I'm moving to a new city to start do an Masters degree...

But that's the point: I don't care about getting more friends. Friends are cheap.

>Friends are cheap.
Are they now? You sure?
Also
>the consequences will be dire
The fuck? Did your mom threaten to disown you?

>Are they now? You sure?
To me yeah. Friends aren't hard to come by.
>The fuck? Did your mom threaten to disown you?
I'm pretty certain I won't be able to handle what I'm feeling much longer. I've been in this state for nearly 11 years. It's girlfriend or grave at this point

So, you don't want a girlfriend, you just want sex. Is that correct?

On second thought, level with me here: what do you believe friendship is like? What is your experience and what is your ideal?
Also what do you think of yourself in general?

No, I want emotional intimacy coupled with physical intimacy. I have little desire for sex in of itself, (beyond natural cravings obviously).

A friend is someone you just hang round with and have a chat and joke with. You fill some time with them then you leave. It's not comparable to a relationship in my mind. I don't recognize the notion that a girlfriend is just a female friend that you shag. It goes deeper than that.

>Also what do you think of yourself in general?
I can't really say. I often think very highly of myself but I can, when trying to see through the eyes of others, see how thoroughly unimpressive I am as a human being. I love myself and am massively disappointed with myself in equal measure. I can think of myself as a genius and a total moron at the same time and not be overwhelmed by the contradiction, as if my mind held two separate chambers that housed two separate beings And yet, I don't really know who I am. I don't really have hobbies or interests or tastes. I have an image I want to project and a monomaniacal desire, a desire that I had hollowed myself out in service of.

Okay, two things:
A)What you want out of a relationship, you should seek in friends (minus the sex, for the most part). The other thing you described is not "friendship", it's merely acquaintance.
B) You're being too hard on yourself and this is obviously hurting you and how much you open up to other people (you're not opening up). If you don't concede and expose your self (not just yourself) to others, you can't expect emotional intimacy out of them. Not because they won't want to, but because they won't know on what grounds to provide it.

Both these things imply a great deal of listening to others and trying to understand their point of view, whether they're talking about you or themselves. At your point, judging their words isn't even stimulating anymore, but it does pay off just to listen nevertheless, both in friends and sexual partners. It's like, you have to make them trust you with their words.

>The other thing you described is not "friendship", it's merely acquaintance.
That's not an acquaintance. An acquaintance is someone you know merely in passing. I am friends with these people but i am not emotionally intimate with them. I have no interest in being emotionally intimate with a friend. The whole notion is alien to me.

>You're being too hard on yourself and this is obviously hurting you and how much you open up to other people
I'm not sure how you came to this conclusion
>expose your self (not just yourself) to others
How do you expose your self?

Well, if the feeling of loneliness weighs you down that much right now, I'd say you do have an -interest- in emotional intimacy with friends. It will be beneficial to you, even if you happen to find it kinda not fun right now.
You set the bar for yourself too high (genius) and blame yourself too hard when you can't reach it (total moron). You need to relax both ways.

>How
I don't know, ask for relationship advice or ask a friend to honestly evaluate you as a person. The latter is especially tough if you're not used to exposing your self.

>It will be beneficial
But it's not what I want so I'll get nothing out if it. Telling some friend I'm feeling a bit down today has never solved anything nor made me feel better.

>You set the bar for yourself too high genius
If you're not amazing at something you shouldn't bother with it. I couldn't think of being anything worse than a willing and happy mediocrity