Anons who have considered suicide for a long time now, state what kept you here today...

Anons who have considered suicide for a long time now, state what kept you here today. My suicidal thoughts started when I was 9, and I vivdly remember a fantasy I had, to write a note and hang or shoot myself far out in the forest. Since then, I've been morbidly depressed, stressed out, and without surprise, suicidal now and then. General feels thread as well. It's just me and my old guitar these days. Songs that make me bawl my eyes out:
I appreciate you taking time to listen to any of them if you wish.

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I first thought about killing myself when I was 8.
I consciously wanted to kill myself from age 11 until like age 18--when I gyrated between full on suicidal and just kinda wanting to die.
I became morbidly depressed again and came to the verge of suicide off and on from 19 until now at 21. Therapy has done basically nothing, and I they only psychiatric drug I'm willing to try is adderall, which I start in a few weeks.
Funny enough, when I'm feeling at my lowest, watching Winnie the Pooh lets me release my emotions. This fan made video is a big go to of mine.

That was very nice user. Why are you suicidal to begin with? Mine stems from being unwanted as a child, my parents split when I was born and I was basically a mistake. For the following 18 years I was neglected emotionally and somewhat physically as my health just continued to fall. But I discovered a lot of good music and taught myself guitar, it was basically all I could really do because I hardly left my room besides school. Not to mention I had 0 friends in high school only a few acquaintances, but that was my depression and inner loneliness manifesting itself into my actual outside life.

Well I felt suicidal for a pretty long time after my best friend killed herself. Felt I had no place in the world. Tried suicide pretty impulsive while hiking, jumped off a daunting looking cliff. Turns out you have to fall further than I thought and all I did was make my life that much more miserable for a while. Not really felt the urge to try again since. Nearly dying really gives you a fear of death or at least a respect for it.

suicidal from 13 to 20 here, went away after I did some psychedelics and spent a while traveling. I am aware this is the most meme "lmao just get over it bro" statement imaginable, but it's true.
that said I'm not happy by any means, I just no longer have the pressing urge to kill myself

Hey user. I know this might seem like bullshit advice but try getting rid of soda and excess sugar. I was ready to play human speedbump with a firetruck till I decided I wanted to loose weight. Not drinking soda has improved my mental health so much. It's not a replacements for therapy but it's a simple fix that costs 0$

I have a question about psychedelics. I've heard they "cure" (meme) all sorts of conditions like anxiety and depression. How true is this? Do they really reconnect you with your emotions,body,soul, and the universe? They freak me out because I've had terrible thought loops and paranoia on weed like a bad trip, I'm afraid of doing psychs and that experience being far worse. I'm also very lonely, 0 friends or gf to do it with or help watch over. I might have suicidal lonely psychedelic thoughts and inadvertantly kill myself.

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Fear of the nothingness and since i have been a NEET for such a long time i also accepted this reality of emptiness and not desiring anything too.

Depends, have you ever had any delusions or hallucinations or are you on anti-psychotics or anti-depressants?


I've had really good experiences with psychedelics. Using them alone I've been able to really reevaluate the ways I've been thinking and view things in a different way, and I always end up feeling refreshed and as if I've turned over a new leaf in life. With other people, I've been able to connect socially with them in a way I never have otherwise and I always feel like it brings me much closer to them. Is this 'curing' mental illnesses? No, but I do think that they're good for getting people out of ruts.

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Dysphoria hit me real bad last year and I attempted to twice, one by strangling myself in my sleep and the other overdosing on tylenol. It's gotten manageable now, thank goodness.

My last resort to stay alive is my fear of the afterlife. Keeps me going since I wouldn't want to go out abruptly.

The only thing keeping me going is the vague chance that there is an after life. If there is an eternal life after death I want to spend it in the nice place and not the place of eternal suffering.

Nope I'm completely undiagnosed but plan on seeing a psychiatric doctor soon. I strongly believe I have bipolar, without a doubt a serious anxiety disorder, and avoidant or borderline disorder. I've been struggling with my mental health for 10 years but parents never gave me the time of day when I complained about something to them. I didn't have the courage to confess to them the deeper problems I was really having and the backlash I'd always receive for complaining about anything whatsoever. They never believed me even though mental illness runs on both sides of the family.

You sound like me only you have a brain and got a hobby whereas I just sit here rotting in isolation.

I've read that suicides don't actually go to hell.

>always thought of what my husband would want of me
>how hed be disappointed
>how Id want him to be proud of me
>try to do those things
>try my best not to kill myself

I've been suicidal for most of my life but my antidepressants help a lot. I try to find purpose in life, even if it's as small as staying alive for my cat or for my favorite music.

I keep pushing forward the date because I don't have the supplies to do so. I used to be scared of pain but it seems like that phobia is slowly fading away.

>My suicidal thoughts started when I was 9
Please tell us more about that. I've read about cases like this in Psych studies, but personally had no suicidal urges until the death of a close friend after highschool so it's very difficult for me to put myself into the mind of a child going through those processes.
Could you truly comprehend death at that age, what did it mean for you and what drove you there?

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My 67 year old mother is dependent on me.

I used to get very sad and depressed as a kid sometimes, worse depression than just normal kid sadness. I was basically a mistake because my parents divorced after I was born. I couldn't comprehend death because I was just a kid but fantasizing was always an escapism for me and suicide was the depression aspect of it. I wanted to go away, I truly felt like nobody wanted me or cared whether I went away forever.

I'm passively suicidal. I just completely disregard my health. I also don't directly kill myself because I feel like I don't have a "real" reason to and I'm also afraid. One more reason is I'm too lazy, too lazy to live too lazy to die.

That's a hard lot, fren. I also know what escapism fantasizing is like, back in Houston it was more thrilling than masturbation to just stand somewhere with the capability to end my life and know that I might do it this time.

How did this progress as you aged? Did it change, or recede, or grow stronger? Forgive me if I'm asking questions you don't want to answer. I climbed out of the suicide hole personally, and it's helpful to know how others have done so because I'm constantly at risk of falling back in. I'm also interested because I try to help others in my life that I know or suspect of similar urges.

I remember being 8 or 9 and, like the other user said, I just wanted an escape from feeling of constant alienation and apathy towards me. But I didn't have a bad home or got bullied (that much) in school. Or something like that, I also just wondered what death was like. I'm not religious so I don't think there's an after life, just the void. I can also remember feeling depressed as early as 5 or 6. Looking back at my life with some clarity, I definitely have some kind of emotional disorder that started a very young age.

Not the original user but this one It got better and when I was 17 I was totally symptom free until around my 18th birthday. Then it came back much worse than before, and got progressively worse until I was 23. I'm 24 now and I feel like it's getting better but I wouldn't call myself healthy.

>I'm 24 now and I feel like it's getting better but I wouldn't call myself healthy.
I'm the same way, 28 now and have been improving slowly since 21 or so. I very, very rarely have suicidal urges these days but without strong and supportive parents I'm not sure I would be alive today.


Originallah subhanna watala

I'm glad you have you're parents user. I've had to work through it mostly on my own. I've tried going to friends for help but they just made it worse.

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Spite, mostly. I want to live long enough to throw flaming paper bags on dog shit on the graves of every person who made my life miserable.

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Friends usually are shit in my experience too, it's hard for your peers to understand how to help you through your depression even if they have been through it themselves. I don't personally feel comfortable talking to anyone IRL about their depression unless they're many years younger than me.

Especially in my younger years, teens and early twenties, most of my friends' responses were "wow that sux dude" or "breh u need to get laid" tier.