I need an autistic breakdown of how to go to the Gym

Alright, so I don't know if I'm OCD or just generally not wanting to walk in as a novice again. Even though I have some gym experience, I've become horribly out of shape in the last year, gained 60 lbs and lost most of my conditioning. I never really went alone to the gym, which is likely why I was able to go, so I'm wondering if someone can give me a legitimate breakdown on the entire fucking routine involved with going to the gym.
Part of my problem is I should move and be on my own, but I've done that before and still couldn't go.
I don't work, so I have no routine except research on my own personal dime and motive.
I can't just get in the car and drive to the gym. I mean seriously, what the fuck do you guys do?
Do you hydrate before? Do you bring water? Do you drink water there? Do you have specific clothes? I've always just had random athletic clothes, but it seems like everybody has specific clothes for the gym.
What is the gym etiquette? I see bros spotting each other and I cringe extremely hard and try to ignore them. I don't know how anybody can socialize at the gym. I'm so embarrassed by how little I can lift and do. I can't even breath heavy or sweat or I get embarrassed.
What is normal gym life?
Pic related is such a mindfuck.
It's like a different fucking planet in these places. And then there's the gyms that are in converted office buildings with the same carpet and sheetrock walls. Like is stench clinging to the sheetrock in there now? Something about most gyms just turns me off. I kinda like the older gyms, but they don't really exist where I live. I don't know of any.

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And then there's this fucking guy.
How does anybody know what the hell they're doing in these places? I imagine if the guy was weak, people would be stopping him left and right for not looking like a cookie cutter normal. The whole concept of sets and reps just make my brain bleed. I have no idea what the fuck nigger shit ass fuck cock balls is going on in gym world usa. I sincerely just don't know what the fuck people are doing in there.
Some people turn on music, mimic the behavior, and they come out of there thinking they've done something, and they settle with the gains. How do I be deliberate in there?
"Watch gym videos."
Nobody knows how to speak intelligently about what it is they're doing. They're all extremely EXTREMELY awkward muscle minded people that are talking shop at the camera. They try to explain it more completely by s l o w i n g d o w n t h e i r s p e e e e c h, but I'm left stabbing my eyeballs or worse yet, crying.
I just need the assembly instructions that actually list every single detail. Like a code redoubt of every command and processed reasoning that took place for every action/decision.
I go in there, wander around, do some things. And I'm like, okay I did that, what the fuck now? Even if I do a routine in there... I just get bored to death with routines even. How do people not go insane in these places?
HELP!

Even if I go for a run, I start running, and I start wondering what the fuck I'm doing. I just feel like a moron running to run. I can't connect the training to the goal because I don't know what the goal is. Obviously I know what the goal IS, but I just can't see how it all comes together.
I just get bored out of my mind and stop and go back.
I see people running up and down my street every day, and I can't even imagine how totally mindless they are in the task and deed. Seeing the same damn street, shrubs, and mailboxes. Just drives me insane how they do it. Like are they even real people?

Just go into the gym and give the receptionist a firm handshake and smile

No one is going to give a fuck about you until you start giving a fuck about yourself. Just get in there and work it out like everyone else. Your not special, even if people do judge you, who fucking cares.

I bet you play video games where you grind and do the same thing every single time.

1. You need a routine
Do something basic like Mondays - Abs, Tuesday - Biceps & Triceps, Wednesday - Back & Shoulders, Thursday - Chest, Friday - Legs
Look up the gym that youre planning on going to in Google maps, usually there will be pictures of the interior. Now that you can see what machines to expect, look up simple excerces to do for each day. Many of them will probably be dumbbell excercises. Just choose 5 of them for each day, 3 sets each. If the excercises requires a machine, check back to the gym pic to see if your gym will have it.
Essentially, your goal is just to already know what you're going to be doing before you set foot in the gym. Sign up online, so that the only thing you'll have to do is walk up to the front counter to get your physical pass. If they ask if you want a tour, just say no (you already looked at the pictures)

2. When it comes to running, if you're out of shape it's terrible because you'll actually be aware of the pain that you're in. However, once you begin to get in shape, you'll no longer be as conscious of it. For me personally, I end up going into a sort of zone where day dreaming is a lot easier for me while running. You just have to get to that point though.

once you get into a rhythm and turn off your brain, its pleasant. dem endorphins.
do what feels good also read a few books to get form right. quality over quantity.

Imagine beng this retarded

> I don't work

Get a job, lazy retard

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Have sex.