its hard to face the truth the thing is, i feel like i realise this (the message), i don't really because i am not old enough yet, but i understand that if i continue on the path i am currently on then i will (probably) end up in a position that i will understand.
im in uni right now i have two exams to go, of four total. both in the next four days. i decided to get drunk tonight, but not as drunk as normal. over all of the days in 2019, i have drank less than the average day. my average drinking in any given day is approximately 8 units, of which 6.5 ish are on my own im 19 and a half. i say the half because in 6 months i will be twenty. TWENTY. to me that feels like the definition of old. or at least it did when i started browsing Jow Forums. "i'd have my life together by then" i told myself. but the thing is i do have my life together-ish. i am vaguely smart, im in uni for fucks sake so i have something. i always just do enough to keep the best outcome within reach. the first two years of my degree dont matter as long as i just get the required marks, so i dont try because i know i can get them. this leads to me thinking, "oh, i may as well drink because there's no point doing anything productive." its a slow descent to alcoholism. i daresay i am not there yet but fucking hell i am on my way.
also its the perceived isolation that does you in at first. the feeling that you are alone and there is nobody out there who cares, you keep that prejudice against humanity and then you toy with it and fall in line with the actions that keep the prejudice there, until its no longer just a belief to you, its a fact. and then you think some more. and then you break, you drink to forget that nobody cares, you drink to forget the 'fact' that you had fed yourself through deceit of your senses, the deceit you pulled so you wouldn't have to take responsibility for your own actions.
comes a point when it doesnt matter why you drink, there need not be a starting gun that triggers your overwhelming desire to chug the nerest can or bottle, you just do. Because you have taught yourself that the only consistent way to deal with pain is to drink it away. and this leaks into your life. friends out without you? drink it away. crush didnt look at you the same way? drink it away. had a bad day? drink it away. just done an exam? drink it away. feel nothing? drink it away. negative thoughts building up over the course of months about your negligent behaviour towards your own physical and mental health that has lead you to this very moment of only thinking to drink it away? drink it away. nothing compares. human contact doesn't compare. you have found your out. the path to """happiness""". and its not like other bad drugs, at least at uni. drinking alcohol is basically required if you want to have an ordinary social life. admitting your problem has no affect on the ordinary student, as they will agree with you that "yeah haha i could go for a pint right now" but they havent gone through what you have (or at least they might but i seriously doubt it).
Joshua Powell
i see myself in a couple decades, dying of some cancer i never knew existed, having alienated my family to the point they dont even care, on my deathbed, just staring into ceiling above me, thinking "i dont care". i dont care i've fucked my life. i dont care i have nobody here for me. because i would never have had the power to change the way i am, the people and decisions that have molded me, right onto the path im on now. and i realise this now, and have realised this for a while now, and it hasn't changed a goddamn thing.
my favourite song for a while was Wake Up by Two Door Cinema Club, patly because i always thought that someday i would wake up from my own prison of doubt and hatred (cringy yeah but its me) but now i just dont think it will ever happen. i want to, dont get me wrong, but i just dont see it happening.
i dont know what else to write. see ya later i guess
Jace Martinez
I know everything you said but there is no way to change it. My subhuman status prevents me from living the normalfag life. I "chose" this life because it is the only option available. Faulting myself as a person for things outside my control would be very stupid.
most people in their 20s are fucking up, you're allowed to be a fuck up in your 20s. 30 is when it gets serious. So don't worry too much.
Brandon Edwards
I've wanted a girlfriend for the longest time but you just can't fucking do it nowadays without risking everything.
Jason Brooks
Unironically see so much of myself in this post.
Here's to me making this post in 2033 Jow Forums
Austin Flores
Hopefully none of us make it to that point. I can't imagine how fucking bad things will be by that year.
Christopher Harris
Automation will have taken over most jobs at that point, so us zoomer anons who will be boomers by then will probably be poor as fuck or homeless if it hasn't been banned. Then there's the issue of climate change, most anons who live on the coast will have to had been reloacted at some point since we're gonna lose about 50 miles of it. Probably a lot of other shit things will happen that'll make our lives even worse but hey, we're young so it won't affect us for a decade so doesn't matter now.
