Well fit. I've posted here about this before, but I've decided to say goodbye one last time and tell my story...

well fit. I've posted here about this before, but I've decided to say goodbye one last time and tell my story. This place meant a lot to me. if you don't want to read my blog post no hard feelings. this is mostly for me anyways

>grow up in a rural small town in the Midwest
>be lanky uncoordinated loser all childhood.
>grew up with a toxic family and was constantly bullied from peers because I was hard of hearing which left me socially unadjusted
>nothing but fights and hazing at school, then I come home and sit in front of the t.v playing the same old vidya or wander aimlessly outside.
>repeat Ad nauseam
>eventually got my hearing fixed with tubes in my ears
>discover the barbell and music at 14
>dedicate all my time to fitness and art. even though I was an outcast but i kept my head down and focused on a my passions
>grow into a broad shoulder 6ft 1 200lb fitizen
>I had no friends. everbody hated me at school and everyone hated me at home I just lifted and studied my feels away. I used to think even though things are a little rough I can still use this time to improve myself as an investment to the future
>even though my highschool football and wrestling career was ended by a devastating acl injury my freshman and senior year, my passion for fitness was ignited. I took up jiu jitsu and kept hitting the weights after highschool
> eventually, after a gap year of saving up for a car so I could commute to college I enrolled as a premed major. during this year i kept on lifting and training and made a qt track star gf. We eventually went our seperate ways after being offered a full ride to a D1 school out of state.
>everything was great, I was playing in a jazz combo, I was studying science, and I was lifting at the college gym
>I made a lot of new friends, had a new girlfriend ect

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> but unfortuntally my FASFA gets drafted for verification. This is done so people can't lie about their income to get aid they shouldn't qualify for
> normally wouldn't be a big deal. just need your house holds tax info, social security, ect .
>but my deadbeat father refuses to sign it
>for a month straight I would beg him to sign it so I could stay in school. He just sat in his fucking lazy boy stuffing his face with junkfood and blowing me off.

>Fight with him to get him to sign it so i could stay and school and apply for scholar ships and grants to avoid debt
>refuses to give me any of the household information
>have to leave school in debt after the first semester
>loose all my college friends and girlfriend
>fall into a severe severe depression
>make some friends at the gym
>we lift on fridays and go out to eat and watch sports
>feels good to finally have some friends
> this time bros decided they want to go to the shittiest dive bar in town
> i didn't want to go but they insisted and i was sitting in the back of the car so whatever
>get there and start drinking (i was 19 at the time but they didn't id)
>this broad comes up on me and starts feeling my shoulders and pecs, giggling and whispering cute shit in my ear
>obviously a slut but i'm drunk and lonely so i flirt back and pinch her ass.
> turns out her fucking boyfriend was there, about 6foot 230lbs soft redneck fat fuck
>he is sober and corners me and threatens to beat the shit out of me and demands i apoligize.
>i say i didn't know you were a couple and apoligize
>not good enough for him, he demands i stand up and face him like a man
>i do, and crack him right in the jaw, he falls and hits his head on the cement floor.
>oh fuck, i leave and walk the 8 miles home taking the back roads. I see several police cars speed by me towards the bar as i leave.

see you tomorrow.

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>3 weeks later i recieve a call from a police officer charging me for assault.
>the legal proceddings take 11 months, During this time i met a green beret at the gym. he spoke 3 languages, strong as fuck, traveled the work, and has a killer beard.
>souned like a meaningful life and something to strive for.
>decide to enlist myself. took the asvab and got an 85, did well on a mock pt test and trained my ass off.
>nothing but ruck marching, running, and compound movements in the gym. i was leaner, faster, and stronger than i had ever been
> i trained harder than i ever had in my life. I was determined to get the hell out of this bumfuck town and make a life for myself.
>have to go to jail and spend time in house arrest
> not fun but only a minor setback.
>serve my time and i'm a month away from OSUT on an 18x contract
> lifting in the gym and i Feel a twinge in my low back when squatting my warm up
>take 2 weeks off to work on mobility and start lifting again
>deadlifting my warmup and i feel decent. Up the weight to my working set and i get an agonizing burn in my low back
>think its just a strain but the pain never leaves and i postpone going to osut

> eventually get an MRI
> Degenerative disc disease in my 2 lowest discs. no intervention was offered due to my young age. i was simply reffered to pain management. Its not congential because i had an mri 4 years back after straing my lumbar doing farm work and i came back perfect
>I'm only 20 fucking years old.
>i fucking did this to myself chronically over training over a long period of time to cope with my demons.
>back out of my contract due to chronic pain.
>the pain causes me to stop lifting I go from 210 lean to 180 sickly skinnyfat because i stopped training and eating.
>have a nervous breakdown about once every other day,
>Went through 30 sessions of physical thearpy. pain mildy improves but it never stops
>had to spend thanksgiving and christmas on the floor due to pain.
>also briefly become homeless due to domestic issues. but that was the least of my fucking problems
> no end in sight.

no you won't I stopped browsing fit after I got injured and had to stop training

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So about last month i decided it was finally time to end my life. I have no friends, no oppurtunity for education, debt, a criminal record, and lost my fitness that i spent thousands of hours working on
But all of that is petty shit. I'm really killing myself because Chronic pain robbed me of my freedom at 20 years old, and i'm left with no direction and lonliness. thankfully though i'm no longer in agony but i'm still suffering. Its a bit of a process getting used to chronic pain.

so i went in to a local pawn shop to trade in my jazz guitars for a shotgun. turns out i'm still techinally on probation for another few months. So in the mean time i'm just trying to ease my suffering,
to help pass the time i took up a spin class i go to twice a week and i'm playing jazz again. I've kind of just accepted that my life just got fucked. I used have alot of self hate in my heart but i've decieded to forgive myself. I have no regreats because although i may have failed i have tried my best.

at the end of april i will be going into the woods with a shotgun and a bottle of whiskey and will be leaving this life behind. i sometimes wake up and i just can't believe how my life was pretty much destroyed in only a year's time. I aked god about 1000 times to show me a path to follow and i will walk it. But he never responded to my prayers.

the moral of the story is tp work a shit ton of reverse hyper extensions if you lift and grapple so you don't jumpstart the degenerative process of your spine.

i hope i can train in the afterlife.

can you get a surgery? there is always a way out. do not give up.

no the only surgery i could get is fusion with rods and screws. but due to my young age it would only degrade the adjacent segments of my spine.

they do have new artificial discs developed abroad but they are extremely expensive and come with risks. even if I wanted to I could never afford it due to being poor,uneducated, and in chronic pain.

learn from my mistakes. Don't chronically overtrain and take care of yourself.

God loves you, user. There's too much living to be done for you to give up now. Even if you think there's no way forward for you there are still many things you could accomplish to fully utilize the life you were given. I'm sorry you've had a crooked path.

Cool story bro. Make sure to leave your phone unlocked and nearby so you can make one last post telling us what it’s like to be a ghost

You are so immature and so fickle. You think life is over because you were dealt a bad hand? You're barely 21. What a fucking faggot.

if god loves me why won't he forgive me? why won't he show me a path. My entire life has been withered down to chronic pain and lonliness.

I had to leave school, I lost my contract to the military, I lost my freedom, and I lost my fitness.

I have no real friends, and my family hates me.

everything I cared about has rotted away. I've begged god a hundred times to forgive me and show me a way forward because I've tried everything I can think.

if he loves me I hope he won't condemn me to hell when I go visit soon.

lol I would if I owned a phone bro

Meh, you’re already fucked, just become a PTSD-addled veteran when Drumpgldhf wages another foreign war in the name of the funny hat people and live the rest of your life on welfare doing hard drugs and bangin whores

dude, chronic pain is still much better than death. for all you know its nothing but fucking emptiness. no one knows anything about afterlife by definition.

get yourself fixed up to the best of your ability and get your life back on track instead of wallowing in sadness

you sound like someone who isn't in chronic pain.

Imagine how it would feel if you had a knife in a spine all day long causing you pain 24/7. constanting causing your muscles to spasm and burn

your a citizen so imagine if you could never lift again and had to give up all the things you love

i'm in so much physical pain I can't sit at a desk for more than 20 minutes. I can't drive more than 30 without being in terrible pain.

your right, I am only 20. this is what makes this so much worse. I just got my freedom and now i'm watching it rot away.

if it wasn't for the degenerative disc disease in my spine I would keep on fighting, but now i'm physically unable to

chronic pain is hell on earth. I am constantly looking forward to it. every moment is physically suffering

I don't care weather there is an afterlife or nothing. I just want it to be over

>dealt a bad hand
>barely 21
21 is ironically the best hand you can be dealt...

*fitizen

Ok but at least kill your dad and the bar guy with the shotgun...

You should have stood your ground after you punched him and told the cops he was threatening your life. Once someone threatens your life the rest is self defense. Animals who panic end up in bad situations.

I mean he was on the floor knocked out. I just got up and left before his buddies jumped me.it wasn't like I sprinted away or anything. but whatever, it doesn't matter now

nobody cares just file your own tax return and fill out your own fafsa you entitled faggot

Never leave the scene unless you are guilty. Once you leave the scene your version of events do not matter. Are you black?

no those fuckers claimed me as an dependent. in my state unless you were emancipated you have to have your parents info on it if you are under 24 years old

I pay rent, and buy all my own shit. it is fucking ridiculous

no white. first time I had to deal with something like this

okay then emancipate yourself lmfao

Dude, I know life sucks for you right now, but don’t give up. Yes, it may seem like hell now, but there’s always room for improvement.

Assuming you live in the States, maybe move somewhere medicinal marijuana is allowed, great pain relief. Get a job programming shit so you can work from home and do some yoga. Worst case scenario you’re high all the time, have a good income and stare at ass in them yoga pants everyday. Or do something else, whatever floats your boat. But remember that there are always ways to improve your life.

You sound like a guy who has discipline and willpower, that means you can get pretty far in life, don’t give up now!

t. Dutchbro

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that is a legal fucking nightmare and the least of my concerns right now.

if you actually read the whole post i'm more concerned with the rotting discs in my fucking spine

you are fine then.

Life is hard, it only gets harder, but you take it, and keep on taking it. That is what makes you a man. Leave the complaining for women and children and life will always be good for you.

Long story short I grew up in a very abusive home and was able to make a good life for myself and I am black. You can do the same for yourself. Never lose hope. This thread is a cry for help and I will help as much as I can without coddling you. Nobody cares about the next person's life story because it is rough all over. Remember that. I have lived with chronic pain for 2 decades and it only gets worse. My shoulder was forcibly dislocated when I was younger.

Life is a gift, do not throw it away.

Listen. You were given one chance at life. You can’t let a bad hand cause the end of your own life. There are steps to be taken, seek more thorough physical therapy, try to do some pool activities if water helps ease the pain, invest in medical marijuana, emancipate yourself from your parents, take up yoga lessons, do whatever you have to do, just keep going. Don’t give in, don’t let the devil win. The Lord is testing your strength, show him what you’re able to accomplish and He will reward you. Life isn’t automatically easy. Keep going.

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thanks Dutch bro. but unfortuentally i'm to poor to move and the pain makes it really hard for me to focus.

I still work out though. I just have to do it differently, and it makes me feel better.

But ultimately I just got fucked over and I don't want to play anymore. I never used to be a quitter never thought I would end up like this.

I just wanted to say goodbye. I;'ll never be able to squat or deadlift like I used to and the pain is getting to me.

there isn't any grand adventures or great trials waiting for me. there is no journey. there is just me rotting away in this small town with constant pain.

I used to be so full of ambition and dreams and everything has just been taken away from me.

every attempt I make to move forward gets stonewalled. the military is no longer an option. school is no longer an option, lifting is no longer an option.

The pain has also taken my edge away mentally. I used to be really sharp and now I feel like I'm living in a haze.

there is nothing left to fight. No monsters to slay, to goals to achieve.

Just this


maybe. but shoulder injuries are easier to cope with than spinal injuries.

Checked your blessed quads brother

There is a possible way out of back pain. McGill exercises and yoga or other core and posture benefiting practice are a good option.

GIVE IT TO 30 AT LEAST, user. YOU CAN DO IT.

WORK A JOB AND INVEST IN SOME CRYPTOS THAT COULD SKYROCKET LIKE CHAINLINK. DONT GIVE UP THIS EASILY. WE ARE HERE FOR (YOU).

I worked my ass off doing the mgill big 3 religiously. I helps, and my posture is perfect again and I don't have a list anymore but i'm still in constant fucking pain.

literally all I have been doing for the past 10 months since I've been injuried is doing pt and rehab and reading every article on rehab I could find.

I did about 20 normal pt sessions, and about 30 with a pt and a strength coach but unfortunately my pain isn't coming from a muscle or a ligament its the degenerated disc.

in most cases that doesn't cause pain but it does in my case so i'm just fucked

Ay bb you live in Texas? I'll hang out. I will be roadtripping across the US in a couple months, down to swing by and meet up then as well.

I also had to quit jiu jitsu due to chronic back pain from a herniated disc, and have an oppressive family life. I'm 24, nearly 25, and it feels like I'm just now beginning to live my life. Working a few months to save up so I can travel, lost some weight, and have made other positive changes as well.

Trust me man, I've been in very dark places mentally myself. There have been long times where I just didn't want to be alive anymore. But your life isn't over, bro. Every day is a chance to begin afresh. I'd start with a visit to a specialist for your back; chronic back pain from disc issues can be solved by surgery or even managed with steroid shots and physical therapy. I have a friend who had surgery for it, he's doing great.

Anyway, if you're interested in talking or meeting up, reply to this post. I'm @uhnonnymoose on Kik and NemoKhan#4980 on Discord, if anyone else needs to talk or just wants a bro add me as well, idgaf.

If you don't have any of those contact methods just reply to me with what works for you. And if you decide not to, my final message would be not to lose hope. You think you've already passed your peak but I think there is much further you can go. Good luck my fellow Jow Forumsizen, and excelsior.

I don't care about money or investing. I just want to Lift weights I go back to school. Now due to the pain I can't do either.

I'm giving it till the end of my "probation"

CBD oil? Seek another opinion about surgery. Doctors are faggots that don't take your pain seriously enough if you are young.

lol nah i'm in ohio. I don't see why you would come up this way but if your around I would be down.

Yeah I'll be heading up through the Midwest to meet other friends I've made online, so going through Ohio will probably happen naturally anyway along my path. How can I keep in contact with you?

i have moderate grade chronic pain in my cervical vertebrate disks and adjoint muscles from years of poor posture-i feel you bro this shit sucks but i honestly dont want you to kill yourself. i want you to know that out there somewhere is a dude on the internet who also struggled with suicidal thoughts and that he loves and cares about you. we are your people here, and there are many other people out there who are willing and would be thrilled to be there for you as well. youre young, i promise you the world is a better place with you in it.

hold on I will make an email account. I don't have a cell phone or discord

Do a barrel roll

[email protected]

here I made it just for you

I don't know man. i'm pretty laid up from this injury and I just don't enjoy like anymore.

my fire has burnt out. I'm just trying to enjoy what I can while I can

how? i'm shooting myself in the head not jumping of a building

Sounds good my dude I'll email you

Don’t do it. You’re still here for a reason. If God wanted you dead he would have done it already. Every failure brings with it the seed of an equilivant success. I’ve gone through numerous failures that crushed my dreams and made me feel like my life is over, only to have even greater successes in the future. Problems seem 10x worse in the moment than they do looking back. Remember you only get one life, there are no restarts. You need to start from where you stand and make the lost of it. “A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often serves simply as something to aim at”

Did I fuck up or did you not make the email yet?

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hold on I forgot to click on the privacy agreement. its finished try again

Don't do it user. I love you.

There's not question you're in a bad place right now, but you can always pull out of it. You owe it to yourself.

You like music right? There's something there, pursue that. There's a million possible careers in music – you're going to have to feel around in the dark but you've got the constitution to do it.

Hey user I have a kind of similar story. I was gonna do 18x but my credit sucks from growing up poor and having shit parents so I couldn't get a clearance. Still trying to pay off my debt at 24

Good luck to you and fuck DDD

Alright emailed you again pal

yeah I thought about it but i'm not good enough at jazz to make it happen.

I didn't want to end up like this but I just don't enjoy living in pain anymore.

and it isn't just the pain, its the lonliness, lack of movement, and loss.

I've tried everything I can think of and this is checkmate.

alright I replied. thanks man

be a skyking.

>shotgun
you are going to split your face open and not die or die in agony after long hours

that does sound appealing....

shotgun in mouth pointed at the brainstem should be an instant death

I'm not expecting too much from a suicidal guy

if you use a shotgun you'll just be another faggot who killed himself and left a messy cleaning job.
Die living.

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lostallhope.com/suicide-methods/statistics-most-lethal-methods

you've planted the seeds. how should I get it done?

Fuck it dude come to Europe and get pain management for free

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Don't die in vain

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I normally don't post often but your story is similar to mine.

>2007 fitizen, 18 years old
>football player, doing ok at university
>squatting 600 lbs, bar slides over and went wrong, busted 3 knee ligaments completely, career over
>six months without being able to walk
>gf left me because I became depressed and insuffereable
>every time I run or train knee hurts
>parents divorce, I believe due to the added stress of having a couch potato for son
>uncle gives me his old motorcycle to help me get my adrenaline rush back, it kind of worked
> back to university, starting adding weight but vidya, kept me busy
>crashed to a truck hip and discs injury
>depressed
>considering suicide every day
>decide on it, but I take an mental illness approach into it, I went to a psychologist, if I get no cure I'm out
>therapy is effective, over 10 years I ve replaced what I just to be with new perks, became an engineer, doing ok with a loving gf, I returned to Jow Forums just to browse and I'm doing small hikings and swimmings

A man is what a man does, if you lose the faculty to train, you have to replace it with something else. It's hard to fail of you have tested success before.

You are not completely sold on killing yourself, that's why you are posting and waiting. This is your wake up call. Start doing something. Get your mind in order and start filling your life with something else. See some Jordan Peterson in YouTube or even better go to a psych.

Best of luck bro been there and I wish you the best.

You're a good dood user

Don't give up yet, liftin aint everything its only a part of improving yourself. Find New hobbies, New ways to make a living and fuck that toxic family u have.

you'll find someone someday thatll ease ur loneliness
school is gay and military is overrated (im in it sucks)
fuck ur senpai you make a new one
ur just copping out man, why use a permanent solution to a temporary problem

>and then everyone clapped

>Have to kill myself because of no healthcare
This is so fucking American.

Sisu op, look it up.

Hey man, I had it easier than you.
But still I recognize real - the feeling of trying your best despite circumstance and still having shit shot in your face.

I wanna say hol up (lol) keep holding on. You are young and you can find new meaning.
Myself am suicidal last few days so maybe am not best advice giver since Im tired of trying and putting effort for nothing.
Im thinking maybe some of us just arent meant to be.
But for whatever reason - find smth u love. And read Power of your subconscious mind by Joseph Murphy. It helped me a lot to experience thinga I never dreamed possible.

Yet Im here so take it as u want, but for real it might change ur life.
Take care.
Pls.

Sometimes, the right path just doesnt just lay on the way and you gotta be patient man. Pretty sure joining the Army wouldve killed you in a Heartbeat Dome accident yadayada and Gods Plan lays somewhere else with you. Dont give up, now that you came so far.
Sorry for broken English tho

I lift for you today bro.

Tl;dr

Dude if you have the capacity of willpower to do all those things you described, you should pretty much be able to do almost anything you strive for.

There is something very symbolic about going through hell. It's where you go to transform. You need to keep pushing. Keep persevering. I was honestly inspired by the fact that you strive for an education and a military career despite so many setbacks, if what you said is true.

Today, I lift for you.

My 20s were my worst, I'm glad I didn't off myself then though, I'm 38 now in the best shape of my life and for the first time in my life financially secure and genuinely happy, don't choose the permanent solution to a temporary problem.

That's tough. I wouldn't recommend you to kill yourself, but if you do, kill your father too. Bring him to the woods, make he regret being one of the reasons your life is so fucked up right now. He deserves it.

By the way, I have chronical pain too, but CBD takes almost all of it away and my family supports me.

Bro...
Why didn’t your father sign and give you the information needed? Shouldn’t parents be looking out for their children? Don’t they want to see them succeed? Think well about what you’re gonna do, may god be with you friend

Stop thinking along the lines of opting-out, user. If for nothing else, you don't want to give the assholes in your life the satisfaction. They have dismissed you and not recognized your potential. The way that you screw them is to succeed not fail! I had a seventh grade teacher that told me that I was a loser and I would never amount to anything. Now I'm twice as successful as her or her husband by any measure. You need to do the same thing. You had a couple of false starts - it is no problem, just try something else.

Now advice:
>take a very long time off of heavy lifting. You have to heal
>Consider the trades. You can get a free or nearly free education and make tons of money. Check out technical schools or unions in your area if you don't know where to start.
>Let your life unfold naturally. Just do things that contribute to success, and little-by-little you will become successful.

Last entry in my blog post response to your blog post. Don't say goodbye to Jow Forums. I'm an oldfag and an old fart. There are a lot of young fitizens that need your experience and advice. This world is actively trying to destroy men and masculinity and the young guys need advice from someone.

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user read the power of now. Hopefully it will help.

>I have no friends

you have us here fren. a LOT of people don't have IRL friends. don't compare yourself to social media

>no oppurtunity for education

learn to code. take cc classes. you can do something man, forget that university BS that happened. You're not the only person that went to uni, something happened, and then didn't go back.

> debt

being in debt is bad. unfortunately it is something we all deal with daily given this is America after all.

> a criminal record

I came close to this. went through a bad period where I was desperate and was engaging in not so legal/moral behavior. i've put it in the past and am on my way to becoming a better person. so can you.

> lost my fitness that i spent thousands of hours working on

me too man. Used to be lean in college, lots of mires from women, etc. got a gf, became depressed, and gained a lot of weight. she cheated on me. spent many years in a phase where I just didn't have a purpose. It's very very hard to lose gains and then try to get back on the wagon.

>I'm really killing myself because Chronic pain robbed me of my freedom at 20 years old

what is the chronic pain? is it Ankylosing spondylitis?

> i sometimes wake up and i just can't believe how my life was pretty much destroyed in only a year's time

the crazy part is, as fast as it was destroyed, it can come up as fast as well.

I think it's pretty hard because you grew up in an abusive family and for the first time, got a glimmer of hope out of it. You felt like you had a purpose and direction and life was great. Then it spiraled back down to the bottom again. That's really really really hard to be at the bottom and find the strength to move forward again. I can't imagine the pain you are currently in and I am sorry for it. but it is the human condition to struggle and forge ahead. Maybe if you get through this, you can inspire others to do the same (if they have the same condition). Then you'll have purpose. Who knows man. Don't do it.

I see you, OP. Sorry for everything. I'll be thinking of you.

Keep playing music. There are tons of miserable musicians who recorded great things. and get in contact with your old friends. I'm sure at least one of them would want to help out.

i'll lift for you today

Hey user. May I introduce you to Buddhism. Many ppl I know or read about have their lives completely changed around because of it. I myself have experienced some very unexpectedly good changes by following the teaching of Buddha. It's very simple really: you don't drink alcohol, don't lie, don't harm any lives (i suggest a vegetarian diet), don't steal and don't commit adultery. I think the concept of reincarnation isn't strange to you. We're not going to go in depth about the legitimacy of it, but just try to think that no entity is inflicting all this pain onto you. What happened to you now is the result of your actions in the past lives. You fucked up, just like all of mankind and now the karma is coming back to you. Believe that one day the pain will stop and you'll survive it. Keep God in your heart, he will keep your heart strong. But you have to carry your own weight, may it be the pl8 or the consequences of your actions. Head up user, one day wel will all make it. Trust me.

Hey I am in South Western Ohio. Where you at?

come to niggerland (argentina), we have free healthcare

we also have free public education btw

I’m so sorry OP. If I can say one thing it would be please please please don’t feel like god has abandoned you and that this is what is meant for you, or your only option. I’m not gonna sit here and pretend to know what your situation is like, or tell you what to do, but please just consider this:
>neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, [39] Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God.
user as hard as it is right now god is still there by your side, even though it feels as though he has abandoned you. And that means that you have a future, a future that I’m begging you not to give up on now. Please please please reconsider. Talk to someone, anyone, about this.

I hope you will change your mind.

Yea I suggested earlier that he reads "the power of now"; which has Buddhist teachings in it. What I found interesting is that those teachings and principles are already in theistic religions; but they have bren obscures/people don't pay much attention to em anymore

Also OP I'm a muslimfag and this small Quranic chapter helps me through tough times.

"Did We not expand for you, [O Muhammad], your breast?

And We removed from you your burden

Which had weighed upon your back.

And raised high for you your repute.

For indeed, with hardship will be ease.

Indeed, with hardship will be ease."

Whenever you feel shit, just think about all the other people in the world who have it worse than you. Don't give up user.

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good advice laughter is the best medicine

DON'T GIVE UP ! You are better then this. You put a lot of work and you will put much more, dont give up.

You probably made your mind up for sure already. But read every anons words and understand this isn’t the correct path. You have to postpone it. Wait till next year. Do you really not want to have your body make it in to 2020? I know you care nothing about this life anymore, but what if that’s your year? I have 2 herniated discs that I can feel day to day, minute by minute. I stopped lifting 6 years ago after I got massive because my gym bro, that always hyped me up, left for West Point. He was my only friend at the time. But I immediately found >tfw gf after so I got fat and lazy. I never had any friends really, all 4 years of Hs I sat alone at lunchtime or at the library looking at mustang chassis. Senior year of Hs I took up wrestling and fucked my knee up. (Mpfl tear) dislocated and further ducked my knee up about 6 times until I got surgery. I have horrible IBS that holds me in bed for hours some mornings. I can’t eat until around 6 hours after I wake up, even though I’m hungry, but if I try il puke. And if I don’t eat in like an hour window after those 6 hours my acids build up and I can’t eat for hours again. I learned as you did verification is a bitch and I lost my FAFSA. Gf cheating on me multiple times put me in a depressive state and I pretty much failed all of my classes from self spite as well. I’m 24 now. I’ve contemplated what you are contemplating, man. But dude Hell is real and you don’t want to go there just because you have back pain and some other temporary things. Because if Hell IS real then you’ll have way more than back pain to worry about for the rest of eternity. I’m 24 now. After years of this, my problems are just now incrementally getting better.
Read the New Testament. If you don’t have a bible or can’t afford it, then go to a church. Just try everything you can before you go, cause man, it’s a very permanent solution