How are you holding up /lit/, what’s on your mind?

>What’s the cause chief?
I'm a bad person. Not like in a cool anti-hero way, just I'm extremely weak and sensitive and sad and have spent my whole life trying hard to find some peace and humiliating myself and failing. I don't enjoy anything, so I devise new ambitions for things I could one day enjoy and not only do I fail but I don't even enjoy the attempt. I try to do "radical" "new" things and change my setting but it always just feels even worse and even more exhausting. It's not fun. My friends think I'm boring (I am) or creepy (I am).
Anyway this isn't some adolescent thing (maybe it is), I'm a 31-year-old boomer and I'm both a worse person and have worse traumas than I did when I was a sad child. Life just gets worse. I'm not a victim. The problem is me. I'm not a good person. I'm a failed thing.

In other words, I'm a mopey self-indulgent piece of shit. But trying to look outward and engage with society and be a useful member of the community hasn't worked at all. So I don't know. I don't want my parents to be sad so I won't actually kill myself until they're dead, luckily they're kind of old so it shouldn't be too long. Anyway, top five:

Suspended in Gaffa
Wuthering Heights
Cloudbusting
The Big Sky
Moving

I find it really funny when people say they have a therapist. It reminds me of a Woody Allen film or Curb Your Enthusiasm.

I imagine your life must be really kooky. "It's my wife, doc. I just can't stop thinking about killing her!" Haha user

>Jow Forums """humor"""

As sad as I would be to lose these threads, I do generally approve of /lit/ being cleaned up some. The Jow Forums and Jow Forums posters need to know they're not welcome here.

I just wanna talk about books. People should be more mindful and considerate of the board. The shitpostig isn't as bad as /mu/ or /tv/ but it's still disappointing.

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My girlfriend and I broke up yesterday. I'm in a PhD program (philosophy) and simply have very little time. She's not happy with that. Haven't really been there for her just in an everyday kind of way, even though the summer is just right around the corner. We're supposed to go to Oregon for three weeks, but she cancelled her ticket.

Been a tough semester. My parents got their divorce finalized, my dad got prostate cancer, my mom relapsed into alcoholism and I had to hold a very traumatizing intervention for her, and generally have very little direction in the PhD anymore.

Been making some good progress in therapy, though. Started rock climbing and found a great community of people that way, and my piano teacher is a hell of a dude. Wish I could go hiking more. Also I got a puppy named Penny.

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I could've written every word of this, except I'm just shy of 30 and the part about waiting for your parents to die before killing yourself. I used to say I'd wait til then, but at this point if mom goes first, that'll be it. Don't care enough about my father anymore to spare him whatever pain he'd feel.

I think you’re experiencing some modern universal truths, have you considered trying to consolidate your thoughts into some sort of text? Even if it doesn’t appease you, you could take solace in the fact you made someone like (and myself) feel a little less alone.

I really want to quit my job and live the /lit/erary lifestyle. The only thing stopping me is fear of starvation.

Penny looks like a good dog.

She's very cute user. Best of luck with the piano.

That's a cute pup, user. Even if everyone else fails in their shitty ways, she is going to be there for you in her cute and loving ways.

I love the name Penny, she’s adorable.

It's been five years now since I set out on the path that got me to where I am right now. That seems like a while, but I've crammed so much into that time. I went from somebody just living in my parents' house in the aftermath of my undergraduate degree to living in New York City, then moving back to my hometown, having a huge personal crisis, rediscovering my love of great literature, taking a huge leap forward as a writer, getting some short stories published, getting into graduate school, rediscovering poetry, and embarking on a career as a poet. Now, five years later, I feel like a different person than I was at the start of 2014. I'm more accomplished and have more achievements to my name than I could have thought I ever would back then.

But I still yearn for more. I've had delusions of grandeur ever since I was a kid, but I think I can actually do it now. I think I might be able to actually become as great as I've always thought of myself as being. Particularly as a writer and poet, I feel like I actually have something important to say, and that I might also have the talent to say it. I've only been seriously writing poetry since December of 2017 and I've already gotten multiple poems published, and I think my greatest work is still to come. I sincerely hope it is.

But ultimately, I worry that my desire for 'greatness' isn't a distraction. I want to create things that are incredibly beautiful, works of art that glorify God and that express beauty and truth. If I can do that, I should become great as a result of succeeding in my ambitions, but I might die in obscurity and never be recognized in my lifetime. And I should be content with that. But it would be difficult for me to accept.

thanks fellas
here she is on a hiking trip

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i love kate bush

I’m ok, but just ok. I’m picky about women and don’t mind being alone most of the time. A few months ago I found a girl, after two years of being completely closed off. All the signs of true attraction (not just lust) and maybe mutual attraction were there. You see, I’ve only had 3 crushes at 23, and the first 2 were in long-term relationships. I never experienced the positive, puppy-dog type of attraction, because I knew it was hopeless. I closed myself off and flatlined my emotions as a subconscious defense-mechanism. This girl, number 3, was presumably single and seemed like a perfect match for me. I was overcome with hope and love; it really showed me what life should be. Started talking to her, found out about her bf, and got over her in a mature way. My problem now is that I’m back to my old middle-of-the road self and life isn’t very exciting. I’m emotionally ok, but I feel wounded on a much deeper level. My motivation plummeted after the big letdown and I started missing classes, sleeping in, and drinking too much. Last week, as I was starting to recover, I stopped ignoring her existence and the feelings came back a bit. Again, like it was beyond my control, I started missing classes and falling behind. I’m ok, but it bothers me that deep inside, I’m not content. It doesn’t help that I’m about to graduate and have no romantic interest in anyone else.

me2

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terminal nïg-gerliciousness @ the impending balkanization of chanboard culture (specifically endless eight-kin nowadays given how this place reveled in its compromised status circa 2014) in2 shtetl shuttlecock saddlesac-soc shacks 4 snake oil salesmen & sheisty shariablue shalomites gifted 2 Da Grayce Ov E-Saunter KAAANGS

only glimmer of hope hurrs the girardfag project & its accompanying goliards of Gnon & sporadic schizoposters

sage in every field etc, hope all non-psyop engrossed anons r prospering n perserverin' desu

had 2 edit this 15 times 2 post it btw foh gook moot & repressed adminstrator apparatchik apparatus

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Been writing a lot recently. It's going very well. Novel edit is progressing and I've written 5 short stories this week, at least 2 of which are decent. 3 of them feature (someone else's) suicide and/or suicide attempt. Fun! I wish I could write about something else, but it just happens before I realize.

An acquaintance of mine probably just committed suicide. I'm not sure if he was successful but he had been intending it for a while now and his messages have ceased. He left me a last message saying that night he would end it. I didn't respond. I never said a single word to discourage him because that would have been hypocritical of me, but I also never gave him positive enforcement to go for it, so neither am I a murderer. So I've had that on my mind while writing. I don't feel upset about it, I only knew him distantly from school, but I've been thinking about it a lot.

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In a bit of self defense, because maybe that sounds lousy of me, I have an accepting nature and trustworthy face. If someone tells me a secret I'll take it to the grave. So lots of people open up and tell me all their worries and stuff, and I just listen and never judge anyone. People have told me about crimes they've committed, drug addictions, affairs, sexual exploits, fucked up psychological traits, things they feel guilty about, bad things they've done, cases of abuse, things they've witnessed, etc. It makes them feel better to tell it to someone. So I'm used to troubled people coming to me and saying things like that, and again, I wasn't close to him. I just have a nature people feel at ease with.

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I'M GOING FUCKING INSANE

IF ANYONE PLAYS A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT HIT ME UP, OR IF YOU WANT TO COAUTHOR A FUCKING FURRY LARP I DON'T CARE, MY MIND IS ROTTING

Life is alright. I had a terrible transition from college to professional life. The reality that you aren't special, most your day will be spent doing things you don't care about just to survive, and finally nothing you do will ever survive the test of time hits hard. I guess all our dreams have to die.

That said, I think it's only uphill from here. I value the time I do have a lot more, even if I still struggle with time-wasting habits from the past. I'm still terrified of death, though. It's inexplicable - I blame my terrible Protestant upbringing.

Agree. I say more and read more genuine stuff in these threads than in person

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I know that feel. Turns out if you become acquainted with someone and then just don't say much when you're with them they will spill their guts. It's happened so much to me that I can't really care about 99% of it anymore. Rarely someone will tell me something I haven't heard before and its great, but they are far and few between.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just a sponge of humanity. I suck it all up in my day to day life and on occasion some event will 'ring me out' so to speak and I start all over again. Although the dampness of past conversations still remains, tainting my personality for good.

I'm about to graduate college having made a total of zero (0) friends and having long lost whatever social skills I managed to gain in high school. I don't even think about my love life. I'm not all that depressed about it really, but it does feel bad to be leaving "the best time of your life" having experienced none of the normie things and being even more alienated than when I entered (if anything I'm less depressed, thought about killing myself basically 24/7 during my first and second years; hardly ever anymore). I'm also increasingly nostalgic about high school, even though I was also a miserable autist then. Back then I had friends, even if they weren't very close, and I was still excited to spend time with them or to (poorly) flirt with girls. I have none of that now. Just a degree I don't care that much about. And everyone always says life in the "real world" is exceptionally lonely compared to school. Does't seem likely that I'll manage to succeed if I couldn't on easy mode.

I've tried to write about this stuff a bit, but I don't think anyone really cares about my feels, which is another type of sadness.

I don't really know what I'll do now, work I guess. Read. Garden. Maybe travel a bit. Not a terrible life at all, maybe even fairly enjoyable. But I don't think I'll ever get over those dreams I had.

Goodnight, dreams.

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I love you stray dogs user, you're the most authentic person I've encountered in ages. Hope I can read your novel some day.

Are there any books that can teach me not to be such a contentious dickhead?

Finished the last short story. I won't know how it is until a reread tomorrow. Haven't been sleeping well so I'm tired already and it's grown dark while I was typing.
>I'm still terrified of death
The only fear comes from a desire to gain something that never existed in the first place.
It's easier to love sad people than happy ones. I've never felt put out by what anyone tells me. If it helps them to speak with me, I'm glad for it. I've never once been shocked by anything I've heard, but it has helped me view humanity in a more tender light.
I hope what I've written is worth reading.

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I wish I knew how to help people when they came to me with the problems. All I can be is a shoulder to cry on but I wish I knew how to fix everything for them or at least give them some useful advice. Sometimes the advice I give just makes everything worse.

a qt jewish girlfreind who has a cat ad read books, and will swallow

My job keeps making me change my sleep schedule and I'm about to lose it on my boss

I wish I didn't have brain damage. Language is the onyl thing that somewhat made sense to me, and even that's questionable. But now I have nothing. Words are slipping through my fingers like sand. Soon I'll be nothing but miserable and alone. It's excruciating being mentally disabled. It's okay to mock us, to make fun of us. But we have nothing. We can't audiate, we can't visualize, we have nothing. We're alone, sensory depriaved, even in oru own minds. When you're blind or mising a limb you're at least treated as this object of pity. Dehumanized, but at least it's not treated like a moral fault. That's th e thing, you're treated like something to be pitied if you're really disabled, but if you're just kind of disabled, on the cusp of functioning, you're just left to fucking rot. I'm not saying I want pity, I don't, I want udnerstanding maybe, but not pity. The lionization of illness is disgusting. Solidarity is too much taosk for. But when I work, and I do work, Iwork sconsatnly, and I come home, I just drink. I just drink and drink adn drink until I pass out and take handfuls of sleeping pills and speed down empty roads with my seat belt off eyes closed hoping t hat this ends it and I wakeu p everything morning and go back to work and I just have to do this. I ahve to do tidhtks. I have to do this. I'm trapped and I"m alone and there's no one and hnothing and this is my life until I die and I want to die I want to die I want to die I want this to be over I want this to be over it hurts so much it's so humiliating there are huge chunks of me missing you know when you're blind you can't see, when you're mentally disabled, you can't think. Your sight is just the way you interact with teh world, but your brain is just you. I'm missing parts of mys oul. I have nothing inside of me. I'm a shell. I'm an imperfect copy. I ahve nothign and I am no one. So I wait to die beacuse I'm too cowardly to cut my throat or swallow enough pills to really kill me. I just flirt iwth death so I can feel like I'm in control of an uncontrollable situation. I leap from burning builds like wallace because it's all I ahve left to keep me sane. To feel like there's some meanign to waords that fork no lightnign and actions that trigger nothing in the world. I just want this tos top. I want this to make sense. In a world of constellations all I see are stars. I wish I was dead. Everything I was afraid of as a child came alive as an adult. I am in pain. I have tinnitus. I am afraid and aone and I work constantly because when my aprents die I'm fucked and I'll be alone because my family hates me because I'm unstable and a dick and I keep sawing into my arms with bread knifes because they're serrated and I bleed and I bleed and ym sheets are died a dark crusted maroon and I can't make it stop I can't make it sopt I can't mskaie to stop because=kplease make it stop

I don't like to give them advice at all on personal issues. The story is always a lot more complicated than they can really tell me in words, so at the end only they can decide what to do. Any advice anyone has ever given me on serious problems was less than useless, and I don't want to do that to someone else. The only thing that helps me is concentrating on my own honest thoughts and feelings to understand myself better; other people's advice ruins the serenity of that. The best thing is they just have someone to tell everything to. All you need to do is listen.
Does this count as advice?

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I want a good paying job and a wife but all the ones available to me are such trash. I just want to scream. I want to run away from where I am and never return.

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up and I'm almost done with my bachelor's. I'm interested in too many things at once but I feel like I haven't found my "thing" yet.
I don't really feel like a part of this world. I'm not autistic or asexual but I can't really relate to other people and have no desire for a relationship, sexual or serious. I feel like I should want this but I never have. I have friends and go to parties but don't feel a deep connection. Maybe I'm some sort of weird changeling pretending to be human. At least, that's what it feels like.

I have two (2) tickets to Peterson v. Zizek and no date to go with :( . If there are any women in their mid 20s to 30s willing to go with a high school lad (18) please respond. Thanks.

Pretty bad. NEET. No motivation. All I want to do is go out and live in the wilderness far from civilisation in a cabin.

Sounds like you need to meet more people.

Take butterfly.
She's more than double your age though.

I'm good, man. I'm reading The Hobbit and Lord of The Rings. It's a bit easier to get through as an adult. Gandalf is kind of a dick imho. (=

Stop burdening your parents and move out. Get a job, you annoying little creep

wouln't that be quite something.

Why would I leave my parents when I work 60+ hours a week earning 11 bucks an hour and I'm spending almost nothing my dude

like I'm barely ever home anyways

Don't be mean.

Because you get such a sense of accomplishment and pride form whining on the internet about what a baby you are. If you supported yourself you would be less depressed. Be an adult. It will help.

I'm a few steps behind you, user, but it seems we have the same ambitions. I've had something like forty of my micropoems published, but none of my short stories (I've finished five) have been picked up yet.

The "delusions of grandeur" bit might make you seem arrogant to some, but I don't personally view it that way. Sometimes, it's things like that that motivate a man to push harder than his peers.

Out of curiosity, do you have any links to your published work? I wouldn't mind reading some.

i hope you get brain damage and struggle with tying your shoes and feeding yourself like me. i hope someone ice picks your brains out and your kids get cancer you self-righteous callous piece of shit. i want to torture you to death

I’m doing terrible in school, might not graduate on time, got accused of being racist and failed an essay and have to meet with the dean because of it, I’m hopelessly in love with a girl, I’m sick, and I have no energy to read which is all I want to do besides drink. The only thing I have going for me is I’m in the gym 6 times a week and I’ve lost 25 pounds this semester, but who gives a fuck. Plus my writing is complete dogshit and I have no friends plus everybody hates me. Yet I know myself and I know I like being miserable, so it’s going good in that sense.

Let's do it, boi.

i want to scrape your brains out with my cock. i want to eye fuck your eyes out. i want to snap your dick like a glow stick. i want to break your teeth with a hammer while your nerves hang raw in shattered bone. what's your address

All I can think about is sinking slowly to the sea floor and tucking myself in a bed of long, flowing seaweed.

Your parents should have spanked you and put you in the corner. The fact that you don't even want your independence in the one life you have been given is a very sad thing, You don't even seem to see the appeal of being a man. The fact that this confuses you goes hand in hand with why you are depressed. You should listen.

I'm in a strange limbo, fluctuating between having next to no faith and being overwhelmed by the beauty of the transcendent. It sounds like I'm losing my mind, but I feel pretty well grounded. I just want to know if God exists or not and what the nature of His existence is and every building thought seems to swing me from one side of the fence to the other. While I love writers like Kierkegaard, I think that I may have to abandon my Protestant upbringing to find the answers I'm looking for.

like fuck me for being vulnerable for five fucking seconds on a site that's founded on le epic troll like yeah okay cool you genuinely upset me fuck you i guess your fucking pompous "tough love" bullshit i hope you get fucking cancer i want otb eat your fucking brains in with a hammer god dammit i want to kill you and everyone like you where do you live i know this is "internet tough guy" bullshit but don't be a pussy where do yo ulive fucking tell me

>being a man is [x]

spooked

Are you me? Also don't, or at the very least read Finnegans Wake first.

my parents raped me and beat me in the head until i passed out and now i can't tie my own shoes fuck you for thinking you know me

Living with your parents and garnering sympathy from strangers on the internet is most certainly not being a man. You are literally letting someone else take care of you.

i hope you hang yourself by your boot straps ideology you narrative loving cock sucker fucking kill yourself die die die die die die die die die die die i want to cut your eyes out

spooked

I'm in the same boat. Gave a presentation on some godforsaken YA novel the other day. Upset everyone in the room with my "highly offensive" take on the material. A few people even left the room. They've kicked me out twice already (I was a truant for two years), and, at this rate, I likely won't finish my English degree.

My advice to you: Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Develop skills in areas outside of your particular faculty. Beyond that, you might as well start letting loose. Go on meetup.com'; hop on Tinder; join a writers' club. Whatever it takes to increase your level of social interaction. You will continue to flounder otherwise.

I have a soft spot for people like you. I'll listen.

user calm down. Here, have some tea.

Peterson vid for this feel?

stop shitting up this thread. psychoanon, get some help.
what was your interpretation?

i mean i guess it's embarrassing to be this affected by a posted on the internet but it just sucks and i know your opinion shouldn't matter and that's kind of on me and also for taking the internet so seriously but it's like when i was a kid my dad raped me and he would beat me in the head until i passed out and we took an iq test and i got 78 and i'm so scared and there isn't a network for me and i'm scared and i'm not trying to get sympathy or i guess maybe on some level i am but it's just ti can't talk about how i feel without getting accused of that and it's a sore spot you know i'm sacred aand 'i don't know what to do because i wo rk althe ime and i don't knwo what to do and i'm sacred i'm sorry i didn't mean it i'm just really durnk and i'm sorry

Thanks man appreciate it... good advice and I’ll look into the writers club too. Shitty about the presentation, but can’t say I’m surprised.

Still jobless, but I'll keep searching. Still living with parents. Still don't have gf. But you know what? I'm happy. I'm going where the wind blows.

>Live in Japan
>Met a girl on Tinder who never sent me an unfiltered photo of herself
>ofc she's ugly
> I'm lonely and sad
> Feels so nice cuddling up with her in bed.
>Touch her breasts and she doesn't protest, but she doesn't want to go there.
> She genuinely likes me
>Wants serious relationship, so she didn't want to do anything sexual on the first date. Even though she wanted to.
>Get blueballs. Jerk off twice.
Days later
> Have no one else
> End up talking to butterface again
>She asks me if I want to see her again
>I say yes
>I think no
>But I have nothing else.

Happens to me constantly... I think I only believe I need someone else because of shitty parenting and societal pressures. Heart of darkness made me realize how alone I truly am

we all like to write. these threads are fun.

How do you have the money for rock climbing and piano lessons (and a girlfriend) when you're just a PHD student?

Your parents don't want to take care of you. They want you to take care of yourself. Like a big boy

I end up getting attached to a woman really easily and find I am a lot happier when I have one. I know that women are a distraction and I would be a lot more productive and successful if I focused on myself and ignored them. But, it just doesn't work that way for me. Without a woman in my life I feel dejected and I don't even feel like getting up to take a piss, let alone actually accomplish anything. I need to get the woman out of the way so I am emotionally healthy enough to live. That's how I see it now, anyway. I tried meditation every morning for a while which seemed to be helping but I stopped. When I had a girl sleeping over. I'm too dependent. I'm probably looking at this the wrong way. I feel so alone very easily. But I also feel better very easily. I just need physical touch.

uwu daddy give me your smuggies!!! epic troll... super win!!!! be sure to post some cool jordan peterson maymays

Well, I can't argue with that. Seems like u know urself which is good. Some asshole therapist will be like independence or some other nonsense trying to sculpt humanity in a certain way, so kudos to u.

Going through a breakup now after she moved temporarily to another country and found someone else. It fucking sucks and it's killed my desire to read or work on my research.

Wish I could get a puppy, Penny looks like a good dog.

Had not masturbated in a while because I hate constantly sexualizing every single woman I see, and I find that cutting out masturbation helps control that. Relapsed today and fell asleep, woke up and did some reading. Went to the gym for the first time in months, saw a wonderfully thick girl and fantasized about asking her to dinner and cheating on my gf. Ran home feeling like shit, head pounding, trying not to pass out. Need to eat healthier and stop smoking

3 days ago I dreamed that I was having sec with a girl that I had a fling with 2 years ago. In reality I never had sex with her and only met her once but we were very close for a while. During the dream when I was having sex with her every second felt right, like I was in love and its been on my mind all day since.

Maybe she was the one who got away, maybe im just a faggot who is worrying about things that ended years ago either way its been very hopeless 3 days.

Or maybe reading too much murakami, just finished colorless and its probably why I had that dream.

sorry, didn't mean to reply to

What is your deal with Jordan Peterson?

WIPE
YOUR
ASS

I have the Flu, and last night my fever broke and I had a fever dream that I was James Joyce, but instead of writing Ulysses like a book I wrote each page on a sticky-note and pasted them all over Dublin. So, if anyone wanted to read Ulysses they would have to go to Dublin and read it off the walls of the city

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I just want to take a big shit and wipe it all over this board.

:(

but daddy uwu i need you to do it for me!! put the wipes in the fridge daddy. i need it brisk for my little butt hole

Is she Japanese?

I'm always hesitant to reveal myself on Jow Forums. One day, hopefully, I'll be famous, or infamous, and I'll reveal myself here to the wonder and shock of everyone. But for now I'd prefer to remain anonymous. However, if you have a burner email address, or something temporary, I'd be happy to send you some links to some stuff.

>these threads are fun.

I didn't say that there weren't. I mean the shitposting and bait in the catalogue.

yea. I generally only date/fuck Japanese girls here.

I'm in love with a girl in a class I TA for. I'm graduating, she's a freshman. It's hopeless. I've built it up so much in my head that I leave every class with disappointment. I came home afterward today and smoked two spliffs and didn't do any of the reading I need to do for a paper this Monday. I love her. She looks like she is literally glowing when she laughs. I want to stay up till 7 AM and talk with her in cemeteries about who she is. But I look at her and feel like I've known her forever. She's sultry in a reverent sort of way too. I'll ask her something and we'll look at each other, and if the question is something she isn't sure of, her eyes will hang low and the corners of her mouth will perch in a sweet smirk. God