/depression/ - dead inside edition

/depression/ thread, but also general mental illness discussion thread

last time i posted here, i asked how you guys cope with your mental illnesses. this time around, i was wondering what you think (or know) caused your current problem. if you don't want to talk about it and you'd rather just get some support or have someone listen to you for a little bit, be my guest

hope you guys are having a good tuesday night

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Caused? Parents being fuck ups leading my autistic ass to never learn how to socialize despite desperately wanting to know. Being an abject failure whose life will never amount to anything. Usual shit everyone here hates about themselves. (ugly, stupid, tfw no gf, etc.) The fact that the best days of my life are behind me, and there's nothing i'll ever be able to do about it.

For me, I don't know what's causing it but it could be PTSD related since I had a fucked up incident 3 years ago happen to me. I've started on sertraline recently and apparently that tackles social anxiety and depression; both of which I suffer from. I'm hoping it will help but not holding my breath. Also I can't cum now as a side affect which was one of the only pleasures in life I have.

I don't know. Having a miserable alcoholic father maybe had something to do with it.

I'm on sertraline myself. Ask for bupropion; it's known to reverse sexual side effects of SSRIs.

Would you like to talk about it, user? Is there anything in particular about your father that fucked you up?

i was too depressed to eat yesterday. i dont know if ill eat today or not. weightloss induced by depression is pretty sweet, ngl. all i have to do is think how im a 28 kissless virgin and how ill never experience young love and sex and intimacy, and how most normies who i hate have tons of sex and love, and how everyone is just as obsessed with sex and love as me, except they get it and i dont

and all of a sudden im so fucking depressed i have no desire to eat food. literally i dont get any hunger pangs

nice one, god. 10/10. you are truly a good and just and kind god

i think the working out cure is a meme, honestly, i've been working out for about a month and showing pretty decent results but i still feel like shit, hell, i feel worse.

I guess my exposure to messed up material and lack of social communication due to my spergness.

Depression is not a mental illness, i hate you

I've been majorly depressed/numb for as long as I can remember I'm not even sure where to start w this thread

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same guy who posted this ^

how do you guys manage with depression? like honestly i just gave up today and have reverted back to what i call "normal" which is sleeping all day and then walking around in circles until i can then sleep. i'm just waiting to die.

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I've recently taken up boxing just because I'm tired of sitting and ruminating on my thoughts and stuff. I think that the "workout cure" is more of a distraction than a full fledged "cure". Physical activity increases the levels of dopamine, if I recall correctly, which increases happiness in the short term. But it's also a distraction, which is honestly the best part. It's a way to vent out your frustrations in a different way, more primal.

Other than that, be proud of the progress you've made. Something is better than nothing, and you've taken the steps forward that most people have tried and failed to do. Good on you man. Keep it up.

As much as I understand not eating because of depression, it can become a really, really bad thing. Instead of not eating at all, maybe start counting calories to lose weight in a more healthy way.

Then again, it's your life man. You do you.

thanks user. i don't want to sound like i'm bragging but my dad was a relatively popular bodybuilder, so i sort of have the genetics for it? i dunno, i just don't feel like i've "earned" it.

i went out and got one of those boxing dummies that hits back with the force you hit, that's always a fun time, just dunno how to wrap my hands.

it's a distraction but again, it's temporary. i don't ever feel "happy" after leaving the gym just slightly better, but i'll fall a couple hours afterward.

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Is there something you'd like to talk about? Why do you believe that depression isn't a mental illness? Do you struggle with any mental illnesses, or maybe your family?

This is also where I'm at currently. I watch YouTube or listen to music all day (too lazy to even play vidya anymore, no passion or drive to even want to) or walk around and daydream until I'm tired enough to pass out whenever. I'll probably be up until 7am then fall asleep. I'm basically a walking dead man.

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yeah, exactly. i ran a minecraft server for 5 years and had to shut it down because i just could barely get out of bed. i can't be bothered to eat, i can barely be bothered to sleep i'm just sitting here, waiting.

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If you want to put it that way, everything is temporary! Love, life, breathing, happiness, sadness, EVERYTHING is temporary.

There's a quote that I really like: "What happiness lacks in duration, it makes up for in intensity." It seems that happiness eludes us, but I think that in reality it's just that we don't feel it nearly as often as we do negative emotions.

i dont know if i am truly depressed or what is wrong with me. I mean i never had any desire to do anything or a goal or a dream.
i do not enjoy anything any more, even food doesnt have taste. The only things that i had were reading and watching movies and not even that anymore gives me the little pleasure it used to give me. Nowadays i just sleep and when i am awake i have no idea what i do, it's like time just past around me and i don't notice.

Is that even depression or is it something else?
Oh yeah, also i do not have any contact outside my family in real life and when i do have contact with people online after 2-3 months i delete them

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This is redpilled but it just sounds like bipolar, because that's what I have. The times I AM happy I really am elated, on top of the world. But when the slightest thing upsets me and makes me sad it's the worst sadness you can experience, near considering suicidal point. The unhappy thoughts just pile on and don't stop for hours on end.

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Okay, I see what you're saying. I guess because of the fact that I'm on an SSRI max dose for r-OCD, an antidepressant, and an antihistamine for anxiety kind of makes it easier for me to dismiss negativity- my apologies.

Negative feelings, in a sense, are a part of the human experience. Yes, they fucking suck. But they also make those happy moments taste so much sweeter. It's like when you work hard for that game you wanted as a kid, or when you save up for your first car, or when you literally achieve anything that you wanted through the fruits of your own labor. It's so gratifying- it makes all of the hell you went through worth it.

Sadness is much the same way, except it's a different situation. We can't really control sadness, nor can we control happiness. We can't control shit about our minds- they just work on their own clock. That's what they do. I guess what I'm trying to say is that pushing away negativity and refusing it the right to exist will make it seem worse than it actually is. Attempting to control it just makes it worse. But by accepting it and rebuking control over it, you're just kind of letting the brain do its thing like it does when it's happy.

Kind of a shitty analogy, sorry. I'm pretty spent today.

That definitely sounds like depression to me. I remember feeling like that a few years back. I lost my friends and I isolated myself because I just felt so miserable constantly. After a close call where I almost attempted suicide, I ended up seeing a therapist and discussing treatment options.

Do you have access to a therapist? Are you in uni or anything? Usually they have them for free. Oh, and depending on your healthcare, it might be easier to pursue one.

No worries, I get it. The happy moments were always bittersweet because even in the back of my mind I knew a terrible somber was iminent. And you seem to have been through it yourself. I also understand that when you're in a good mood you tend to dismiss negative feelings, as if they didn't even exist. It's a sort of denial mechanism, because you don't want to feel the sadness ever again, and your brain denies it. Which makes the sadness worse when it does happen.

Yeah, exactly. It's weird that the brain is biased towards negative events, but also sort of fetishises the ideal of the pursuit of eternal happiness. It's a self fulfilling prophecy that can only be broken from the pure acceptance of negativity and positivity as temporary emotions, in my opinion.

why does god allow so much suffering and pain in the world? why is god so unfair and unjust with how some people are winners and some people are losers?

couldn't he just make a utopia for everyone where no one suffers and injustices dont exist? what a shit tier world we live in, honestly

i'm one of those self-diagnosed f*goid, but mostly because i have no interest in seeing a psychiatrist or therapist and getting my name put into a system. I'd call myself mildly depressed, with occasional spikes of pretty debilitating depression (unable to do anything, constant negativity death-spirals, etc). I also have what I would consider negative coping mechanisms, which isn't necessarily a mental illness but certainly doesn't help mental states.

>what caused your problems
I spend a lot of time thinking, and I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my issues. I'd have to say my biggest problem is with my family - I don't have much of a family. Or rather, I do, but it's not a cohesive unit, it's severely fragmented. Both of my parents have mental health problems, my mother especially, and that's led to an extremely broken family. My parents could never get along, they'd fight often (not usually anything physical), and they both had (and still have) a complete inability to peacefully and effectively resolve conflicts. Some of this was imparted on my brother, who deals with conflicts similarly, thankfully I was born with an extremely different disposition than either of them, so escaped it. I won't go into a bunch of details, this post has already almost turned into a memoir, but my teenage years were largely spent being isolated in my room, with my only focus in life being to get the fuck out and away from family. Never worked of course - still live with my parents, lmao - but I've gotten to a much better place, now.

The biggest cope for me turned out to be religion, in a certain sense. I got interested in Eastern philosophy/religion for something unrelated, but ended up reading a text in particular that heavily impacted my outlook on life, and made life a lot more approachable despite being in a less-than-ideal situation. Drugs have also helped, specifically supplements. Haven't advanced much in life, still NEET, but I'm better than I was.

the funny thing is user, a utopia would be the worst possible hell you could be sent to. we are motivated by problems, and we need problems to solve in order to be happy, because we can only ever feel good by trying to solve problems. you have access to be-happy juice in the form of heroin, has any addict ever seemed like they were in utopia to you?

squabbling over justice was useful when we lived in tribes, but these aren't feelings you should pay mind to in the present time

I don't even understand how this shit exists even though I suffer from it. Like I am pretty sure cave men didn't get sad as fuck and die in a cave alone.... Like why the fuck is my mind like this? Why would it even allow me to be sad if it isn't in it's best interest? KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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I was a happy child, but I guess my brain developed into this shit. I'm extremely lonely. I reached out to a friend when I was at the breaking point. Had a the rope in my hand, tied up noose. She talked me through it. Next day, I get a visit from the police saying she's put in restraint, and I am not to contact her. She was my only friend.

Going out tomorrow to finish what I started. Got the plan in place. Going to go to the drug store, buy some sleep aid. Then to the beer store, for some booze. Lastly, hardware store, for some stronger rope (realized that at my weight, drop hanging works best. Need stronger rope.) Then, I go over to the bridge. Down the sleep aid, and my anti-depressants. Use the booze to down it. Tie the rope up, over my neck and the bridge. Put the bag I brought to carry everything over my head. And then just jump. Covers all bases. If somehow I live from the drop, the bag should sufficate me. The drugs and booze should slow my system down, to increase drowsiness and speed up unconciousness. Worst case, I die from the fall if the rope breaks, and not being found right away will help

>a utopia would be the worst possible hell you could be sent to
yeah, i disagree with this. a utopia by definition would be a place where people dont suffer and are happy. why do people need to suffer to exist, why cant god just make life nice, thats the point. i mean, im sure its easy talking down so patronizingly at me when you dont suffer, but if your bullies killed your entire family and mocked you, would you be so quick to say you need suffering in your life?

honestly its smug retards like you who tell me shit like this who i hope burn in the deepest hells. like i genuinely hope a nigger comes in your house, kills your family, just so i can smugly tell you that you need suffering to be happy, you fucking RETARD

>and we need problems to solve in order to be happ
okay, so lets say you have a baby child, and lets say i some to you, kill your wife and child by curb stomping them, and tell you that you need problems to solve in order to be happy and that you need suffering in order to be happy. would you accept that?

>because we can only ever feel good by trying to solve problems
but we have so many example of the contrary. i think you mean we need some degree of challenges and work in our life, but you are confusing that with suffering.

>you have access to be-happy juice in the form of heroin, has any addict ever seemed like they were in utopia to you?
heroin isnt a perfect drug because of the side effects and the come downs. it destroys the body, it runs out eventually. on the otherhand we have people who DONT experience suffering and are happy, and fuck girls and hurt other people with impunity and live a happy successful life. my point is why cant everyone life a life similar to this

>but these aren't feelings you should pay mind to in the present time
why? why is justice bad? you wouldn't want justice on someone who killed your family because why? why is justice bad?

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Fiancee left me, couldn't find a job, became suicidal (almost did it). Plus anxiety disorder. This is the tldr version of my major depression.

Anxiety, sleep disorder, depression and suicidal thoughts.
Talking and socializing is a chore. I'm on a different planet. I dont want to talk aboit nprmal things and people dont want to talk about my interests. The only people who bother talking to me does it out of pity, obligation or because they are loud af and feel an instictive urge to make noise at every turn so people notice them. I cant even pretend anymore. Makes me sick to my stomach the same way pushing a random stranger does. i can tell when people pretend and lie. It fills me with bitterness.
I just want some pills i can down with alcohol and never wake up again. Pulling the trigger is too messy and too "pernament". I've downed pills and drank booze before bit never shot myself so my stupid idiot lizard brain stops me.