Anons help every time I'm near a dangerous thing or high height I have a strong urge to commit suicide right then and there. I used to lift 4 plates at 145lb a few years ago and thought I was Olympic material (lolno), I lost 45lb and all muscle from a abdominal surgery in July, down to 99 pounds. I'm 112 lb now and trying hard as fuck to get my gainz back, but need to exert constant mental effort when near things that could end my life like heights or a waterfall, like emperor of man in 40k, just to not kill myself.
I feel even worse than a need because I had a wife material cute petite pale redhead gf at 16, and now at 22 have been alone as FUCK since graduating highschool. I'm so fucking alone I literally haven't seen a person my age in a year, let alone tried to talk to them. I feel like even if I self improve, I'll throw myself off a cliff without even thinking about it. I don't plan on suicide ever and don't feel like a suicide bitch but it's as if my subconscious wants the lack of any human contact and loneliness to end even if I can tolerate it. I feel like a fucking servitor from 40k, where they're controlled to do unending work, but the fragment of their original soul inside is constant screaming in agony and trying to influence the lobotomied host. I can't even look at gifs of heights or waterfalls because my brain is like "THIS IS MY CHANCE TO DIE YAYY". Sorry anons that this is formatted like a gay ass Reddit wall of text post.
If you post another blog you won't need to kill yourself because ill do it.
Bentley Turner
I fucking knew I should have made this shit more concise but I couldn't leave out 40k references lol.
Jordan Ortiz
What was your abdo surgery?
Benjamin Kelly
Huge fucking abdominal hernia that I had for 3 years and kept getting surgery pushed back. That I got from gay fucking hurricane harbor water park in socal. Prevented me from running or getting a job until now, but now I'm underweight as fucking Christ.
Tyler Hughes
I think you're depressed and have suicidal tendencies. I really hope you find what you need.
Gavin Mitchell
Yea but it's like the part I can't control is suicidal, like breathing. The dialogue in my head is very anti suicide and "suicide is for quitters" type of stuff. Im on a self improvement a day promise and doing better, but am legit scared I'll accidently kill myself without wanting to, like it's a reflex that I need to stop IRL. I see a video of something high or deadly and just from that little video get suicidal chills. Like what the fuck. I'm not a suicidal edgy bitch, I hate thinking or joking about that shit.
Jaxson Rodriguez
I'm not even slightly suicidal but when I'm at height I'll imagine myself going over the edge.
Sounds to me like you're kinda depressed buddy. "My subconscious has reason to suicide, but not me personally" ??? How the fuck does that work
Don't stress it though dude 22 is young AS FUCK, it's not even near "too late" Just make a start working towards the person you want to be.. things will get better
David Diaz
I think a lot of people have that. I'm not OP but sartre talked of vertigo as not being the fear of height but the fear that you could jump, that there's nothing actually in your way.
Having strong compulsion, if that is what OP is describing, is something aberrant and he's probably depressed. But simply being bothered by the thought is normal. At least if you aren't an npc.
Luis Watson
Don't cry about that. I have crohns so every few years i have to have a large operation to remove chunks of my small intestine, usually it's preceeded by a period of unintended starvation and then rest and recovery strips me of all my muscle. Usually 85-90kg down to 65kg. The climb back up even harder as each time i have less bowel to absorb food with.
After the second time i just used gear to get me back going quicker. I don't find it even gets me back to my pre-crohns capability but well worth doing
Cooper Lopez
>every time I'm near a dangerous thing or high height I have a strong urge to commit suicide right then and there It's normal, even has a name, Google "call of the void"
Christopher Harris
Sorry to hear you're hurting. I know it's hard to pldig yourself out of a deephole. I too used to be really fucking strong and jacked squatting 405 and pulling 475 at 160. Then I lost my mind entirely and abused myself for 6 months and relapsed on top of it I was really gonna kill myself either with fentanyl or a bus. Was sure I would always be a shell of my former self, but you know what I took it day and I'm better than ever rapidly getting my gains back. Also get into politics and fight for a future and existence for white children, Evropa is bleeding- she needs you
Bad LARP post. No one who seriously lifts is left wing.
Juan Brooks
You know, I started lifting at about your age, from just about the same position that you did, most things check out. I was also a virgin. Now I'm 30 and my coach mentioned competing at national level. Back then I had no future. Now, only open doors.
I can't stress enough that you are in fact young as fuck, and have a lifetime of achievement waiting for you, if you put your mind to it. And you have the advantage of muscle memory and knowhow gained before. Think about what you can achieve in 5 years. Hell, think about 10 years. You can get your strength back and more. I'm not going to tell you it's going to be easy. Actually, it's the opposite. The struggle is never going to end, not for me, not for you, not for anyone. But you are in control. Never forget that. The circumstances your find yourself in are just circumstances. It's up to you to decide how to react. You are the one with agency.
Also, your suicidal thoughts are going to go away when you get your body and your life back. Mind, body and spirit are one. You are in a bad place now, and my advice to you is to just push the thoughts away for now. Just put it off, and see what happens. Force yourself to the gym if you have to. Things are going to get progressively better for you as you better yourself.
Jose Lee
People have free will so it can be scary to think that you have the option to kill youself anywhere and anytime but its on you to not be a weenie
Ryan Martin
This. I started med school at 23. I would say i wasn't peoperly my adult self until 24.
Eli Ortiz
Or is it just the illusion of free will? You never actually jump. I can't remember which philosopher talks about it but he describes human experience as a pebble rolling down a hill thinking "ill go this way, i could choose to roll any other way or go back up, but I've chosen to keep going down".
Leo Ward
>feel like a fucking servitor from 40k Chaos awaits.
