1 cannon of that F-16"

He destroyed 2 f16's in the process.

kek

holy fuck
how many nuclear subs has Russia sent to the bottom of the ocean
wtf is their plan to hope for a giant radioactive monster to attack the USA

wew

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uhm how the hell did they kill so many engines?
overheating from hot weather and lots of full throttle? retards not doing maintenance?

the funniest or maybe scariest 90s russian navy story was theives breaking into a mothballed nuclear sub in vladivostok and trying to steal the control rods of a still fueled nuclear reactor for their high scap value

the only thing that stopped retards in tracksuits from causing one of history's worst nuclear accidents was that the control rods had been tack welded in place by some smart nuke

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thanks gonna post this on r/Jow Forums for upboats

You can do better than that zoomer npc

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>i saw something about the australian army starting a huge forest fire that took several weeks to put out
That's actually a lot more common than is probably sensible.

>When I was a reservist in artillery, at least 4 times we set the range on fire and you can't really send in the firey's to put it out...
>Saw a landrover drive through long grass and burn to the ground from hot exhaust + grass wrapped around it, that was very funny, mostly because it wasn't mine
>3 times on live fire where grunts set swathes of fairly scary amounts of of countryside on fire from tracers
>Airforce shat flares all over a paddock in the NT during training exercise, run for it we all gunna die. cunts
>Someone dropped spotting rounds near a hillside village in Afghanistan, pine trees burn well, so do Afghans

I should probably stop at this point

>trying to steal the control rods of a still fueled nuclear reactor
There was also the nuke powered lighthouses that constantly got broken into, copper + anything else of value nicked and then the weird white box with hot stuff in it got knocked off as well.
They didn't live very long

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>control rods had been tack welded in place by some smart nuke
>one battery grinder from being stolen

>Nuclear nighthouse that got broken into
Got the story? Sounds interesting. Not armed forces related but in terms of mongrels fucking with nuclear shit nothing beats the goiânia accident
>Some Brazilian lowlive leaves his slim and breaks into an abandoned hospital to nick shit to sell as scrap
>Finds sealed medical 137Cs source
>Beats the shit out of it with a wrench spanner, suffers radiation burns, sells it to scrap vendor after not getting any further
>scrap vendor manages to open lead confinement tank
Important to mention here that medical 137Cs sources contain C's as chloride salt. Very similar to normal table salt in terms of physical properties, thus very soluable in water. Big no-no to eat it get out of the confinement
>Shit is highly radioactive and a tally glows in the dark due to cherenkov radiation
>Favela monkey is fascinated by it, takes it home, gives it to family and friends. Wants to make jewelry out of the shit for his wife
>After the first people get acute radiation sickness symptoms and go to the hospital authorities notice something went horribly wrong
>4 people die of acute radiation sickness, hundred heavily exposed, many more indirect deaths

failure of procurement. That happened to every single military ever.

We are talking about clearly avoidable stupid choices

You think it will ever get better anytime soon?

>K-64, 1972: the first Alfa-class liquid-metal cooled reactor failed; reactor compartment scrapped.

So here's is the deal. The Soviets were wanting compact reactors and powerful weapons on their subs so they made the Alfa powered by a liquid metal reactor. Problem with liquid metal as it needs to be continuously flowing otherwise the coolant will solidify and render the entire reactor core a gigantic paperweight. This happened and the first ship of the class became the largest hunk of uselessness in the Soviet Fleet.

US with the USS Seawolf had so many problems with it that they (Rickover) literally said "fuck this shit" and stopped all future work with liquid metal cooled reactors. Soviets kept chugging along before they too called it quits because it was too fucking hard to keep working reliably.

This is why all US naval reactors have been pressurized water reactors: its safe, easier to operate and the design aspects are the most understood for naval reactors. Same with the Soviets and the now Russian submarine force.

India
Easily India

This thread is equally parts hilarious but then terrifying imagining you are on the end of these fuck ups.

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but we talk about that shit all the time
hell, we have a thread every time there's an incident
this is about everyone else or shit that got hush-hushed at the time

>that one story of the US naval officer doing some group training on a Indian run mothballed US destroyer and it looks about as maintained as an abandoned hospital
And they were tying to launch missiles out of that shit too.