Jow Forums open mic night

So, you wanna hear a joke then, huh?

...ahem...

keto

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Here's a funny one: there are people on this board that mistake gaining muscle with gaining acceptance with their peers

Ahahahahahahaaaa I’m so lonely
What did the girl say to the Jow Forumsizen? She didn’t respond! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
GET IT???????????

I'M SO HORNY AND LONELY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Alright alright now that the opening acts are done.

*tap, tap, tap*
>ahem
>OP’s bench max

GOT HIS ASS

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>heeeeeeyyo, how's everybody doing tonight?!

*crowd cheers*

>you know i always love coming back to Jow Forums, lets make some noise for Jow Forums, yeah!

*crowd cheers even louder*

>you know what the funniest thing about Jow Forums is?

*someone in the crowd yells "what?"*

*pause for comedic affect*

>YOU'RE ONE REP MAX!!!!

*crowd goes crazy*

>THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!

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Got some hecklers in the audience tonight, huh? Hold onto your hats everyone, this could get wild!

I used to lift weights i still do. Weights are great, healthy...ya know people always say lifting weights is healthy, whats healthy about crippling insecurity and body dysmorphia? but seriously its gotta be better for you than suicide...haha.

Ok everyone that was.... interesting. Coming up next, I know you’re gonna love this gal. Let’s keep it going for Anonette!

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Hey Tom, Theo fucked your wife with his big Polish aristocrat cock.

HOT POCKET

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So one day i was squatting, ive got 450 on the bar, I'm exploring uncharted territory here. I get to my last rep and im pushing like a woman giving birth i got veins coming out my forehead that are thicker than my dick and my whole head looks like a ball sack with 10 rubberbands around its base. I get the fucking thing up, i drop to my knees light headed and sweating, and that's when i smelled it
>oh fuck i thought
I didn't even think i immedietly went straight for the door. As I'm about to leave i hear
>hey user
I turn around in shame and there is Chad holding my squat plug in his hand, he smirks to me and says
>feeling fit, buddy?

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I took my wife to the gym the other day. She asked why it took me so long to change after the work out. I said that it took Tyrone a little longer than I expect to bust his nut. She shook her said and said "Really? he only took 5 minutes with me"

>wh-what, me? Me? Oh shit, haha
>nah man, not me, pick somebody else
>haha, shit, you guys are bastards
>ok, ok, I'm coming up. You filming this, Chris?
>This is gonna be all over Insta tomorrow morning, yeah Chris? Haha, you son of a bitch man
>ok, ok, shit
>this thing on? *knock knock*
>one two, one two, can you hear me? This piece of shit on?
>haha, damn, I'm shitting myself
>ok, ok, good evening everyone, you all having a good night, yeah?
>my name's user, haha, and, uh, I'm an admin assistant, and, uh, yeah my friends are total assholes, haha. I am so gonna get you guys back for this, haha
>Ok, so, uh
>I, uh, only really know one joke and it goes like this
>haha, ok, so
>FUCK JANNIES, FUCK TRANNIES, AND FUCK NIGGERS

I'm pretty lonely. I just want someone to love me like a girl in her 20's loves a dog she has never seen before.

The question is did it happen before tom married her.

Not sure if you saw the interview with them both but she got all handsy with Theo on camera and then caught herself. Either way I don’t find her funny and she wouldn’t have a career without Tom. Not even sure why she’s half of his podcast

kek

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>what?
>Anonette?
>Anonette's here??
>gril?
>gril?
>gril! Gril! GRIL! GRIIIIIL!
>L O N D O N
>COPENHAGEN
>lol cope
>MELBOURNE
>POST BODY
>*crowd breaks into riots and turns into an international moshpit*

BOOOOO
YOU GUYS SUCK

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america is a melting pot right? is that why they look like 3 people melted into one?

Thanks Tom! Keep it going for your host everyone!

Wow what a great audience we have tonight. I would never fuck any of you, and I fuck random dudes all the time!

So anyway, it’s hard for me to lift a lot... because of my VAGINA!

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Having fun tonight sir? Where ya from?

YOU'RE GOING TO HECKLE ME, HUH NIGGER?!

I'VE HAD ENOUGH!

youtube.com/watch?time_continue=3&v=amjUNF_R_PY

>The question is did it happen before tom married her.
I don't think that question matters. Theo is younger and more attractive than Tom, and Theo's family is fucking loaded, they have palaces in Poland that they retained even during Soviet rule because they were just that important. He's legit European nobility, with castles and shit.

h-hey how's i- ho- how's it going tonight h-hahah hello guys
n-no i .. stop i didn't tell the joke yet
s-stop laughing, it's not funny
h-hah, got you that was the j-joke, t-that's *sob* all for me!

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this ironically made me laugh out loud.

at you, that is.

rent free

Joe Rogan is creating a group of awful comedians who people take seriously. Tom Segura and Brendan Schaub don't deserve Netflix specials.

I bet you wish that microphone was a giant dick you unfunny bald fuck boy

hahahahahahahahah
where can i send you money?

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Meta

Um, my gf broke up with me bc I shouted 'you fucking nugget' at the TV when we were watching love Island and everyone thought I said the n word. I'm still reeling from the absurdity of my life lads to be honest. I was really falling for her and I've lost her over nothing

We all have that one shy friend haha.

fucking based.

Hello rddit!

thats why i hate niggers. even when they aren't involved, they still manage to ruin everything.

>Implying being fit is not a major social bonus.

Post body, CopeyMcgee. Are you DYEL or a fattie?

I have no idea who 2 of those 3 people are.

I am Amy Schumers agent and I must ask you to cease and desist using material from her upcoming tour

Wow, that was funny AND brave! Ok everyone up next we have a very special guest. He came all the way from Jow Forums to be here tonight... please put your hands together for Mr. Elliot Rodger!

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Brendon Sichuan definitely doesn’t. As far as I could tell his comedy is mostly about funny things his comedian friends have said or done. That would be like if I went to a Louis ck show and then regurgitated parts of his set I liked. I think Tom has some funny bits in his shows, but schuab definitely needs to stay out. Nigga bothers me, I just dislike his personality

THIS GUY BETTER BE GOOD OR I'M OUTTA HERE

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Now, please help me welcome to the stage, this is a two-man act...

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based
reddit

cringe

OY, FAG WITH THE MIC

POST BODY

Kek

>I just came outta the squat rack and boy are my arms tired

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vidrig fisk

>everything anyone says is reddit
summer has well and truly arrived

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Good evening folks! Any incels in the crowd tonight? I'm going to read an excerpt from my blog, this is just for you guys!

I excused myself as soon as I finished eating, and boy did I stuff myself on that meal. I then walked outside onto the beach. The wine had long since gone to my head, making me feel a sense of dizzy invigoration. I started walking along the shore, taking in the magnificence of the gentle, moonlit ocean. It was so... romantic. I kept walking and walking with no destination in mind. The romance of it all filled me with despair and longing. I wanted a girlfriend to experience that moment with me, but no girl wanted to be my girlfriend. The only thing I could do was imagine how heavenly it would be to have a beautiful girl by my side. It is such a shameful tragedy.

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i dont know any jokes. i have always wanted to be a comedian though. i told my friends that i wanted to be a comedian but they all just laughed at me.

>9/11

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Jamal was Asian!
DICEY DICEY! GADOOSH

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