Dire dire straits

Jow Forums I really need to say some things and strongly need to instill some wisdom because I don't have any sort of capacity to deal with any of my issues right now and I'm really struggling

I never visited this board, even back when I went on /b/ and heard it was just /b/ without the reposts, but I really need to say some things that I can't really say to other people. It's funny that an anonymous community that gets a bad rap sometimes could probably be the best people to comfort me in a time of need

I've been really in a bad mindset recently, even to the point of rationalizing suicide and even devising plans if I were to do it (get a rope and hang myself in a nearby forest, tie rocks to my feet and drown in the nearby quarry, find a high enough bridge and jump off it, etc) and it kind of scares me, but is also strangely a source of happiness, to know that I can just end it all. One because it's my depression and my "freedom" to live out the life that was predetermined as you are born, one full of hardships, inequalities, insecurities, the unfarity. My family is poor, yet we live in a big house that we needed multiple mortgages on. I've lived with over 20 different people excluding my family in my own home which caused a sort of culture shock, and poor coping mechanisms to me growing up. My brothers were always antagonistic and fought, I never get along with them, in fact I despise one of them, and the other one I don't really care about.

I'm just not an affectionate person, I don't feel like I could trust myself to do that. I don't want to get hurt. I can't find anyone I really can put my love into. I wake up every day to a house that never remains clean, to a bed where the ill never get well. Everything is disappointing, everything falls apart, and now that I feel like I've faced adversity so much in my mind I'm now permanently blackened, unclean, not worthy, just like how I use to think, people like me grew up to kill themselves.

Cont. of my pathetic blogpost

Attached: manlytears.jpg (447x599, 40K)

Continue have you had therapy ??

I feel like like is the most unfair when genetically you can be shorter than the average female in my country, paired with bad genetics like a weird shaped skull, balding heavily since 20, having sinus cancer at 17 despite doing no drugs, having a home that doesn't feel like a home and always gives me anxiety over the people living there, or over money, or over my insecurities. Most of my friends aren't my friends anymore, they either all have gone to college, have S/Os, or just devote their time to single people or groups which I don't feel a part of. I get along with people well enough, but I just don't like a lot of people. I'm definitely not a normal guy, I'm definitely a more alternative person, it gets so hard to not be taken seriously for other people's ignorance or things that aren't even my fault. I just don't know what to do. I'm lost. I spent most of my days depressed and bored. It sucks, it sucks cause I live in the bumfuck of nowhere, with boonies all around, either white trash or niggers, I wish I lived in a big city so that there would be at least things to do other than living in fucking rural Ohio. Man, I'm just really lonely. My family is pretty dysfunctional, I can't really get along with them. Many of my friends have gone away in the end, and the ones that I'm still cool with are just tertiary friends, you know like I knew em in school and thought they were cool but they aren't my homies

I haven't. It's not that I don't respect it though. One of my favorite artists wrote an album in dedication to his marriage counselor and it definitely struck a chord in me.

*life

I could say more... Let me gather my thoughts so I don't just ramble.

why cant you move , Cincinnati is pretty cool and not to high cost of living..

So to continue on to the meat and potatoes of my pretentious faggot baby-like thought patterns, I definitely suffer from depression. I have GAD but I don't have horrible anxiety, and never had an anxiety attack. I often get into moods where I don't want to talk to people or do anything but hide in my room, and other times I''m fine with going out and conversing. I don't remember a lot of high school because I was often depressed but good at hiding it, so it was never addressed. People liked me, it made it easy for me to be a drifter and be somewhat cool with everyone but not close to many, and the ones I did get close to I fucked up by being too clingy, or I wasn't cool enough for them to... you know, consider more than anyone else that I need help and to not just expect to forget things and be "friends" again when our friendship is a tugboat. One person pulling a lot of shit while the other person just sits in for the ride. I don't try to inconvenience anyone, tell them my issues, when I was more social before I stopped hanging out with everyone I felt just normal I guess (but with my plethora of issues always hiding behind my mask of fruition and happiness). I never bogged people down with my problems although I guess it can be obvious that I do have them, either through situations that make me anxious, moodswings, overreactions, massive overlabelling as shitty defense mechanisms.

I just wish every day why I couldn't have been born next door. Why do I have to deal with this shit, poor body image, poor mental mechanisms, and lately drug addictions to weed, alcohol, and benzodiazepenes to even somewhat good in a day

Ive been there. Fuck it, i AM there. Except for drug use i relate to your post way too much.
Ive been on a spiral of failure, low self esteem, heavy drug use, basically giving up. suicidal thoughts turned to plans, notes, dry firing guns at my brain stem, i used hroin for a bit till my friends found out and im detoxing. My mindset is just like yours, i can barely function, i think about kms all day long. While i dont immediately plan on it i will almost certainly kill myself within the next 6 months.
Therapy made my life much much, i cant stress it enough, much worse. Not for everybody but in my case they really fucked me over.

Anyway op,
I really want to say some words of encouragement but im not a liar.
Know this, some people, such as manlet losers like us, are not cut out to he happy people. You can choose to pretend like its worth fighting, or at keast give it another shot, or you can spare yourself and end it at the expense of everyone you know. Its a terrible decision to have to make and i dont know what i will do myslef. No one. Absolutely no one will get you out of your bind. You need to make a choice and double down out it.

I went to Cinci once to visit a friend and it was okay but I would rather move to a nice area in Columbus. I'm broke as fuck and don't have a job currently, no one would move out with me, and I'm going to a local community college right now. I had a nice job at an airport making 14 an hour part time with full time benefits, but after a year working there I had a shitty month and almost had a mental break down so I quit for no reason at all. It was probably the worst mistake I ever did cause looking back that job was pretty good and was helping me keep me sane, I can't work retail or at a food place and feel the same way, I would hate every fiber of my work.

Moving though, if it is possible that I could get good student loans to move me to Columbus next semester when I transfer to an actual Uni, that's the dream right now. Nevermind all the other shit that makes me feel like horrible on the inside, like being an ugly balding manlet with depression, probably ADHD, home issues, trust issues, etc, maybe I can find another group of people who can help me not bear my burden alone.

University is not for everyone don't go just because and end up with a pile of debt. Try a temp labor job they get paid daily so you can get some cash and nobody cares if you don't come back for a week.If you like some place then you can keep going back as liong as they need you and you can meet new people at your own pace.

I'm sorry dude that you can relate as well, as I really don't think it's very proper, not very wholesome that people like me can exist in this world where apparently anything is possible.

That's kind of the way I look at it too, I get through this semester of school, find somewhere to transfer to and dorm, see if life gets better. and if it doesn't it's all FUD and I don't think I can continue. I just needed to talk about this because every day it feels like more of my heart gets ripped out, more hair falls out, I'm causing more chemical imbalance in my body, however thanks for listening. Even as much as I would love to just die and disappear right now I don't have the balls to go through with it, it's just funny that thinking about it makes me feel somewhat happy.