Does anyone wanna have a convo?

I don't play videogames much anymore, sadly. I like movie games. Until Dawn, Life is Strange. Wbu? When I used to go to arcades, long time ago, I would play ddr, and I miss it. I don't know if arcades even exist anymore.
I was thinking about inviting this girl in my class (just some distractory vocational thing) to lunch, as friends. We get along and she laughs at my shitty jokes. I hope I can rewrite myself. Fill the hole in me and be normal. But I don't know if that's possible.

Why don't you try and pretend? Sure, the mask is a burden, but it beats being alone. I can't stand being alone anymore.

I tend to play games that are on the verge of dying, like Left 4 Dead 2 and Fallout: New Vegas. My computer can't handle new games.

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I'm not Op but I play CsGo What do you play? Also do you have any Anime recommendations? I like serial Experiments Lain welcome to the nhk stuff like that. I'm glad this isnt another discord server.

I don't know that there's a secret. There are a lot of techniques and whatnot people use to try to get them in a receptive frame of mind. Don't know if this is the best place to ask about that. I can tell you about my experience, but I don't know how helpful it'd be to you.

I'm guessing you're under 30? The thing that help me the most was simply getting out of my 20s.

Show me a picture of your lizard and I'll spare you, OP.

Ah, I used to play a lot of l4d2! I know the vs mode is most popular, but I always liked the campaigns. I liked team-based stuff. From quake to cs to tf2. Don't you wish you could be part of a true community? I wish I had a place in a group of people who accepted and truly valued me. Maybe, one day, it'll happen. But it is unlikely.
I am 26. I feel like things will be worse when I'm in my 30s. More and more expectations. And I know I won't be able to satisfy them. I would like to hear your experience, dude.

>Don't you wish you could be part of a true community?
I wish I was, yes. The feel of not belonging in at least some faction in Steam's online community of L4D2 has me feeling lonely sometimes, but at the same time that community is just so unironically toxic.

how are you supposed to not be alone at university? it's just people going to and fro, a sea of bodies with not a care for you.there's no time in class to get to know anyone, everyone's too busy scrambling from class to class to care about making friends, freshmen are stuck in freshmen classes and seniors are stuck in senior classes, all the clubs and shit are boring as hell...it's just a form of hell where you scramble to finish what you can for the day so you can sleep as soon as possible so the end of the semester can come sooner so you can go back home to all the friends you don't have. And then what? What's left for me, robots?

You should try to find a discord, at least. Doesn't matter if it's reddit or Jow Forums or whatever. Didn't work for me, personally, but I think you should try. Even on this horrible website, there are some nice people.
I don't know. I never went to uni. If clubs are boring, why not make them unboring? You introduce yourself. Ask them what they're majoring in. About hobbies. Family. Anything. And then you just keep pushing deeper. Each question builds upon each answer. Obviously, I don't know how to make friends, though. And as soon as I stop talking to people, I become gravely miserable. I imagine uni is a good place, because there are so many people. You can keep trying over and over. But I guess, if you keep failing, it becomes more and more discouraging. I don't know, dude. I would say keep trying. Sounds like shit advice, I know. But what else can we do?

>I feel like things will be worse when I'm in my 30s.
That was what I thought, too. But it hasn't been remotely the case. A lot of us here on the other side have had the same experience. Maturity and perspective are wonderful. I don't even think I did anything to earn them. It just happened as I got older.

So, here's my story, such as it is. I'm moderately seriously mentally ill. Depression mainly. I've been in and out of hospitals a few times. I felt adrift, purposeless, very alone. You know the deal. Apart from my diagnosis probably not much different from a lot of people here. My roommate a while back had at the time a moderate drinking problem. Self-medicating to deal with trauma and the experience of being in his 20s.

Anyway, one of his drinking buddies was a guy with some much more serious trauma and mental illness than either of us had. He lived with his sister a few blocks away and my roommate would go over there at all hours and drink and drink and drink and sing songs and stuff. I eventually met this fellow. For whatever reason he felt an instant connection to me. He'd talk to me for hours and hours, I think because he knew I'd understand. It ultimately wasn't enough to save him, but that was beyond my control and I've made peace with it.

So this guy, he was a bit of a charmer and he was dating this pretty cool lady. She wrote, among other things, fantasy stories. I told her I'd like to take a look at some and she wrote her e-mail address on a card she had in her purse.

That ending sounds like it's supposed to lead somewhere. I will anticipate an ending. I hope my 30s are better than my 20s. And teens. I don't know if you want to know my story. But it's basically jewish mother who converted to evangelical christianity. Father who is a cult leader. Brother who is a schizophrenic rapist (got me). Relatively normal sister but she is dopey and naive (but sweet). I got sick when I was 16. Some unknown illness. Affected my brain. I was really good at science, maths, and piano. But all that's over. Hard to let go of an old identity and find a new one. Very hard. Like if you were to chop off a concert pianist's hands. What would he do? When you mentioned how your roommate had a drinking buddy, it made me think, "How does one find one?". But your post gave me a sliver of hope. That life might improve.

Not much ever came of that. The important part is the card she wrote her info on. It was an advert for a burlesque company that one of my childhood friends had started a few years prior. I live in a pretty conservative place and the neoburlesque movement was essentially unheard of. Her company was the first of its kind here, though we now have a few.

Our grandparents had been close, as had our parents to a lesser extent. We went to the same church and had done church stuff together. I'd not seen her in years. I knew that she'd gotten hooked on drugs, got pregnant, got clean. My mom had told me she'd founded the company and was pretty happy about it, but I'd not seen it.

I'd been making a conscious effort to get out for a while. Going and hanging out with my roommate and his friends was part of that. But it didn't seem to make a difference. I didn't feel like it was working, didn't feel like I had a real connection with anyone. I wasn't sure if I ever had. It was exhausting and felt pointless. The thing you need to know, though, is that I was pushing myself and was healthy enough to actually go out from time to time.

So I get this card and I remember my old friend's company and I decide it's finally time I checked it out. So I see she's got a show coming up and resolve to go. I almost wasn't up to it and ended up missing the first half, but I caught the end. I liked it.

I know it's a common fantasy for your childhood friend to grow up to be a sexy lady, and mine certainly did, but my experience did not mesh with the typical scenario. I quickly realized that however pretty and sexy she was I was not ever going to feel attraction to this person. Too much history, maybe.

You have experience getting over serious cases of oneitis?
The only advice I ever get is cut off contact (not possible) and fuck 5 other girls (also not possible)

That is an interesting story (sincerely). You say that too much history would make a relationship between you two untenable. But, to me, it would be the opposite. That history means something. Good or bad. Usually, it's both. Now, I know I'm younger, so you don't have to listen to me, but I would feel comfort in that history and familiarity. But you have a perspective I don't. Don't you think familiarity is attractive, though?
I don't, personally, like that term. But, yeah. I've only been in love with one girl. and I blocked her out of my mind for a long time. But she came back.

That's rough, man. I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I obviously can't promise that it will get better, but I can assure you that it can get better because it did for me.

As for finding a drinking buddy, it involves going to bars. You probably know how fucked up people can sometimes sense each other's damage? Sharing pain, even quietly, is a big part of it, at least for some people. It was for my roommate and his coterie. I can't recommend it unconditionally, but I will say that it's how he met his girlfriend. They're quite serious. They'll probably get married soon. They also don't drink much anymore.

I have experience in this field, too, but, again, don't know how helpful it will be. I'll see if I can find something to say about it once I finish my story.

So. My old friend. Like I say, I'm not attracted to her and I think that may have helped because I was able to really focus on the artistic and expressive side of her work without being distracted by the sexual side of it. Maybe it wouldn't have been a problem; I'll never know. She welcomes me and we chat and stuff and I start coming to her shows regularly.

It's hard. It's hard to get out and it hurts to be in public and I'm scared all the time and I'm exhausted afterwards and it doesn't feel like it's worth it. But I do genuinely like the ladies in the company. They're nice and creative and brave and hard working. They're artists. I don't dig everything they do, but I respect them and their process and their work.

I'm watching this one gal's act one night. She's this gorgeous alternative belly dancer. Like a lot of these women, she's got her life story etched into her body. I can see in her muscles the years of work she's put in to be able to perform like this. And I have a though...

>Don't you think familiarity is attractive, though?
It can be, yeah. The gal I'm going to talk about after I finish this story is another childhood friend and I was into her for years. I'd always thought that I'd be into something like that. I fantasized that I would be. But with this friend... I don't know. It's hard to describe. I just don't think of her that way. I'm just not into her and it has something to do with our history together.

So I'm watching this belly dancer and I think "Wow. That must make her really hungry."

Now, my dad spent a few years in India during the '60s and I'd eaten a lot of approximations of Indian food growing up and had always had an interest in it and known more about it than most people where I live. My town has a pretty decent desi population these day, but most of them have moved here relatively recently and they're not a huge presence in the broader culture right now and even less so back then. One of the things I did when I started feeling good enough to force myself to get out was take a cooking class from an Indian lady and one of the things I'd learned to make was these vegan samosas.

I figure these ladies probably don't get a chance to have samosas that often (if they even know what they are). They're working so hard up there. This is a pretty small thing I can do to help them out, make their lives a little easier, if only for one night, and show them how much I appreciate them.

So when they do a show, one night during their run, I make a big plate of samosas and bring to them.

As I got to know them a little netter, I was legit surprised by the amount of appreciation and kindness they showed me. And I could tell that it wasn't about the dumb samosas. They really seemed to like me. It was still really hard to get out there, but it was a little easier...

Just letting you know I'm still waiting here for you to finish your story, dude. I am still interested!

Anyway, that's not the thing that really made the difference. This old friend of mine, she's an actress, as well and sometimes she'd be in a play. I'd always been into the theatre, but I'd stopped going years before. The only companies in my town were either these kinda gross nepotistic amateur hour shitshows or this high end prestige yuppy garbage. It hadn't always been so bad, but the mad money rush of the '90s and the slightly lean times that followed washed away any indie spirit or artistic integrity or regard for anyone old people with no taste and the ultra-rich. I was aware of all that but I didn't really think of it in those terms back then. I just stopped going because the smarmy and/or inept plays made me feel absolutely nothing.

So I go to a couple plays my friend is cast in for these weird little indie companies. The first one or two are ok. They're edgy and pretty good but not mind blowing.

Then she's in this play from a little company I'v never heard of. It's in this weird, poorly-lit bar with black velvet paintings on the walls. They serve about three different kinds of cheese sandwiches there but no other food. My roommate and I are the only people in the audience. The play turns out to be a bawdy stoner Millenial deconstruction of the Tempest set in the back country. It's smart and moving and very, very funny. It has references to The Secret World of Alex Mack and the Pokemon TCG. I'm sitting there and laughing and I'm moved. I really feel something. Afterwards, I realize that I'd literally forgotten what good theatre felt like. But this was something intelligent and meaningful with something to say and I feel like it's talking directly to me.

After the show, the company is super warm and appreciative. They tell me how much they appreciate having me in the audience, how good it is to have someone get it. I legit hadn't been doing anything but watching and reacting naturally. They're appreciating me just being my honest self...

I go to their next show. It's an adult comedy horror puppet show. It's raw and weird and funny and, again, very, very smart. A lot goes wrong in the production. Even when the show is bad it's kinda really, really good. I go to more and more of their show. Before long they're inviting me to hang out after, and then hanging out at other times.

I start going to show by other companies. It's finally getting easier. It's no longer as much effort to make myself go out and soon almost none at all. I have several really good friends. Weirdly, people care what I think and want to hear about it.

That was a number of years ago and things are going pretty well. I'm really close with the folks in that company and a few others, besides. For the first time in my life, I know how to be myself. I'm only rarely scared to be in public. Interest in my thoughts is such that I'm looking at starting a video series on the YouTubes about local theater happenings (of which there are a lot these days).

Like I say, I don't know how applicable this is to anything in your life. This is all really personal and in part attributable to my extremely specific circumstances. But hopefully there's something in there that is helpful to you, if only in the abstract. It wasn't so long ago that I was in a really dark, hopeless place and it was impossible for me to imagine it ever getting better. But it did. Like I say, I don't know if it will for you, as well, but I do know that it can.

It's been nice talking with you, dude. I know when people don't say much in their reply it seems like they didn't take in everything you said, but I did. I like drama, too. I wish I had taken it in school, but oh well. I can still see it in shows now. I like talking with people older than me. Because, when I talk to those younger, it makes me feel insecure about my station in life (like I'm supposed to be further on, at may age, y'know). From what you've posted, I think you are cool. And I appreciate your company. I will check out a cabaret or burlesque show. I always teetered on whether or not to see one. But I will see one, thanks to you. I actually am booking one now to see in a few days. Funny how that type of stuff works. Something like an internet conversation (abstract) will get us to try something new (concrete). Oh, and I remember Alex Mack. Just had to let you know that.

Also, I wanted to leave a while ago, but I wanted to finish your story! It feels so nice to connect with someone. And this is something I really needed. I am going to go to have a few more drinks and then go to bed.

It's like, we think our stories are personal and can only apply to us, but they can help others. And others can draw something from them, even if they can't 100% relate. Thanks, man.

Right. So. I had it bad for this one girl from school years ago. Vulnerable, quirky, beautiful, and super, super smart. We'd known each other since... I want to say fourth grade? We weren't super close, though. We became much closer after high school when I introduced her to roleplaying games, something that is one of her prevailing interests to this day.

I'm afraid I don't know exactly how I managed to get over my obsession with her. I do know that I just... don't care anymore. I know that one thing that helped was learning to respect her feeling toward me. Like, legit respect them, not just resentfully obey her wishes. Because, much as I once thought having her love would have made me happy, she's not something for me to have. She's a person and I really do respect her. And if she's not into me I need to be ok with that. Even when we were younger and she had just terrible judgment with relationships I made an effort not to only interfere to the extent that she wanted. She's honestly a much more competent person than I in most respects and they're her decisions to make.

I'm happy to report that she FINALLY found a really good guy and is now happily married. They just had their first kid about a year ago. It's really great.

I wish I had more insight into how I got here. I may post something later on if I think of it, but I've some stuff to do in a while so I doubt I will.

Thanks, man. It was good to talk to you, too.

I hope you find something that really speaks to you. For me, there's nothing like a live performance. I will say that not all burlesque and cabaret are equal. I've found that the stuff I really respond to is the stuff that's really artistically focused or really technically proficient. The stuff that's more about straight up sex, stuff informed by what you'd probably expect from a strip club, tends to leave me flat, both in terms of artistic satisfaction and, honestly, visceral arousal as well. I went to a regular strip club once for a bachelor party and that was enough. Maybe it was just the night I was there (though the stripper I've known indicated this was fairly common) but there was this gross, transactional, mutually disrespectful and exploitative dynamic between the performers and the audience that I found distasteful and very unsexy. That's me, though. Burlesque companies, at least where I am, tend to have a much different atmosphere as well as a higher level of artistry and skill. There's probably a much bigger range in some places, especially hot spots like Las Vegas and around New York City.

Take care.