Poimandres

paranoia anxiety distress depression anger filling my existence
addiction
im not happy being as i am
i want things to change but don't know how to change myself
my slice of cake is really just change and escaping neetdom

I set foot upon an academic path three years ago, but I'm just not feeling it. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm securing a stable and fruitful future, or building a prison for myself.

The biggest part of me wants to do something much more simple, just bringing in enough money so that I can focus on making music and other things that delight me. Most people I consult seem to think this is a bad idea however, which makes me hesitant to do so.

oh brother what do you see in the mirror.
what do you see around.
you see, "as above, so below" every level of being is connected and make a singular thing. so taking your emotional troubles and shifting into the first plane of physical being you are walking a path.
suddenly your foot doesn't land and falls into a small hole in the path, you might get it stuck for a little while, or even hurt your ankle and waddle some meters forward.
but you won't saw the foot off or lay down with the thought of "this is it then"

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addiction to what?
self diagnosed or not? not that one is better than the other.
ah, the cake of change. delicious and interesting in taste. this is a cake we all share, you will get your slice anyway, but maybe even faster with patience.

your mental problems are promising in my eyes, if I may put it like that. with learning you can change your path quite simply if you wish.
no, no you won't.

most people have shitty lives in your view, am I wrong?
the fruitful future you will see all around you, a nice 9 to 5 and beer on the weekend.
if you think whatever these people giving you advice are doing looks good then continue and push through.
but if not, tell them the life they as well as you lead have a purpose of experience.
staying alive is not why you are here, or money, or anything good or evil.

all I have to say is for atleast one train of thought skip over what the regret of not getting a house a nice car and a stable good paying job would be and instead focus on the wall of regret you will have when you didn't even try to do what you wanted to do.
do you imagine yourself happy by being just like everyone else, just because that was easy and guaranteed.
so what if you have bad experiences, as long as you try your best it cannot go wrong.

society is not your friend! when the casket is laid down you'll be in that mothafucka all by yourself

the diagnoses? i don't entirely know what my issue is
i just have alot of problems upstairs really

so you didn't go anywhere to get this evaluated?
no problem.
is it drugs you are addicted to? I have to know what kind to help you more. you see I have been through most but through knowledge and suffering I made it to a better place.
you might want to start with this.

im addicted to weed and xanax because they keep my anger at bay otherwise all I'l feel is anger or anxiety I'm also on abilify

BROTHERS! I will return in about a half an hour, I have to go take care of my garden.
the dark winter is coming upon us and I have to keep myself fed and such.
post questions if you wish and I will soon be back to ponder them.
sorry for the inconvenience, I don't have alot of money and want to keep everything ok.

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I lack emotions because I choose so. Emotions could only lead me to misery and ruin. I have interest in the arcane arts, reason and strict reality has failed me too many times, but the cards have never lied to me. My lack of humanity is most likely the fault of my soul being displaced. I was never really meant to live a material existence and that's why I suffer.

I have returned with a vision from the plants of my small garden.
I begun teaching here because I wanted to write down what I had learned that day to keep it well in my memory.
but I have now realized that I am on path to become one of the hermetic initiates of my generation and land, I will to devote my life to the teaching of those ready to learn and carry the torch like the hundreds of generations before me.
the lips of wisdom open only to the ears of understanding.
thanks to the life in my garden I have been given this prophecy of truth and clearer sight of what might come. this is a hard thing for me to grasp and laid some pressure down on myself.
I will continue to answer you, my brothers, but realize I am in difficult time.

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>I have interest in the arcane arts
good, good.

>reason and strict reality has failed me too many times
as in something akin to scientific thinking?
how could you measure the existance of ones self by taking apart only one of the seven planes?
you are correct, you weren't mean in material existance, it is a thing that has happened and must be corrected, but is certainly not a bad thing even though you view suffering as such.
Gnostics, view it as Gods, Nous, weaker creator who by mistake set off this world which must be corrected.
in the scientific view of the physical plane this can be seen it the big bang equations.
something odd happened which spawned all of this, because following physics if everything went like it should the universe would have cancelled itself out shortly after the big bang.

So what do I represent then? A demon? A spirit of nature? Incarnation of some forgotten deity? Or maybe a something even more abstract? I've always had unexplained affinity towards numbers 7 and 74, direction of west, planet Neptune and I sometimes have dreams of esoteric nature in which I encounter certain messages or waypoints. Sometimes dreams feel more natural than waking life. I never feel out of place in my dreams, but every day I feel worse living my role on Earth. I am not a good human. I have this childish need to mess with people's heads and trick them, sometimes subtly insult or degrade them in various ways. They don't really notice it. I try to balance my karma, but I just lack some human instincts such as empathy, social awareness, body language and conscience. I never feel guilty for doing bad things, I only feel bad because of results. People are just too attached to other people and life itself. It shall all pass.

>I have this childish need to mess with people's heads and trick them, sometimes subtly insult or degrade them in various ways. They don't really notice it.
do you notice it? the only difference being you notice yourself doing this while others don't, which is path to correction.
what you are is a different matter, you are none of those exactly, but you are everything.
you are a part of X, you are a part of God, but not God itself.
you say you aren't a good human, a paradox.
do you feel guilty then of yourself? don't marvel at the facade of people who feel to differ from yourself in ways of regret and conscience, for there are snakes in the grass.

I sometimes feel regret, but not guilt. Everything I doo (good or bad) leads to something greater than this. Guilt is for the people. I answer only to myself.
I don't have this "flow" that mankind does. There's no good moral/ethics/belief code for me. I mostly try combine the Three Paths of East Asia with some elements of Christian morality, but Christianity does not feel natural to me in compariaon to Taoism or Confucianism. It's kind of contradictory... I believe in destiny, don't believe in free choice, but I don't believe in any deity. That's why I don't appeal to theists or atheists. I also find large scale political ideologies to be plain nonsense. It's amazing how people try to put themselves in boxes of thoughts thinking it will give them identity. I choose my own path, that's why I don't belong anywhere. Few days ago one of my mates told me how I'm an outsider and I've replied to him that I'm an outsider anywhere I go. Regular, adjusted people just cannot grasp such existence. I just want to belong somewhere, but I don't belong anywhere same as the parrots don't belong in cages.

> There's no good moral/ethics/belief code for me
there is, it's inherently in you

>I mostly try combine the Three Paths of East Asia with some elements of Christian morality
why put limits on it? if you want something specific wouldn't the father of all religion be the one you want? where all noteworthy religion was spawn, hermeticism. which then teaches to study everything, prisca theologia.
tell me one religion that you think doesn't have roots in it, take a guess.

I have no idea. Tell me.

I don't know either.
but for sure I know that Hermes Trismegistus is the father of for example indian and asian religions such as hinduism and buddhism.
he predicted the rise of christianity.
and basically all esoteric teachings have roots in what Hermes said for example freemasons.

Now I am not pushing a religion or trying to convert you to a certain theology, which sets this apart from everything that people created from it's foundation.
you only need to hear the teachers with open ears, or read the scriptures of older initiates, and then you will know what it's about.
you don't need ritual, worship or anything alike because the truth exists whether you want it to or not, thus why I said "If thou but settest foot on this path, thou shall see it everywhere."

and if you wish to learn,
there is no faster path than looking at yourself with the corresponding teachings.
so ask away if you wish, that's why I am here

can someone ELSE please explain how this guy could help anyone?
has anyone actually gotten anything out of this shit?

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oh I am very sorry, I forgot you son.
stop taking abilify and xanax, set a time of day (late like 7-9pm) when you can begin smoking before you sleep and stick to it, don't smoke all day.
find the root of the anger. sorry I don't remember much about you but if you are still here we can move forward if you want to hear more

I'm still here user
I'd love to hear more if you have the time

i am ugly, empty and soulless. My life is suffering. Should i keep going with the hopes that it's going to be worthwhile, or should i just perish and never come back to this world?

as you wish, I'll refresh my memory on what you were asking.

>will i ever recover from my mental issues?
will i manage? I Don't want much out of life i just want my slice of cake
oh you will recover and manage, but how soon is up to you. so, let's dive into it and get you heading toward home.
first things first, if you feel actually addicted not only that you need it, which is a feeling I'm very familiar with, this might be more difficult than I make it seem.
if it's there just because you think you need it as self-medication this is simple.
you stop doing drugs for a little bit, a couple of days or so. a week maybe if you can. obviously entirely if you can but let's not get ahead of ourselves.
once you have stopped, and only then when the mind is clear (this takes different amounts of time depending on the drug), you begin the true learning.
no xanax for ATLEAST a couple of days to not only sober up but to clear the fog. weed only past a certain time of day, can be as late or early as you can manage, don't make this too hard. just so you can do the work on yourself when clear and reflect with the herb.
abilify is whatever, I would never take anything of the sort but it probably won't affect your learning. but who knows, very well could, it's just I don't want you in withdrawals so ask you doctor.

what I mean is you need to be at a certain state of soberness to begin, even if it doesn't feel good. actually you see, the more pain you are in emotionally or even physically to some extent the better.
don't view the pain as bad or good, take it as an experience with everything else.
then when in natural state of humanness, your ears are with understanding and the lips of wisdom open. if you don't know or have a way to learn, I can start your journey, but I am not old and wise like the masters of my order and feel not ready to fully guide a real humans life, for it is fragile.

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beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
>My life is suffering
so it is for a living thing, of course you still keep going.
you hope it's going to be worthwhile what oh brother? where the hurry? do you have something better to do at this hour? is the experience of pain not better than nothing at all? for it won't continue forever, experiences are the sum of man.
pain, suffering, emptiness, darkness... when you read the words as they are, without association to evil and bad things, will light, hope, happiness and joy come to you.
but only if you read them as they are, too.

start my journey how so? user

on the path of secret gnosis.
it feels weird to think about like that, but trust me, and the others further down the road from you, like that ss, a guy in a previous thread, that it will make sense when the light fills your mind.

again, If thou but settest foot on this path, thou shall see it everywhere.

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oh or you mean how I will start it?
hahaha, with teaching. obviously you can be self-taught if you want, but I am here because many want to learn fast since they are in a very bad place.

realistically, you could do the detox for a little bit and find my thread again, or I could add you on say discord so I would be able to respond whenever

I'l drop my discord user kris
#2024