Problems

I would still have this fear because the day after I had my last retina appointment I got floaters in my good eye (presumably from the appointment) which is a symptom of a potential retinal detachment (whcih took my other eye), and I was too afraid to go in to him again and feel that he will detach my only eye's retina since my vision in my bad eye was fine before his surgrery but got ruined from it

Okay, but what if you went to a different specialist. Say by some miracle you got taken to the Mayo Clinic, you're getting treated by the same surgeon and same team as Royalty and Billionaires and they said "there's no need to perform a surgery, your other retina isn't detaching".
then how would you feel? Not the same doctor as last time, totally unrelated. Best in their field say there's no further deterioration.
Then how do you feel?

I have the same fear OP. I fear that I go outside I may get followed, get beaten up or may get killed. Even though I don't talk to anyone and barely go outside

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Why do you feel you're particularly at risk of assault or murder?

better but still an underlying paranoia since I don't trust doctors or life

I don't know why even, such a thing never happened to me. Nor, I was abused or assaulted as a child.

How much better would you feel and would it change the way you live your life at all?
And also the opposite, let's say they tell you "you've got no more than 14 months of vision left" like they can give you a minimum number of time, and it's certain that's your window? How would you feel?
Describe both situations?

When is this fear strongest?
When are you outside but it doesn't cross your mind?

I would feel a bit better for a day or two, and then the underlying paranoia that I'll go blind would keep building until it gets to a high level.

I would feel sad but relieved it was finally over, and grateful I had 14 months of guaranteed time with vision, I would do everything I ever wanted to do, and then kill myself at the end of 14 months.

Now I'm going to move train of thought a bit: when did this paranoia over your eyes, or in general, start? Did it only manifest after this botched surgery or did you have this fear and paranoia over other things beforehand?

As in, tell me as much as you can about your state of mind before this surgery happened.

I was a pretty anxious kid, and displayed some ocd like tendencies like having to have my room clean and things straight/in-line, my dad always blew off my medical issues like if I was throwing the ball wrong in baseball and said my arm hurt he dismissed it but later a coach fixed my motion and told me it had been wrong before, even when I was young I knew I should overcome my ocd/anxiety and my dad encouraged me, so right before I got the injury that apparently caused the detachemtn according to my surgeon (even though the vision was perfectly fine) I intentionally didn't remove myself from a very low chance injury situation to prove to myself that I was being paranoid and got a really bad eye injury as a result.

the eye paranoia began after the first surgery to fix my eye failed and it redetached, I ahd to have a seocond surgery then to reattach it and even though that 'suceeded' my vision is unusable in my bad eye even though it was fine before the surgeries when it was 'detached'. ever since it redetached after the first surgery if been paranoid about retinal detachemtns and going blind, especailly after getting floaters in my good eye from my retinal appointmenta f ew months ago since that along with flashes are the two big sytmoms of retinal detachment which invariably lead to blindess

So this sense that things are wrong or going wrong has followed you your entire life, right? And because your father dismissed your medical issues you felt like you couldn't even be sure of your own perception of situations - yes?

> I intentionally didn't remove myself from a very low chance injury situation to prove to myself that I was being paranoid and got a really bad eye injury as a result.
Now is it possible there a connection between this and the relief you would feel if you had 14 months of vision?

yes, since the injury everything that could've gone wrong has gone wrong, it feels like there's something above making sure everything goes wrong for me no matter what since then, like I'm being punished for deeds I did before I was born or something since it just doesn't make sense how things could go this badly otherwise

also yes, he constantly gaslights me and makes me think I'm insane, I think partially to make himself feel less guilty since he was in charge of my medical care when I got injured along with my mom

yes, it would remove the doubt, uncertainty, and anxiety, if I knew I had guranteed vision, I wouldn't have to constatnly worry and think about it, and since I knew it would be gone after 14 months I wouldn't be as worried about lost oppurtunities even if something did happen

Like what kind of problems? Financial and shit? Legal?

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medical, mental

please you've been very helpful, do you have some sort of answer?

Sorry I had other things to do. But I'll be back for the next 15 minutes or so. I'm trying to find the right way to phrase what I think.

Okay so, I think I know what I want to ask: what do you think you're missing out on if you lose your vision sometime in the future? Why is it that if there is a demarcation "this is how long you have" you won't be worried about lost opportunities, and yet with the remote possibility - the unknown - that, things might not be so bad it worries you and you think you're missing out on opportunities?
I mean obviously I'm not trying to minimize your fears or say "don't worry about it brah" because it's perfectly rational you fear these things: don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
But do you think that the extent, the degree you're fearing it is justified?
I think you're self aware enough to realize it's self-defeating, whether you have 14 months or 14 years you should live to the fullest blah blah blah - I'll spare you the normie crap.
But do you think the intensity of your fear is justified?

I'd say the life I want to live, like finding a beautiful wife and having kids, being successful etc. or at the very least passing on my genes so that they have a chance or a timeline where a freak accident doesn't ruin their chances at success in life like I was on the trajectory to have.

I think the intensity is justified since I know I wouldn't want to live a blind life, I'd very likely kill myself if I went blind, and the successive chances of all these things going wrong in my life (others which I didn't inlcude too) simply seem too low to rationally be believed to have organically happens, it almost seems engineered to cause me maximum suffering or something, I mean the odds are either wrong or so slim they're pratically impossible

and like maybe my eyes are just bad and destined to go blind? maybe those odds are wrong since they're compared to the normal population.

I have to go and it's very hard to give practical advice...
This will sound really random but there was a famous mathematician who use to tell a story, there was this turkey that got bought an d brought to a farm and he realized after a few days that every morning without fail he was being fed at 9am. This is a parable right, so the Turkey actually was kinda clever and he would look at the shadows to confirm it was always the same time, and sure enough, regardless of the day of the week, cold or hot weather, at 9am every damn morning he got fed.
It became clear to the turkey "every morning at 9 am I will be fed". Without fail.
Thanksgiving morning however instead of getting fed, he got his throat slit and was stuffed, roasted, and served with cranberries.
As real and as horrible as the things that have happened to you are - past events cannot be used as a reliable indicator of future events. In the same way that turkey was wrong about getting fed Thanksgiving morning, so too might you be wrong about your medical conditions further deteriorating.

We all feel victimized by the universe, to some degree, I know that your particular life gives reason for that. But there's a few things I want to point out to you - firstly there is no karma or fate or god which is punishing you, let's be honest, that would make you pretty fucking special for the universe to focus so much attention on you when there's 7 billion other people on the earth it decides to use you as a punching bag? (Even though it feels that way!). You also have admitted yourself that your paranoid. You've said your own father is gas-lighting you to avoid the guilt for his involvement...

I feel like you have this all-or-nothing view on the world, it's either "I'm gonna go blind because I did evil in a past life, or I'll be okay and have a beautiful wife and kids and be successful and start off this genetic dynasty" - realistically, realistically, real life is somewhere inbetween. Bitter and Sweet.

thank you for your help, I just want to tell you that I'll be saving this conversation and using it for the next year at least to help myself, you didn't know me at all and went out of your way to help me a complete stranger, and on top of that gave good, practical advice. thank you so much for caring when no one else did.

You're very welcome user. That's quite a compliment.
Make sure to not let the fear and pessimism paralyze you: and I know that's very hard to do.
I guess try and internalize this:
>It's not as bad as I fear, but it'll never be as good as I want.
And another thing is, I'm a fucking stranger out of nowhere who wanted to help you - I'm pretty certain I'm not that rare though in the sense that other good things are there, but when we're clouded by paranoia and a history of gaslighting it's hard to remember them.