ITT: depression stories
Dad's driving me to school. The day before I had gone to a youth councellor thing.
>So user, mum told me you went to (councillor)
>Yeah
>Do you think there's anything we could do?
>Nah
>I-I see
Moment of silence
>S-sounds like there's something wrong with the tire, I'll go check the air pressure..
>Ok
Dad goes behind the car to cry
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>Little brother says mom wont wake up
>Already processing visual sensory input
>shes blue and not moving
>Little brother doesn't seem to understand, first experience with death
>All the life drained out of me at the first sight. I feel like a wisp, dust in cold air.
>Head over, stroke her cheek. It's cold. At least I told her I loved her last night.
>Check her pulse, maybe Im just dumb and the window was open. She'll wake up of course. She has always been there before. A little voice inside me says
>I knew better though. I knew I was lying to myself.
>She died in her sleep.
>Tell brother she died, call my dad.
>Cops and paramedics are on scene. I called 911. I told them she had been gone too long. The lady on the phone insisted I perform CPR. I reported her limbs were already stiff. Dont give up hope sir. We are on our way. When the paramedics arrived, they tried in vain while my brothers sat scared on the couch. They gave me the look.
>I'm sorry, there was nothing we could do. Do you have somebody to call? I responded I already had.
>My dad arrives, breaks down in tears as he walks through the door, confirming the paramedics were at our house. I maintain a calm state, shed a few tears. Hug him. Quickly move him to my younger brothers.
>I didn't cry, until my Uncle entered the house. The strongman I had known up until I could appreciate just how hard my dad worked to bring us Christmas. He said I--m and then started sobbing sorry. I broke down at this point and cant remember much except empty lonely pain. Family friends had converged on the house.
It hurts to remember how empty I was.
>no energy
>nothing is fun
>feel nothing
>don't do anything but watch TV all day while browsing Jow Forums for no reason other than to pass the time before I can get to sleep again
The end
The saddest strories are the ones we relate to the most :(
Big same, but with emulators instead of TV.
That's awful, I'm sorry. When my dad died it was the beginning of the end for me. Nothing but regrets and survivor's guilt since then. At least I got to see him in the hospital and in the casket for closure.
Do you have the Autopsy? Why did she die in her sleep? Was she old?
>wake up cursing im alive
>check phone incase my drug dealer has an offer for me to get free drugs
>reach off the end of my bed and turn on pc
>vidya and youtube for hours
>passive aggressive stepmom blames everything on me
>wont let me close the door because precious step brother
>brother and dad try to make conversion
>stay up until i can fall asleep
>lay in bed praying for death
>rinse repeat
Feel this.
Don't even enjoy things I used like, like gaming or drawing.
Just browse all day until I find something interesting enough to light up the receptors in my brain for a few seconds until I go back to realizing it doesn't matter and scroll on ahead.
TV show, movies, anime, I don't even have the patience to finish them anymore. It just feels pointless, since I have nothing to work towards besides more of the same..
So much this. Bringing myself to do anything literally hurts me. It got worse since spring started.
>zoloft
>can't cum
>porn isnt fun anymore
>start stalking ex again on instagram
>it's been 5 years
>wtf where have I been in five years
>23 now, still in college, same part time job, same depression
This but I'm out of college with a shirt degree and I didn't have a gf till just earlier this year
in elementary school i was on a 3 day school trip with a teacher who didn't give a fuck. i wandered off by myself and got raped.
Shirt degree? Are you a tailor?
Are you a guy? How has it affected your life?
i'm a girl. up until i was maybe 12 i was afraid of all men. i've been in therapy since i was 10 and in various psych wards. i can't have a normal sex life.
if I didnt have alcohol and the ritalin my parents make sure I keep getting prescribed, I dont know what I would do. Even with that I just lay in bed, without it I'd do the same except I'd feel bored, tired, and miserable
feeling the effects of the medication and extending them through alcohol is what I look forward to, can anyone else relate?
So you have never been able to have sex without it triggering those memories?
Here's the events that led to me being put in the mental institution for a week when I was 18
>go to school one morning
>sitting around a table with friends talking
>start to feel cold sweats and fading out of the convo
>go to school councilor
>tell them I'm sad all the time and nervous too
>start seeing a psychiatrist wave therapist for a while
>fast forward to summer and after graduating hs
>see my therapist
>tell her I've been thinking about killing myself lately
>she tells me that I don't need to be locked up but I have to call my parents and tell them myself
>call my parents
>tell them I think about an hero
>they come to the therapist office
>huge arguments between everybody
>I pass out on the couch from everything
>wake up to a phone ringing
>pick it up
>"hello, user. This is officer Martin. Your family is here and there are other officers. Can you come out?"
>walk out of the office to see two cops pointing guns at me and my family crying
>cops take me to an ambulance where they get me to the mental place
>hate everything still
pretty much. now i've chosen to just not have sex
>guy wants to kill himself
>point guns at him
AMERICA
Sorry shit is so bad... Are you at least able to cuddle without getting triggered?
>ready to do the deed tier depressed for about a year and a half
>convince myself to keep living by forcing myself to stay alive for things in the future
>pretty much decide that the youth camp I grew up going to was the last thing I wanted to experience
>for the last 10 or so years it's the most positive week of my life, as a student or a volunteer
>get there and have a good time because that place is essentially heaven on earth
>a student, and family friend, latches onto me
>every morning we eat breakfast together
>every moment of down time we're together
>every time we have to stand back and talk we take it
>we already had a bit of a sibling relationship before the camp
>one of the nights we're hanging out and she leans against me
>give her a hard time about it
>she says "I don't know why I even put up with you"
>ask her why she does coyly
>"B-because I love you."
>unironically have the will to live ever since
Dunno if this is depression posting or not but here goes.
>2 years ago, high school
>school year about to end
>things are okay, but the beginnings of cracks are forming in my psyche
>occasionally in class I'll dream of dying in some sort of conflict or whatever
>usual hallucination occurs, whatever
>ffw to next day
>start up again
>"yeah yeah whatever, nothing much"
>rapidly intensifies
>impossible to tell whether real or not at this point
>goes on for an hour through lunch, it's almost over
>my muscles are starting to weaken, even though I'm becoming more and more anxious about this fucked up wonderland I'm stumbling about in
>"why the fuck is the wall an ocean lmao"
Cont
thanks, it's ok, things like that happen.cuddling is fine with people i know well.
Cont.
>stumble through doors, bell rings
>people walking by, look like formaldehyde face
>I freak out
>rush to bathroom half crawling, half stumbling
>nearly pick a fight with ROTC kid because he's cornering me
>swear to god this putrid grey son of a bitch is gonna kill me
>manage to barely snap out of it at that second, just gone
>a lead weight for a second or two
>sweep it under the rug, but problem persists
>ffw to a few days before end of school year
>talking to qt midget autist (have retard classes because... parents)
>basically edgepost irl
>eventually this causes her to go cold on me
>"there goes my only chance"
cont.
so....what happened during the time you were passed out?
why were they pointing guns at you? seems ridiculous
Cont.
>get home, take a nap
>wake up a few hours later, no one's home yet (dad works till 2300 sometimes, mom's a teacher so unreliable)
>remember I have a Halloween costume in my closet
>pull out
>dig around in it, bundle of cloth, pull out belt for it
>frayed hemp rope probably won't do the trick but I check anyways
>actually durable for a Walmart costume piece
>make the preparations, knots, throw behind bedroom door
>sit there quietly thinking about the last time I tried, fucker snapped the patio rail in the old house
>keep thinking, how these visions keep getting worse
>have around neck, rolling chair, standing there
>trip
>"fuck, well I guess I'm still a coward"
>dangle there for a few moments
>nothing's happening
>"better get down before someone gets home"
>hide rope, still died, under bathroom sink
Cont
All I know is it was less than an hour that I was unconscious. Or so I thought. I visited my therapist again after my stay at the institution, and she said that all the doors in the office were open, some things were pushed off of counters/shelves and on the ground, some drawers were opened; it looked like someone came through looking for stuff. I immediately blamed it on the cops looking for dangerous items that I might've used, but I really don't know anymore. I just remember passing out on the couch and waking up on it again.
And cops point guns at you if you're suicidal in case you attack any of them. It's just a thing that happens because suicidal people will do whatever it takes.
>suicidal people will do whatever it takes
en.wikipedia.org
Cont.
>ffw past summer to new school year, August
>math teacher is a bitch
>every day I'm wandering the halls or outside at lunch
>more than once hide behind dumpsters so no one sees me
>practice singing "Fade to Black" like a little cringe lord
>more than once people notice me
>cringe to shit, stop doing it
>decide to go to counselor instead (military sponsored I guess, due to veteran pops)
>sit there most days
>typically talking while half-present
>Other kids there, going in about silly ass things
>must have a thousand yard stare because counselor asks if I'm in pain or something
>"nah mate, the walls just pixelated"
>asks for explanation
>"it's nothing miss, really, don't worry about it"
>keep thinking about how to put this shit into words without risking being v&
>ffw September/October
>just got to school
>gloomy monday, really dreary
>walking to first period (psychology)
>starts again
>"not this shit again"
>this time dysphoria kicks in
>I've never felt this much self-hatred in any moment in my life
>literally start clawing at my arms and murmuring for a few minutes
>this girl walks by me, one of the local populars
>"user...? You okay there?"
>just give her this dead stare, I can barely muster the control to look at her
>a few second pass, keep clawing
>arms look like spaghetti at this point, bloody
>I don't have a way to hide it
Cont
>later that night
>"user, what the hell?"
>forgot about arm spaghetti because no one mentioned it at school
>"what"
>"how did you get so scratched up? Did you disinfect it at least?"
>"uhh, I fell into some blackberries"
>takes the bait
>"can you at least empty your backpack a little bit? You're gonna hurt your back if you keep up with it"
>eh, whatever
>ffw a few weeks
>recently pulled out of school for late night baneposting
>locals literally want me dead now
>"I guess I know what it's like to be a nigger now"
>laying in bed with "unforgiven" on loop
>tempted to munch on a few sleeping pills
>decide against it, but stay awake for some hours
>get sick of laying there
>Grab a dull pencil off my desk (ehich is right next to my bed)
>shaking, quietly start scratching my left arm with it
>"no more"
>I keep doing it for about 15 minutes
>finally fall asleep
Should I continue with my cringequest?
[Y] [N]
>tfw nearly killed on drugs meant to make me feel calm at a psyche ward due to allergies
'Murica
trips of truth. shit sucks in burgerland m8s
[Y], you're a cringy fag, but it's a good read
>Hits Y
Yeha its tight
Anyone have experience with Strattera the nonstimulant focus drug? I'm considerably worried that it will hurt my already aching stomach and suppress my nonexistant appetite further. I'm not suicidal but I have been before. I weigh 140lbs at 5 ft 11 in. I've actually been avoidijg purchasing the drug because of this fear so any imput is appreicsted
I'm depressed from losing my mom 4 years ago to medical complications (sepsis) resulting from cancer. She passed 2 days after the oldedt child graduated high school and the youngest had one week left in 5th grade. I've lost any ability to uphold and mantain all but like 2 relationships with people I had known from before that incident until now. I've changed thru maturity and this experience about equally as much. I actually was so close to suicide that I chose within 2 weeks to either end it or move to a new part of the country and try again, and well I'm still here albeit sad living 650 miles from where I grew up. I lost the other two biggest influences in my life in the years since.
Aight, cont.
>ffw a couple years of homeschooling
>most nights spent laying in bed thinking about running off
>dad talking about leaving stepmother and getting land in Tennessee
>tall about bomb shelters, preparing for war, boomer stuff
>ask him to train me to shoot, I need the skill for later
>doesn't give me a definitive answer
>goddammit, there goes kiwi BLT
>tell him I worry about drugs out there
>"it'll be fine, I won't get on anything kid"
>mfw I'd been drinking for a year and a half
Just fuck my shit up senpai, I've got no shots besides his plan because I've got no inheritance and fuck this world at this rate I'm going out in style
What kind should I practice with
>Was born with a really rare birth anomaly
>Most children who have this are still born or die shortly after birth
>almost died after birth, but my wealthy grandpa did everything in his power to keep me alive
>consequences of defects include vomiting blood if heart rate goes above ~80, none of my joints are truly connected, mental impairments like high functioning autism, adhd, psychosis, bipolar II, etc
>never had friends as kid since I was just some autistic quiet kid
>learn by middle school I don't belong
>post college most of my friends stop talking to me after they get married
>the only person who understood me(brother) died in accident
>start to develop a weird type of depression/psychosis
>basically if I'm not actively distracted, I start to shift into I shouldn't exist and lose interest in life itself
>literally required by different psychiatrists to spend at least three hours a day focusing on my hobbies
>literally realize that I'm not ever going to function because of some freak complication and dear grandpa not letting go
>Just kinda waiting for body to give into when my heart fails from forementioned problem so I can stop being a burden to others.
fagottini
discord
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Felt weird reading this while taking a shit.