CRTL + F. NO FIT HUMOUR
I know you’ll laugh but I need some genuine advice here.
I needed to shit before I started lifting and I’m currently in the gym toilets, been sat for 20 minutes. I bit of shit came out but the rest was a literal rock that I could only get out 1/5 of the way, just a dry, sharp and painful turd. I was trying to release for 10 minutes of continuous straining. I feel dizzy now. I had to just finger the turd back inside me with TP fingers. I was wondering why I put on 2 kg in a week. I’m sat here with my ass hole gaping, I want to lift but I feel like the gape won’t go a for a while...
Any advice for a constipated user?
masturbate
You need some more water in you. Sounds like a swollen prostate. Does it burn a bit if you pee?
Only in the morning
>that one guy who does upright pushups on the squat rack for a warmup before doing actual squats
Uh oh
eat an apple, and drink a liter of water
Someone's got prostate cancer
Water and mild laxatives. You can start with coffee and something like prune juice or whatever natural preference you have, but this is exactly what laxatives are for.
Get a pregnancy test like soundblue or whatever. If it is positive visit a medical practitioner asap. I'd just recommend seeing the doctor immediately.
Dude knows what an asshole gape feels like, probably not pregnant
Kek
it's a thing some dude on leddit did. he pissed on a test and it was positive so he thought it's funny or some shit, posted it there and someone told him if it comes out positive it means he might have cancer in his ass or balls or something because he shouldn't be making the stuff that makes the test come out positive and he had ass cancer or something so that's the story of that
Got this out of a thread yesterday, made me spit out my oats.
I laughed the first time I saw this, not it makes me cringe.
Jow Forumsing "DROP THE BAR MAN"
That's because you're an edgelord
Had some major keks from this
If i wanted to see something humorous, i ask you your 1rm
holy fuck i swear i know that guy, minus the home gym thing
What the absolute fuck? Is this Google translate from Russian?
user's probably left but it sounds like hemmoroids to me. Something similar happened to my uncle years ago. He was taking a shit and a turd just wouldn't drop. Turns out it wasn't a turd, but hemmoroids. That shit's gonna get you fingered by a doc so be prepared.
Man I remember the laughs we had while he was telling me the story, cousin was there to confirm too. Good luck user.
No clue dude, funny as shit tho
something quick is oatmeal and black coffee. That'll usually punch a hole in your bowels. But from now on drink more water and more fiber
>yfw this is the bloatlord posting this
Okay..so I spent another 20 minutes in the stall after posting this. I managed to squeeze the turd out maybe and extra inch and break it off by hand. My ass was able to close somewhat to its normal state. Although I blocked the toilet with an ungodly amount of TP. I don’t think I have cancer or anything, but I did not eat anything solid food yesterday cause I didn’t have time, just had 3 serious mass shakes with milk and oats in 2 of them. I didn’t workout in the end, I just went home and rested. Been sleeping up to now.
Thanks for advice anons
i was in the thread this was posted i but only now got the joke, first time i read i thought he was referring to his gym as his home...
>recently having stomach problems
>a lot of mucus in my poo(orangish to white color)
>have to fart constantly and sometimes alittle mucus comes out
Anyways
>4 days ago
>at gym
>i'm a dyel and new to the gym
>doing squats with bitch weights
>Fuckin first rep
>go down
>feel the pressure on my anus
>to scared to get up cause I know what will happen
>sitting there squated down for like 2 minutes
>guy comes over thinking I cant lift the weight back up
>"fuckkk mee"
>tell him I'm fine
>he's legit concerend cause I'm skinny as fuck and face is red
>squats down and helps me back up as im telling him I'm fine i'm okay
>half way up I completely rip out a fart towards his dick
>he whispers "wtf"
>put weights up and head to locker room
>mucus all up in my underwear
>trash it and haven't been to the gym since then
Why the hell is mucus coming out of your asshole...
Have no idea desu. Don't jave the money to go to a doctors and all I can find on the internet is food poisning and ibs
I've had this happen before during periods of high stress. Kinda smells like fish
No idea what it is
you did remember to take your squat plug out yea?
Lol this me
You just excreted a mega brap. Nice
It's all of his bf's cum coming back out.
Fucking fix your diet disgusting people
I laughed more than I should have.
i had that before two times. First time It was because I ate shellfish for the first time in my life and i guess my body was wtf'ing
Second time i had undercooked some fish and soon i got proper diarrhoea
kek
Imagine him hunched over with his dead stare at the computer and viewing translate and Jow Forums
Fuckin kek
I've never laughed so hard on this board
Me lol (you) made
Well, you should probably not ask Jow Forums for medical advice but I'd say seek a doctor if this persists for too long. In the meantime, drink more water, make sure you get your fibers (oatmeal, broccoli etc). Coffee helps as well. Eat healthy shit for good shits.
My sides left orbit
>bro this cock is a horrible crap
>Anyone else raise their arm close their eyes and pretend the fold in your shoulder is a girl's lips?
w-what a weirdo I totally don't press my bicep into my face, with my palm on the back top of my head like a facehugger, and flex and unflex to simulate kissing
>"Friends cock you're giving it, those are much hairier".
This one obliterated my sides.
Keep a rubber coated baby spoon in your gym bag, then go to town
One time when I was squatting at a gym my boxers ripped in half on my top set.
Then like two days later I ripped another pair on my top set.
About a month later I forgot about never wearing boxers again during lifting and ripped another pair.
All of them got completely obliterated, ripped totally in half up to the waistband.
i've been away from Jow Forums for a couple months, and i feel like ive stepped into a whole other dimmension
Look here at Jessie. What a real piece of shit. You’re going to want to superset with the bands and then 3x10 of at least twelve pushup variations.
can't have a Jow Forums humor thread without spooky ghosts
what a garbage screencap, just what are those first replies responding to? and how is the lower part related to the upper part?
take this
I think i had a seizure reading this
Bumparoo
Lul
The first couple replies are in relation to a massive burn an user posted.
The bottom half is when the thread got derailed and sent to r9k and everyone was tessing them for it.
it was funnier being in the thread. I didn't make a screencap, only saved what some other user made.
Can’t beleive I lost to this, fuck
The Chad quench
KEKd heartily at this.
does anyone have the one about a waterpark and fat guy?
you know the one
>he white now
God damn it, I'm in this thread because I don't want to be on Jow Forums.
absolutely hilarious
its perfect
Oh man, I remember that thread
>IT'S YOU,THE HERO OF KVATCH!
>text covering face
Gets me every time
ALL HAIL THE DRAGOBORN!
This one always gets me.
>"you like what you see?"
>girl nods yes
>don't know what to do
>put headphones in
>leaves
my sides lol
god damn i didn't laugh like this in a while
Kek
lmao this is good on many levels
when you're going trhough hell keep going.
go home and have an enema
drink lots of water, smoke a cigarette and drink some coffe, you'll shit in couple minutes
never forget
why did you cut the drawing outw
>5'11 and 6'0
>all the time the knee screams at you
>Soylord vegan (if this somehow matters)
most important piece of information. Soyboy is going to get his shit pushed in by meat eating manlet
>>half way up I completely rip out a fart towards his dick
fuaark