ITT:We All Live In A Medieval Village

I'm a witcher, here about that monster contract someone put up.

Care to tell me more about this monster, what you saw?
Describe to me what it looked like, what's it do, anything you can remember, it could be of great importance.

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We shall raise and wave our flags with beta male screeching , our furious "REEees " shall strike fear in lord Chad's warriors , we shall spit , throw shit and piss bottles at him .
God shall be pleased with our victory and will grant us the our dream waifus .

Ik thineth not my dreamt brudar, thee king there is mightly strong and we are a wee bunch of faggots, and chuckholds, how can we stand against such a mighty host such as the king and his dukes?

Fuck i've got the plague. If i die my children will probably starve to death or get raped by hordes of Norman invaders. This isn't fun at all

> get conscripted as a footman
> become the poster boy of my levy, give the big chads with the flails and chain mail armor good cummies to keep morale high
> be selected to carry our mysteriously stained flag gloriously into battle
> lead the foot charge against the evil Duke of Chadington
> literally killed by the first arrow that is fired

The arch bishop just declared the duke a heretic. looks like we won't be slaying the neighboring house again this year

Why did you have to post cuck me, so did my guy just become the only person to die in the war?

*stabs you*
BLOODY WITCHA COONT FAGGOT

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check mine dopples m'lord

yes. Seems appropriate, no?

>can't stop beating off
>excommunicated
>continues to beat off
checkmate, pope.

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*tars and feathers u*
heh, nothin personnel, m'lord

Over educated priest here. Still manages to stutter during sermons though

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*helps you feather me*
>become bird
>can beat off and god can't do anything about it
>tfw cheated the lord again

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*Catches a common cold and isnt in debt as a result*

>tfw alcymest
>tfw your most esteemed lorde has you working overtime

It never ends, lands. These poultices don't maketh themselves.

Oh how I wish Sir Chadingdong would have me sire his children.

>take my bow, axe and dagger and run to another village

>spend childhood every day in the church praying that I can become a priest and live a comfy life
>pastor notices my dedication and sponsors me to study in Rome
>Spend every day studying the ancient texts harder and longer than anyone else around me
>even the pope himself notices my dedication and commends me
>end up being stuck as a monk transcribing and coppying the same journal 100s of times while Chaddington the 3rd is made the pastor of my home village
One of these days I'm going to tear this whole motherfucker down, just you wait

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>doing the bidding of yonder chadeth, paynstaking makething doodles in yonder margins

Methinks thy chose the wrong profession
- t. alchemyst

I am a time traveler from the year of two thousand and eighteen
Ask me anything

My brothers and sister
alone a stick is flimsy and breaks easy
But together they form the MIGHTY FAGGOT!
now rise and take what is ours
For freedom
for tendies
FOR WAIFUS!

>be me
>African
>born to the undugoo space travel tribe
>enjoy interdimensional communication with my pharaoh ancestors
>we laugh at barbarian whites

>tfw blacksmith apprentice for 10 years, too dumb to increase rank
>only doing it to be able to provide for a wife
>been talking to the parents of a 13 year old qt next door hoping to gain their favor.
>tfw qt got married in secret to a wandering ministrel named Chadin simply so he could take her girlhood away.
>tfw he left her the next day, the whole village found out and she was sent to the local monastery to become a nun.
>tfw blacksmith beats me for tripping over the anvil again

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> be me
> nobody followed me into battle because the Lord called for a cease fire
> I was screaming too loudly to hear him
> I was literally that retard running across the field screaming swinging a giant flag with nobody following me
> archer decides it would be funny to take a potshot at me
> archer actually strikes me dead center
> wtf.ohshit
> die instantly
> both armies laugh heartily
> I am left on the battlefield
> my body eventually becomes dessicated and the flesh infected
> looters find my body
> begin stealing my equipment, shoes, gambeson
> contract typhus from my corpse
> return to the village
> immediately enter the tavern, coughing
> hire several bar wenches for suckies

TO BE CONTINUED

>Be member of glorious Mayan/Dravidian space syndicate
>drop intergalactic nukes on *fricans daily

>shieeet

Origami

>tfw you could unironically say milady without people wincing

Truly a euphoric age

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svre'ly yov meant 'an evphoric age. m'lord

OI, YOU GOTTA LICENSE FOR THAT, CUNT

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They had u's by the middle ages you stupid romeaboo

yov svre abovt that? every post is original this way

I propose a ban on nefarious satanic heathen water cleansing apparatus!

Vote my brothers!
>yay
>nay
(dubbs will be accused of sorcery and will be burnt on stake)

>pic related

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11th

Now don't you have some rye to harvest or something?

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>Plot twist the son is a trap

Is it true you people believe the earth is flat?. Haha what dummies

I think it's a roastie. It mostly looks at itself and is a vapid bitch to everyone, only fucks chad nobles

For whomst shalldn't thye homo sapien female worship thye font of semen frome whence she cameth of?

Part 1/2

>be me
>be knight
>am chilling in the barracks when a servenf steps in
>"sir Anonomous, the grand duke of chadilane has summoned you"
>"What for peasant"
>"he did not tell sir, but it is of great importance that you make haste with seeing him"
>fuck sake fine
>head off to the throne room
>when I get there I see a couple high ranking knights, generals and a fucking cardinal bishop surrounding the throne
>this should be interesting
>I join the group and see that the duke is already ranting on about something
>"... It is of great importance that we slay the carriers of the unholy spirit, this 'meme magic' of witch has permeated throughout our great duchy. I call on all of thou, to, for the great of the land, to kill the propagators of this foul demon spirit. And to you, cardinal William, to spread the holy...
>I tune him out
>I couldn't care less about "fighting for god of whatever
>this job is all for the shekels
>we are marching on some village tomorrow so I'm sent to my barracks for a goods night rest
>next day were out in the field marching down some dirt road to some Podunk town
>we near the town and there is some noise coming from it
>it sounds like people screaming ree
>weird
>then it gets weirder
>were like 150 paces from the gate and it already stinks to high hell
>like what death prolapsed asshole would smell like
>next we see shit flying over the walls
>literally sacks of shit and glasses of piss
>we are ordered to charge at the gate
>broke like that servents boy pussy after the attitude he showed me
>there is a moment of stillness as we stand just beyond the gate
>the town looks abandoned
>what.parchment
>we march into the towns center
>the whole division is inside the walls now
>then everything hits the fan

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>"military-style assault crossbows"
>kek.tapestry

No, the Normans had burnt my fields.

I-i mean y-your fields, sire.

Part 2/2

>every door in the village is burst open and the Rees of the damned fill my ears as goblets of piss are chucked at us from all sides
>the peasants start shouting nonsense like "kill the chads","the beta uprising has begun" and similar Crap
>we try to attack but they won't fucking die
>we try to take up a defensive position but they just throw themselves over the fucking shield wall
>we all scatter in every direction
>we are dropping like flies and I don't think we killed a single one
>dive into a back Allie but they sniff out my location like fucking blood hounds
>I'm sprinting around town like a mad man trying not to die
>it's only been 20 minutes and I'm sure half my devision is dead
>get cornered my some of these hell creatures
>I lost my sword and shield a while ago so no way to protect my self
>in a last ditch effort to live I grab my chicken leg ration from my pouch and try to use it as a club
>the monstrositys stop in there tracks and slowly start chanting something
>"tendie...tendie, tendie tendies chicken tenders chicken tenders CHICKEN TENDERS"
>the seem to want the food
>don't question it
>break some of the chicken off and toss it over a roof
>they are running towards and fighting each other over the chicken
>faintly kek
>use the same tactic to get them to fuck off as a head towards the back gate
>run out of chicken when I reach it
>they are no longer distracted and now are focusing on me
>ohno.inkwell
>I'm dog piled by them
>shout "fucking normies get off of me" I ment to say niggers
>they stop for some reason
>knock them off of me and sprint out of the gate
>I can hear them reeing at the loss of there kill
>I'm currently of the back of a horse I stole from a nomad
>I'm fucking shook from the ordeal
>I just saw 1,500 knights get slaughtered my some deranged peasants
>I sould have listened to the duke
>meme magic is real
>and there is nothing that can save you from it

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Will I avoid being sent to war if I put on womens garments?

No, you will be broiled and server to the dogs. Traps are a sin

Countrymen...I believe that I am invovled in a ruse in which my're wife has been involuntarily engaging in sodomy with the lizard kind (ie the long noses). I shall live never more knowing this morbid truth. Where art thou inquisitors and thee highwayman? Damnation to thee kingdom my lord!

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Just steal some scary doctor's mask and pretend to be an alienist.
Thou don't desire to be a tranny, no?

Thou should burn the wicked wench at the stake, engaging with those with the long nose is a crime

Afraid we won't have the manpower to work the fields this year if the villagers keep offing themselves at the current rate

>perform sleight of hand trick at the local tavern to impress a qt3.14 that i'd like to marry
>her eyes widen in terror
>she screams something about me being a warlock of satan
>6'4 knight chaddington that was having a drink comes over and knocks me out
>tfw sentenced to public execution the next day
It was nice knowing you lads

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>tfw the norman invaders showed up to my farm and trampled my crops again

they're literally killing me, when are we going to do something about this?

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sod off and die twat, haven't see a good public execution in 7 moons now, try to make this one good when you die

>tfw Jow Forums in the medieval time would basically be a barbarian settlement
it honestly fits perfectly for what most of us would do, kill other men, rape their women and then loot the villages so we lively comfy and carefree off someone else's riches

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kek

I think a hermitage would suit us better. Because we're closed off from the outside world and just copy the same things over and over.

a monastery, I mean

My conversation with my duke minutes ago

>anonius we spoke to the archbishop and he said thy want you to come to Constantinople (a city in Byzantium) to live with him so he can make you normal again, what do you think?
>I'm not sure, I'll think about it
>well it doesn't seem like your getting better, if you're going to be at home most of the time, your might as well try out being a scolar. You can go with the archbishop to buy a new bible once you're there
>okay I will think about it and let you know

Looks like my home village cannot take it anymore.

Kek'd
Orlando

>tfw my tribe built a long boat
>argue what to do
>Sten chadson holmgangs boat builders client
>he leader now
>go with his plan of boat ride
>weak old guy die on boat
>go to some wierd place after weeks
>me and the the gang land on shores
>see large building
>spy
>wierd males wearing long skirts and funny haircut
>go inside
>humans in there had riches
>some wierd naked guy on cross
>knut and sten Chadson mocks the guy on cross
>wierd dress guys become angry try stop chadson from pointing and laughing at cross man
>sten chadson draws his sword after they touch his arm
>kills dress wearing guy
>others from tribe join in
>we kill them easy
>some escape
>we take their riches and leave
>find cute boi make him my slave
>Chadson is pretty okay desu
>got a small farm from my share of the riches we took
>can't understand anything what my slave says but he is learning our ways
>might go over again after next winter

>ancestors end up worshiping guy on cross
heh

Some of you Christians are alright, don't go to Constantinople (a city in Byzantium) tomorrow.

>t. Turk

>duke found the titty trebuchet

>captain found the cum catapult

>town preacher reinstates genital inspection day
NOOOOO

> knights conquered the cum corundum
Farewell peasants...

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"Uuu...a giggling noise"
"Very pale"
"Tight a-"
>Tight what?
"....Tight...Ass?"

>The inquisitor has located the semen sewer
My time upon this earth is surely up, I bid thee all good bye.

>laird made renown mine onanism onager
miri it is whilst summer is last and shitpost fast

>feudal lord located the lewd bucket

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>be me
>the duke declares war
>enemies approach my village
>can't defend the vilage because they outnumber us
>enemies rape my wife and daughter
>enemies kill me at 23 y/o

which one of you raped my sheep?

>most of my country men have become christian
>tfw have to go to church and stuff like that
>miss the old days
>not even allowed incest cuz commoner

>too autistic to get a wife
The local lads at the tavern are making fun of me.
I'm the only serf in the land without a wife.

> standerdis'd spelings
't has rooin'd my immersion

> ploughing my field and wife

>tfw Christian
>tfw boipussy not allowed cuz I am not a priest
Why even live?

Bonjour a vous, paysans anglos sale. C'est moi, le grand-duc de Normandie qui vous gouverner. Je vous demande la raison pour laquelle les putes anglos de mon harem sont si moche et je vous commande de m'amener les plus belles filles dans ce pays.

Faites ca maintenant ou je vous tuerai, paysans anglos sale.

>csq r9k ne permet pas les accents propres

Does art lord return?

I'm a former peasant who escaped his lord's lands and am now travelling around pretending to be a monk, pilfering the respect and hospitality a monk is due.
Have fun working in those fields, slavey wagies!

Take my wife, please!

Just don't kill me, milord.

The Tale of Flag Cuck CONTINUED

> the tavern wenches contracted the typhus from the looters
> anyone who fucks the bar wenches will contract typhus

This is my revenge on OP for post cucking me. Let's see what kind of plague a thirsty ass peasant can start.