>be me
>be very young(6-7,I can't really remember,I think I was in elementary maybe)
>have a girl neighbour 2 years younger
>we play togheter a lot,since there's not much else to do
>one day get bored and randomly kiss eachother
>mfw her parents see us
>mfw my parents see us
>they completely lose it and start laughing hysterically
>they make fun of me for days
>i don't really wanna play with her anymore,i hate her,my parents and her parents
I'm not saying this ruined my life or anything but it definitely affected my capacity of getting intimate with anyone.I never had a gf,even if girls showed interest in me,I could never really make a move in fear of what others would think about us.Am I just overreacting or that shit really affected me and my self esteem when it comes to relationships?Just felt like venting and getting an opinion about this.
Be me
you will never recover
never forget
you need to live with this trauma
or kill yourself
that will show 'em
>start laughing hysterically
>make fun of me for days
psychic trauma.
>it definitely affected my capacity of getting intimate with anyone
psychic trauma not dealt with. the more years pass by, the worst it is.
you're absolutely not overreacting.
tried yet with a (good) therapist? you have to take some actions against this kind of block. I have other types of issues, but I didn't do anything for many years and now the mess is far worse.
Oh yeah also forget to mention all the
>'user you still don't have a girlfriend?'
>'haha user just grab some girl,everyone your age has/had a girlfriend,what's keeping you?'
>"how's it going with the girls user?'
Lately they have been asking it less,maybe they think I'm gay or some shit,I just keep telling them I'm focusing on my studies to become someone so they kinda drop it.
samefag here. that shit is probably a mechanism your mind built to shield you from another experience like that. you must get rid of it, it hurts you instead of protecting you.
I never really talked with anyone about it.I didn't give it too much thought,but these days I started analyzing memories and tried to see which ones really contributed to me being the way I am today.There are more for more of my issues but this seems like the one who caused my coldness,inability to relate/connect with people and inability to get intimate with anyone.It's been a couple of years so I don't know if there's much to be done about it now.
Yes,that's definitely the case,I'm afraid it's ingrained too deep in my brain already,though.And I'm always pretty secretive about anything,towards anyone,maybe that's related too.
I had the same shit.
>Be 4 years old
>Fall in love with a girl
>Was already a sperg so never talked to her
>Told my family about my love
>They mock me, humiliate me
>They even tell the girl
I was traumatized of relationship and couldn't even touch a girl for 10 years.
Then...
>Be 17
>Help mom with groceries
>My mom see a girl with her mother
>Rush at her
>Ask if she's really "Georgette" (not true name)
>Yes
>Start talking about my unrequited love with the other mother while both harpies were laughing.
>The girl was feeling awkward, almost as much as me.
>I tactically fled the place.
Now they try to ask my younger brothers if they have a love life (they're 12-13). I protect them and tell them to not say anything.
The weird thing is that the girl is absolutely fine and has been dating and fucking guys without any issue,kek.
There's plenty to be done. I waited two fucking decades to start a therapy I had to do long before. Nevertheless, I'm slowly recovering from my problems. You still are in a far better position than me.
Also, this:
>these days I started analyzing memories and tried to see which ones really contributed to me being the way I am today
You've already started your own therapy. You are yet healing. It's something my therapist told me in the first: if you thought to your issues, made yourself questions, realized something, and then decided to come here, you're yet in the middle of your path to complete recovering.
These are automatic defense mechanisms unconsciously built as a consequence to a traumatic experience. We must recognize them and get rid of them if they prevent us to fully live.
You are on the right way, much more advanced than you think. Indeed:
>that's definitely the case
you recognized it.
Go ahead user, you are going to fix it.
Funny how such a little thing can fuck you up so much for so long.And they think nothing of it,you're like a fucking pet for parents,I swear,ever since day 1,they just brag with you and make fun of you around other people.
We're all different from one another. Probably, for her mind that event was not as traumatic as it was for you; or she had some more instruments to cope with it than you; or her family then had a behaviour that 'defused the bomb'.
You'll never know, but don't care. You have to take care of yourself.
>if you thought to your issues, made yourself questions, realized something
Yes,I really gave in depth thought to a lot of my memories,and analyzed what sort of behaviour patterns might've result out of them,think I should write some of them down,maybe it would help.Ironically enough,opening up to a therapist after experience feels pretty impossible,but I definitely have to try at some moment.But most therapists around my city are females,if I can't find a male one,it would definitely be pretty difficult.
>You are on the right way, much more advanced than you think.
Thanks a lot user,I never really thought much of that whole experience but you opened my eyes and made me see there's something defnitely wrong that came out of it.Hope you can manage to fix your issues as well.How did you build up the courage to get to a therapist?
I remember guys who dated her saying she was pretty reserved and shy,and was like 'really hard to get',so maybe it affected her in some way too,but she had guys constantly trying to make her feel comfortable around them,so I'm guessing now it just comes natural.For me,whenever I started getting cold,girls would just disappear,no questions asked.
>tfw your first kiss fucked you up more than it helped
Definitely. Great. Problem.
No one educates us to deal with our emotions and with those of other people. Least of all,no one prepares people to be parents.
And a lot of damage comes from stupid behaviours parents don't ever realize a bit.
> I definitely have to try at some moment.But most therapists around my city are females,if I can't find a male one,it would definitely be pretty difficult.
Indeed, you have to feel well with the therapist, and his/her gender is relevant. Meanwhile, take some information about good female therapists, even if they aren't near. One day you'll decide if it's worth it.
>Thanks a lot user
You're welcome. Glad to be of a little help.
>How did you build up the courage to get to a therapist?
My life was crumbling down. Marriage, work, money. Had to do something. Absolutely. Don't wait for this.
>Least of all,no one prepares people to be parents
So much this.I don't know how an implementation would work,but parents definitely need some kind of 'classes' from a therapist,who actually knows his shit,to teach them even some basic stuff about childhood traumas,and similar stuff.I always felt like my parents weren't really prepared to have me(I'm a bastard,kek),but they somehow managed to raise me,make me a decent person,and take care of me,and I will forever be grateful for that,and I can't wait to actually finish my studies,get a nice job and spoil them a little,I feel like I owe them,even if they did what they did.Yeah it's pretty weird.
>And they think nothing of it,you're like a fucking pet for parents
I wouldn't say that.
Even if my mom made fun of me, she wanted me to be tough.
Like she would slap me when i cry.
In the end, i almost became emotionless, a bit more that she wanted.
Even now, at 24, i'm still slowly learning how to understand and not repress my feelings, step by step.
That's how I see most parents around me.I feel like they have no sense of responsibility at all,they just think of having a kid like 'a fun thing to do' or something.It's good that she toughened you up,somehow my mom did that too,I repress most of my feelings as well,around anyone.I don't think she ever slapped me though,just by words/arguments.
>female
Sorry, I wanted to write "male".
>Yeah it's pretty weird.
Not at all. You're a sane person, you're balanced. Recognizing one's parents errors without blaming them, it's a very advanced behaviour, emotionally speaking.
One last advice, if I may: write down that account, user, and sometimes re-read what you wrote. It'll be a full therapy in itself.
>.I don't think she ever slapped me though,just by words/arguments.
I got the third world style education.
But it was good, she also made me learn discipline and virtue.
Without that harsh education, i would probably be a drug dealing, gang shooting nigger.
When now, i'm just a scientific turbo autist.
>write down that account, user
You mean the owing my parents and wanting to spoil them?Or this whole thing and other experiences that might've molded me into what I am?
>Or this whole thing and other experiences that might've molded me into what I am?
This. Start to write... why you're writing. Then a full account of that experience. And then, all your thoughts and action that are relevant for you to write.
It'll be worth it.